Think I'm going to go non contact with my parents...

[mrshubson]

Sorry if this is long. I have namechanged.

I'll start by saying that my father is a very angry, controlling, moody man. My childhood was spent often in a state of fear because of his moods. My mum trod on eggshells but has always gone along with what he says, she wouldn't dare not do as he says (but she has her own toxic personality too). My younger sister was the favourite, I wasn't, and I spent a miserable childhood and teenager-hood, getting regularly smacked, told off for everything and with my dad sulking for days over some small or imagined misendeavour. I never really got a chance to develop my own personality.

At 21 I left home and got married to my first husband, who was very abusive towards me. My parents witnessed him being abusive but effectively condoned his behaviour. They wouldn't let me go back and live at home even though he was behaving terribly in front of DD1, and tried to blame me, or tried to stay neutral. Once he was awful to me in front of them and I answered him back and it ended up with my parents shouting at me, so all 3 of them all ganged up on me!!

Ended my marriage and was on my own with DD1, then met my now-DH and we have 2 children of our own who are aged 7 and 5. DD1 is now 14. Since DD1 was born, my parents have basically ignored me, and undermined me with her constantly. If I ever told her off when she was little or even played with her they'd start huffing and shouting at me. They did things with her behind my back, such as started her on solids without my knowledge. The undermining has gone on for years and years. Yet on the other hand they are also very short tempered and have no patience with the kids. They want to just see the kids to suit them and to 'show off' their grandchildren. My dad sometimes really loses his rag with them, like he did with me, over something very very minor or imagined.

Other things my mum has done in recent years:

Still favours my sister. Does all sorts of things for my sister such as kitting her kids out with clothes, looking after her kids, looking after my sister if she's ill. Won't do any of that for me, even when I had a severe chest infection. My mum gets huffy if I'm ever ill.

DD1 has gone to stay with her dad as she is having a rebellious phase and I've found out that my mum engineered it with DD, and advised her to do it. My mum makes it clear she thinks I'm a bad mum (I'm not at all), and she always has a disapproving air about her. DD1 isn't really speaking to me but is in constant contact with my mum but my mum says she's 'not getting involved' and won't tell me anything DD says, and doesn't care that it's upset me the way DD is treating DH and I.

Is very pedantic and petulant with me. She'll say the sky is blue, I'll agree with her, then she's snap and say it's pink! She wants me to agree with her all the time, has no interest in my life at all, and is so uptight and won't have a joke at all,ever. She starts randomly shouting at me for no reason, if I don't agree with her over anything.

They have relied upon me not ever voicing my opinion. I dared to do so in the summer and now my dad isn't talking to me (no loss there!) but my mum keeps coming round and carrying on with her old ways, undermining me, not listening to me, and not giving a toss about me at all. She never approves of anything I do, ever, and never compliments me.

I feel like telling her not to come round anymore. I know she will never change. I think she, along with my ex husband (who is an arse) have ruined DD's relationship with DH and I, and I don't want her to do that with my younger children.

You're well within your rights to tell her not to come around, she sounds like a bully.

As long as you don't need her in your life there's no reason you have to see her.

Does she know how she treats you or is she blind to it?

when I've tried to tackle her she starts doing a horrible squealy loud cry and insists she's done nothing wrong

Do you feel like you need to tackle her - if you know that she is going to go all squealy, why not write to her? At least then you won't have to put up with the noise whilst she is tantrumming?

I think it would be a good idea to go NC btw - they sound vile.

Whether or not you cut her out completely (which I would, in your shoes), it sounds as though it would be a good idea to cut her out of your relationship with your DD1 if you can. So only speak to your DD directly, never speak to her about your mother or your mother about her, and ditto with your ex.

I'm pointing out the obvious but I guess all these years she has put up with your father being abusive and she has ended up doing it to you to give her some kind of control back? Doesn't make it right though.

Just tell her flat out you don't want to see her anymore and see what she has to say. If she cries explain everything as you have done here and see what she has to say for herself.

I would advocate no contact as of now with your parents.

They have done far too much damage and more than one generation has been affected. You may be able to save your relationship with your DD even now but she must not be influenced in any way further by either of your parents. Your mother is enjoying the drama and she has manipulated your DD to their advantage.

A good rule of thumb here is that if they are too toxic/difficult for you to deal with they are certainly too toxic/difficult for your vulnerable and defenceless children. A pity you were never advised that years ago.

I've always thought until recent years that it was me, as they've always told me I'm a horrible, awkward person.

I kept thinking that if I tried just that little bit harder that everything would be ok....

On the basis of what you say I'm afraid they needed to be cut out when your DD was 4. They've done a good job of poisoning her, from what you say. Its no good for her, is it.

As Angela and Attila say, cut her out now. She's got an abusive father and grandparents; she really does not need any more of it.

Also, you probably need a very skilled therapist.

I would go NC now before any further damage is done. I wouldn't announce it though as it will cause another ruck. I would just make the decision and do it. No answering phones, no answering the door etc. until it is obvious to all involved. It will settle down after that. I am NC with my toxic sister and OMG when I made that decision it was like a weight lifted from my life. I only see her at family do's now and avoid her like the plague. It's a lovely world when you take the bit of control you have the right to. Your parents sound awful and you sound lovely. You must be a throwback!