Just need a place to vent

[wakingupslowly]

Not really sure where to start here but just need a place to rant and put my thoughts into words.

I've been with H for 14 years and married for 8 of them. We have 2 DCs (6&4). I've never had a high sex drive and after DS was born it went even lower. I have always done my best to keep H happy and done some things I wasn't necessarily happy with. However slowly we've grown apart and earlier this year we reached a stage where he was out 6 nights a week with his hobbies/business and on the 7th night I was out. I was accused of being loveless, fat, unfit, boring etc. He never pulled his weight around the house of with the kids and I was thinking about ending everything but I am a worrier and I worried he'd have nothing to go to. I then found out he was texting another woman a lot (over 700 texts in a month) and when I confronted him he denied it all.

It all came to a head a couple of weeks ago when he found I had copies of his phone bills (proof of the texting) and he declared he was leaving....he however didn't leave and after a day of tears on his behalf we decided to make a go of it. He became loving, helpful, a caring dad overnight but also drove me mad as he was there a lot more when I'd been used to effictively being a single mum. A few nights later he went through my phone and found a text to my friend with me saying he'd bought me a gift to make everything right but I didn't think that would gloss over all the cracks. He decided he was leaving again.....next day all back to loving and kissing. It's been good for a could of weeks but yesterday he stopped speaking to me as he thought I had gone through his phone again (I haven't), then blamed it on him being in pain and just grumpy. Today he's not speaking again. I firmly believe now that it is some form of emotional abuse.

I have no one in rl to talk to as he's alienated most of my friends, won't leave me alone long enough to talk to any of the friends I do have and my parents dislike him so won't listen to me complaining for fear of saying something they may regret.

I also worry about the kids, when he was distant they really weren't interested in him, but now he is seemingly being superdad. I worried the arguing was doing them harm, now I worry the changes of mood are doing harm. They have seen me cry more times than they should.

Sorry I've gone on and it may not all make sense, so thank you if you've stuck to the end.

He sounds horrible and your relationship sounds miserable. Have you considered splitting up and starting afresh? His behaviours are wrong and damaging- to you and your children.

I'd also suggest resurrecting your friendships, rl support could be so helpful

So its all about him then. He decides when its a loving day or a grumpy day. The whole family have to wait & see how he feels before knowing how to act.

Yep this is wrong. You don't have to live like this

Its taken me so long to see this. I finally realised it was EA a few weeks ago, part of the reason I decided to end it. Then this happened and I thought it was all going to be good.

Trying to look at it realistically he's realised what he could lose and is now coming at the EA from a new angle.

I think I've been very niave. I do worry from a financial point of view, I am the main wage earner but he's bled my/our savings dry and there is debt. I also worry what will happen on the other side, as I no longer think I'm strong enough for the battles that could lie ahead

You should have left this cretin a long time ago, what you have now is a relationship full of negative connotations because firstly, there's no respect whatsoever from him towards you.

You can find a way out of this if it's what you really want, personally I couldn't be with a man who had just little regard and disdain for me, I value myself a bit higher than that, you need to start looking at ways of a life without him, first call should be to Women's Aid for advice.

Do you actually want to be out of the relationship? If so - it is always possible. It might not be easy, especially with debt (how much, and is it joint debt?), but that's no reason to stay in a relationship that is damaging you and damaging your dcs.

If you think there's anything worth salvaging then would he agree to relationship counselling? Personally I'd want out - EA, financial irresponsibility, texting another woman, sexually incompatible, grown apart....... doesn't sound worth hanging around for.

You might want some legal advice to see where you would stand financially. But it sounds as though you need to do something, and soon.

Thank you...
Jan45 I think I needed to hear that.

joblot I am working on resurrecting the rl friendships, but we've moved away a bit and I struggle to see them with kids in tow.

RatherBeRiding I think realistically I do want to be out of the relationship. I'm just so scared/worried. Some debt (mortgage and 1 loan) is joint, the rest is in my name as I kept bailing him out and trying to make stuff right.

I never saw my life ending up like this. I feel like it's life on eggshells. I'm always thinking if it happens again......

For my sake and the sake of the kids I need to make it happen.

This infatuated texting with another woman, the mood swings and the claustrophobia inducing smothering super-dadness: no wonder you feel dizzy.

Being honest here I'd be livid if my OH had been texting A N Other like crazy and he wouldn't be the one deciding if he left or stayed.

Is it possible his fluctuating moods are affected by the woman he was texting, blowing hot then cold? When he threatens to go, does he say where to? Next time he blusters call his bluff. Say you both need space.

I know marriages suffer under the weight of money troubles and/or sexual incompatibility. Sometimes the change from pre-children to full on parenting can prove a major challenge. Can you talk to him? Dig deep, be honest. If asked could you each write 5 things you (still) like about each other and appreciate?

Do as suggested, rebuild your friendships. Go out. What are your interests outside the home, if you are a SAHM were you considering going back to work? If this relationship is imploding you need to feel very sure of yourself and not cling to the wreckage.

14 years is a long time.
Perhaps your in this place because there has been no effort to make the marriage a priority - instead its simply been accepted as 6 days without and 1 day with.
I suspect his tantrum about "the cracks" is because he wants a quick fix - where none is available. Going through your phone is just looking for an excuse to pick at you.
Sit down and discuss where you are with him.
You need to decide can you give it another go.
Consider a contract - write down what you both want ( the hugs, the discussion, the time together ) - give it 12 months.
Review the contract monthly and discuss are you both adhering to it.
Hope this helps.

Sorry just saw you are the main earner. I am sure you would do well to get legal advice and that might give you strength to take the initiative.

His fluctating moods aren't affected by the woman texting, he has said it was just that she showed some attention and his head was turned. I stopped paying him attention as I had got fed up feeling like I was mum to 3 instead of just the 2 I gave birth to.

I do have a job but I work from home full time and there is no office for me to start working from for the break. I am still expected to run the house and have dinner on the table even though we are both home workers (that could also be a contributing factor).

I have no real interests outside the home as I haven't had the time, I hate asking for a babysitter when OH should be minding the kids. My main hobbies are arts, crafts and baking so not the most exciting in some people eyes. I do like cycling but not in winter

Not sure he'd go for a contract idea, I think it's a great idea but getting him to do anythng like that is like asking for a fight. Think I might discuss and then make my own notes