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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh won't complain...or let me

15 replies

vfedup · 16/07/2006 20:16

am i being unreasonanle about this? dh and i went out for dinner last night. The wine wasn't chilled properly. he doesn't like complaining so i said i would ask for the wine to be changed. he told me not to complain, so stupidly i didn't as i thought he'd be annoyed. tried to discuss it today and he just got defensive. makes me feel horrible that he'd rather i put up with bad wine than put up with ME politely complaining

OP posts:
desperate2bmum · 16/07/2006 20:21

vfedup....in a restaurant if you are not happy..DONT PAY!!
numerous times me and dp have walked out of restaurants without paying one penny purely because the food was crap or the service was crap or also the wine has not been chilled.
you are completely within your rights to complain..and its little things like that that spoil a night out..wine is supposed to compliment your dinner not spoil it.

Original poster
vfedup · 16/07/2006 20:28

exactly!!Just tried talking about it again and he's apologised but really bothers me that he'd rather we put up with things that aren't right , even when I'VE said i will complain but then he makes it clear he'll be annoyed if i do. Wasn't even a cheap meal - nearly £100!

OP posts:
desperate2bmum · 16/07/2006 20:30

i would have just complained anyway..£100 on a meal sounds like a pretty posh place to eat so you would expect the standards to be even higher than your local beefeater.

Original poster
vfedup · 16/07/2006 20:35

wish i had now. it's really bothering me. He got really defensive about it earlier and was shouting that it's just a bottle of wine so why keep going on about it. If it was a one off, wouldn't be so bad but he vever wants to confront anyone....apart from me. Really bothers me that he doesn't mind upsetting me but doesn't want to upset a waiter who means nothing to him.

OP posts:
SSSandy · 16/07/2006 20:38

dh is the same. I just go along with it to keep the peace but sometimes we put up with all kinds of crap and I find it really annoying. If I go ahead and complain, he hates it, squirms in his chair and looks really uncomfortable.

He's a lawyer and has to fight things through with very difficult people every day at work - and he is a brilliant lawyer. He CAN do it but outside of work, he just won't. I find it difficult to understand but you can't change people, can you?

Original poster
vfedup · 16/07/2006 20:40

ssandy, my situation is the smae. dh has a good job and often has to speak infront of alot of peple to give presentations, but out of work you would never imagine he could do this

OP posts:
Original poster
vfedup · 16/07/2006 20:41

ssandy, my situation is the smae. dh has a good job and often has to speak infront of alot of peple to give presentations, but out of work you would never imagine he could do this

OP posts:
desperate2bmum · 16/07/2006 20:42

i can totally understand what you are going through.
the waiter/waitress doesnt have to be confronted in a nasty way you just need to explain that things arnt up to standard and if the response they give you isnt justified and you are not happy with it...ask for the manager and have a polite word and say that it has ruined your evening (depending on the fault)
this is what we do although on the odd occassion i have been known to go out first and start the car and dp follows
this sounds bad but we eat out a fair bit at weekends and i see it if you are not happy..dont pay. you have to take into account sometimes the food may not be up to scratch and you just have to stomach it and put it down to experience and never go there again...but sometimes YES you do have to say somthing and on a meal that was £100 spoilt by warm wine i would complain definately but i know my dp wpuld be the first one to say somthing!

desperate2bmum · 16/07/2006 20:42

i can totally understand what you are going through.
the waiter/waitress doesnt have to be confronted in a nasty way you just need to explain that things arnt up to standard and if the response they give you isnt justified and you are not happy with it...ask for the manager and have a polite word and say that it has ruined your evening (depending on the fault)
this is what we do although on the odd occassion i have been known to go out first and start the car and dp follows
this sounds bad but we eat out a fair bit at weekends and i see it if you are not happy..dont pay. you have to take into account sometimes the food may not be up to scratch and you just have to stomach it and put it down to experience and never go there again...but sometimes YES you do have to say somthing and on a meal that was £100 spoilt by warm wine i would complain definately but i know my dp wpuld be the first one to say somthing!

Original poster
vfedup · 16/07/2006 21:48

he's apologised but i know something similar will happen again! no point in arguing about it anymore - things could be alot worse. and he's downstairs doing the ironing at the mo...so not all bad!!

OP posts:
SSSandy · 16/07/2006 22:49

He's doing the ironing! Well done

hunkermunker · 16/07/2006 22:58

vfedup, in any relationship there's a complainer and an oh don't make a fuss-er.

The problems occur when the complainer tries to make the ODMAF complain or the ODMAF tries to stop the complainer complaining.

You are genetically not able to change your response to a given situation, so it's not fair to try to make the other change to your way of thinking. Nor is it fair for the ODMAF to stop the complainer complaining, I'm afraid.

Guess which one I am

Original poster
vfedup · 17/07/2006 10:46

good point hunkermunker. hopefully he won't try to stop me next time i need to complain

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 17/07/2006 11:03

Tell him it's your genetic right

shimmy21 · 17/07/2006 11:09

Next time, don't ask him whether or not you should complain - just politely ask the waiter to change the wine without deferring to dh for his say so.

he will find that polite complaints aren't really so embarrassing and you will not go home with a grudge about drinking warm wine!

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