Biggest (illicit) crush EVER. Help!

[citizenjane]

I have the worst crush on my very good friend and colleague. I see him every day. We go out in the same groups. I can hear his voice from my office. We live in the same area. We work on the same team. There is no escape!
That would all be OK if I wasn't married with 2 lovely kids. I adore my husband, we get on so well and have been pretty happy for 10 years.
To be honest, I have always had crushes on people. After a couple of years in a happy relationship, I start fantasizing about other men, especially those I see every day. It's usually manageable, but not this time.
Last year, my husband cheated on me. I forgave him pretty quickly because it was a one-off, he was distraught and told me straight away. I can understand how it happened.
But ever since, my crush is out of control. It's like I can't stop because I don't have that "faithfulness" barrier anymore. I fell like I'm entitled to cheat. And I do like this man a lot.
I think he is starting to suspect something too. The whole thing is so embarrassing and so painful. I really wish I could stop falling in love with him.
He's single, too, making it so much harder.
What can I do to nip that crush in the bud??

The age old saying of 2 wrongs don't make a right is probably applicable here. Yes your husband had an affair and that must have been bloody awful, however, you supposedly forgave him. You supposedly put your marriage back on an even and faithful keel. However, I wonder if you did forgive him if you are harbouring thoughts of getting your own back. I'm not judging you for that but think maybe you should examine your feelings for wanting to do it more closely

See it for what it actually is - a representation of a problem in your actual marriage.

It isnt about him at all. It is what he represents. Something new and exciting, a need be be and feel desired, revenge, he fills some kind of need your husband isnt.

Go back and try to address these issues at home. If you can your feelings for this man will diminish. If you cant you have more pressing issues to deal with......

I think the opposite might be true.

Maybe you forgave your husband so readily (and even with some relief?) because like you say, you've always had crushes even when happy in a relationship. So you (more than most people) thought his infidelity wasn't a reflection of his feelings for you or your relationship, because that's how you are too?

If this was the first time you'd had a crush, then I'd be making more of the revenge factor, but as it's not the only relevance I can see is that your husband's past actions have taken away a barrier that used to be there.

If the revenge factor wasn't present though, I'd be saying that crushes don't have to be a symptom of a need not met by your husband. A need not met in you as a person perhaps, because some people are disproportionately defined by drama, or sexual ego boosts- and that's not a need that one person can fill long-term.

Did you talk about your crushes when you were discussing his infidelity? Because I'd have thought the surefire way of killing this crush stone dead is to talk to your husband about it.

Levenheath, I can't tell you how true that all sounds. My husband and I are very similar. I really understood what he did because I knew it could have been me, and it was a relief to know it wasn't me.
Talking to my husband... it would definitely kill the crush, but it is very delicate, as he knows the guy well and sees him often. It's all very tangled.
Thanks everyone for your advice. I do think the revenge factor is minimal here.
I also suspect it is a long-term problem. This crush will be replaced with another. I do love the drama, I love being in love, I love going to work with that sense of excitement. As I said though, this one is getting unmanageable. I don't want to put my family in danger.
Therapy might be the way forward!

Therapy, yes! On the phone now and sort that out. I wonder if your DH has had therapy too? At any rate you're being sensible and asking for advice here, so good luck to you. Nip it in the bud and work out what's really going on, primarily in you. All marriages are imperfect, which is not to say they can't improve.

Very wise comment from Leavenheath imo.

All the best :)

Leavenheath is bob on.

ANd you seem to know pretty much that this is not about revenge it's about what was keeping you in check and keeping the crushes in your head rather than in your bed is now gone. Doing the counselling/therapy is a very very good idea. I very much sympathise and understand - was in exactly this position with my exh (although there were other problems between us). I quickly forgave him for a one-night thing, for exactly the same reasons that you did - it could have been me... but the next time I got a crush, I acted on it... It was a bit of a slippery slope tbh and we could have done with examining it properly at the time instead of in retrospect now that we're not together, but hindsight is a great thing and you're in a better position by addressing it now.

But I would also warn you of just one thing: don't always dismiss very strong feelings as just crushes.

Sometimes they are temporary infatuations but you are clearly looking for something, and one day you might find something. The last crush I had while I was married was unmanageable... It kept me awake, I ached for this man when he wasn't around me, and the wonderful warmth that grew between us was something I had never experienced in my life. But it turned out it wasn't a crush - it was the real deal. The light switched on after a decade of thinking I was in love and slowly realising I wasn't... I was falling hard in love with this man and him with me, and this was without anything 'physical' happening at all, or any admission from either of us about our feelings. We are now together and it really is the real deal. I'm not saying this is the same for you, but tread carefully and don't rule it out...

ufo, thank you for your story. I really get it. My husband was such a crush too, and I ended up with the crush rather than the steady, rational boyfriend. The truth is, I know it wouldn't work with my current crush, which makes it even more irrational. My husband is the best possible man for me, we really get each other. The crushes are a problem I have, not a problem WE have.
I'm glad you found the one :)