**trigger** JK would love me

[MuffCakes]

So I have a prick of an ex, he won't leave me alone (till now hollow laugh) we have a dd whos almost 8 together and I have another ds who's not his.

We have an extremely volatile relationship to put it quickly and mildly.

And today I have just found out I'm pregnant. He told me if I keep it I will be on my own with it, he will never marry me (I didn't bloody ask him to) he prefers being on his own then putting up with me. He dregged up a load of old arguments and jut shouted and shouted and said why would I want a baby with him when we just don't get on.

logically I know the best course of action would be a termination, I have a job whcih wouldn't suit me being pregnant, I am starting an OU access course in feb, my dc are old enough that we can stay out late, they are very independent make their own lunch boxes, run their own baths, sort out dirty and clean washing, they wash up and sweep and polish. We can go on holidays and I really enjoy their company. I really like my life.

But I don't want to be logical, I have had an abortion before a few years ago and I still feel guilty about it now even though I 100% did the right thing. This timeI want to keep it and I don't think I can go through with a second termination.

Ifeel so confused, do I do what I want, even though it's quite selfish to bring a baby into this situation or do I do the sensible thing.

Sounds like you're asking for reassurance that having the baby is ok? Of course it is and it's not selfish as you sound like a considerate rainy woman weighing up options sensibly.
Whatever decision you make it will be in your unborn child's best interests it seems - or you wouldn't be asking at all.

Sorry not rainy, kind! iPhone and tonight's swollen sausage fingers are not friends!

Gin I think I am, I can think of loads of very good reasons why it's not a good idea but deep down I want to keep it and I think I will always regret not listening to myself. But being a single parent to 3 is going to be such hard work, plus work and childcare costs, my life really feels on track my social life is great,and it will all change.I can think of lists and lists of negatives but no positives other then I want it. No more wine either.

Talking of wine I have drunk loads this last month, there has been lots of nights out.

Sorry if I'm being daft but is this baby with your ex? Have you already split?

Of course you should keep it if that's what you want to do

Yes with the ex, we split up all the time, currently not together but the way we are that may or may not be permanent. Most months we have a row and a few days off.

Gosh that sounds tiring. It sounds like if you decide to carry on with the pregnancy you may need to do it on your own. How would you feel about that?

I completely understand where you're at. It's a hard choice to make. The way I see it is you can put your social life in the shelf for ohhh let's be realistic here at least 9-10 years maybe less and have another screaming, sorry I mean lovely child to wheel you around when you are old and decrepit and still have the benefit of knowing you can pick up where you left off with the partying.
Of course thinking very long term here. Kids are great, the keep you young and on your toes.

Downside is obvious, it's thankless, tiring, emotionally draining, wrinkle inducing, relationship testing and that's just for starters!

At the end of the day you know in your hearts heart why is the right decision here and emotions don't need to be logical.

When it comes to decisions like this we do the bet we can with the knowledge we have at the time. You can't be faulted for doing what you think is the best thing under current circumstances. You're pregnant, we are lucky we have choices and you can't be blamed for having to make one...if that makes sense!

I was assuming he wasn't going to be much help?

No he won't be any help, he will come around to the idea and if I keep it will be quite hands on at the baby stage, but only if it doesn't effect him or he's not busy.

Long term I think it will be nice, another child around the table, another one to play with.

But chatting to my DM she says 3's the killer, I will be so stretched especially being a single parent again, and last time if we had a bad night I didn't have a school run to do in the morning and dinner to sort out in the evening. Plus is it fair on my other dc? Will I be able to keep up their activities and birthday parties and do as much as I do with a baby in tow.

I am also horribly thinking I will never get a decent man with 3 kids and will always be a single mum how awful of me to think that.

It's will be absolutely shit...for a while but you know this. Let's not beat around the bush here.

I'm was just thinking long term on your behalf.

On the flip side of course, if you choose another route, you will have a head start of many years of great opportunities a small baby with older siblings could potentially limit.

Sometimes it's not so easy to roll with it but this is when natural instinct is rather useful I've found.

If I keep it I could work it out,

Work until mat leave, finish access course then we could live off my student loan and tax credits for 4 years. Then I could study in the day while the dc are at school. Babies aren't that expensive really apart from pushchair car seat and cot.

I wouldn't feel so stretched or stressed or tired as I would be able to tidy up, batch cook, have a nap while dc are at school.

Degree will take 4 years full time study so baby will be starting school and I would be starting work in something I'd love to do.

Everyone's going to think I'm mad to do this. I do feel slightly bad that holidays me and friend have planned for next year won't happen now. And a hen weekend.

But it's not like holidays and stuff can't happen later again.

The only major thing is do I want to do it all over again for a third time. I won't have half as much support as my family's changed over the years, my nan and grandad who used to babysit to give me a break a lot can't do it no more, my Grandads dead and my nans to old now. My mum isn't single anymore and where she used to have loads of free time doesn't now.

But I can do it.

Thanks for listening to my rambles and the advice

I think it sounds a mess and I wonder how your children feel about your 'volatile' (abusive?) on off relationship with him.
I think if you choose to keep the baby you need to put some very clear boundaries I place about your relationship with him. Being volatile and on/off with three kids including a new baby is going to put you under immense emotional pressure and you and all your kids are likely to suffer.

You can do it, you sound very self aware actually. It wont be 'absolutely shit' necessarily either. Im a lone parent to 3 boys, 5, 4 & 1. There are hard days but the third is amazing.

Keep the baby, lose the ex!!!

There you go you've given yourself your answer
What I meant was by 'absolutely shit' was in the first few months she will be knackered and dealing with kids on her own. It's not fun in the short term.
Good luck OP and ramble away!

What if you can't get a job in your chosen field?

What if tax credits levels etc change in the next four years?

Who will look after the baby while you're studying?

Three dc is hard work. Obviously it helps that your other dc are older and more self sufficient but, but...

I don't know, I think I agree with Erikur^^. Your ex sounds like a waste of space and your young dc is likely to grow up not knowing whether she/ he's coming or going with this father who blows hot and cold - pitches up, has a barney with you then buggers off again.

Had you been feeling broody before this happened or had it not crossed your mind?

You say "will you get a man when you have 3"?
That's not the question to ask - it's "will you get a man when you keep dragging things out with your current partner in a relationship that sounds awful".

In your situation (and of course I don't have the emotions) I would terminate.

Money would be a huge factor for me, and as I said previously, I know I can take emotion out so it's easy for me to say.

But you are planning on tax credits and student loan to see you through 4 years? Ways cuts are going, I wouldn't bank on the tax credits.

I think you need to seriously consider what environment you would be bringing another human being into and whether that is fair.

You are neither financially or emotionally secure. You would be tied to this dysfunctional relationship/man for years if you go ahead.

Is that your motivation?

I'm tied to this man unfortunately anyway we already have one dc together. Boundaries need to be put and kept in place whatever outcome.

I know it's not the best circumstances to bring a child into. Emotionally or financially but we will manage somehow. The course I'm doing is a open uni course so I will be doing it at home and won't need child care. If I can't get a job in the field I want an office job will do till I do manage.

Yes but you'll find it so hard to study with a baby/toddler/pre-schooler to look after at the same time!

Anyway I'll butt out because you've obviously made your mind up. I wish you the very best of luck for the futire.

Future obviously!

I think it sounds like an appalling relationship, both for your two children to witness, and to bring another child in to.

You're currently not together but that "may or may not be permanent".

So even this latest argument and the things he said isn't enough for you to draw a line in the sand?

I don't think having another baby is selfish. Financially and practically you'll muddle through.

But keeping this on again off again volatile relationship going is selfish. Your kids mustn't know if they're coming or going and you are presenting this as "normal". It's emotionally damaging to you and them.

Love yourself and your kids more than you love this guy, accept that no matter how much you love him you don't work as a couple and do the right thing by them.