Is this an OK thing for your mother to say? Am I overreacting?

[JemimaPuddle]

I have posted this on Stately Homes thread but reading back my situation is a little more trivial I think.

Anyway:

My mother is emotionally inept to say the least.
Providing I stick to the weather or the price of biscuits we get on fine but she is utterly miserable and has been my whole life.
My dad died a few years ago - he was wonderful. He & my mother were no longer together when he died.
We were having a heated discussion a few weeks ago as she was dismissing my siblings depression out of hand and I was trying to talk to her about it. During this conversation she said 'I know you wish I was dead not your dad' I replied asking if she'd loved her patents differently, she said no so I asked why she'd think I would love him more.
She then went on about how much she did for me as a child (driving me to an activity) and that actually because of this I should love her more.
It's not normal to think that about your children is it? Or even to tell them that's what you think?
Am I overreacting?

Not sure what I want out of this thread but feels better to get it down.

No that's not normal at all. I'm sorry, it sounds really difficult. We all say daft things now and then in our lives, but it sounds as though this is your Mum's usual level, would that be right? If so, how do you feel about it? Are you able to let her be who she is without internalising it all, or do you fret and try to rescue? I hope it's the former.

Her comment is needy and manipulative.

You don't need to engage with those kind of comments: they're bait, and you're not going to bring her round anyway. Just change topics or carry on with the main topic of conversation.

Sounds like Stately Homes is a good place for you. Have you had a read of the links in the first post to see if they resonate?

Thanks Devon it is her usual level yes. I try to ignore it but she's very needy, usually crying, always I'll - at the docs once a week.
It makes even normal chat difficult. She cried when we took her to the zoo with us (we take her on most family outings). When I asked why she said it was because she thought we wanted to go without her.
Hot I did post on stately homes just before starting this thread but when I read back over some earlier posts I felt my situation was a little to trivial for there

It sounds like your mum needs to get more of a life for herself and then she will be happier. She sounds reliant on you for her happiness and social life. It does not sound healthy for you or her or your husband. Its all way to intense that she comes on most family outings. You need time as a family without her so you can just be yourselves and not worry about what she is thinking or saying or trying to please her.

I agree with not engaging with her comments or telling her to 'man up' and ignoring the tears after. When my Dad died, and after a suitable few years of letting her grieve, my mother started the whole 'poor me', 'what about me' thing big time.We didn't have a good relationship before he died but she transferred all her neediness on to me. She tried to guilt me constantly despite me doing everything I could for her. She told us she'd rather one of us (her daughters died) instead of him. When she started the whole woe is me bit I used to either ignore her or tell her to shut up. She's much better now she knows she's not going to get anywhere. I don't mean in regards to proper worries but attention seeking.
You're better to be blunt.

I've been blunt with her for a while (mostly) but then that gets thrown back at me as we'll - hence telling me today what a mess she's made of raising me as I wouldn't accept the crying & refusing to talk when I told her it wasn't on. I tried to talk about her not supporting my sibling at the moment.

My dad was the devil incarnate until he died now hes the love of her life.

Stop seeing so much of her.

I think you're right Milly, she lives less than a minute away so quite difficult.

If you stop seeing so much of her and being too busy to see her then she will eventually be more respectful . She will probably be extra needy at first but that is when you need to be strongest. If she feels that you are not wanting her around so much she will be more careful what she says.

Does she have a life of her own, friends etc?

No, no friends, no hobbies. She works almost full time but nothing else.
She did have friends but rarely bothers with them.

Or maybe they don't bother with her lol!!!
I think you have to be cruel to be kind here and separate yourselves a bit more. I would avoid all talk about yourself and your siblings with her. Let her ask you if she wants to know anything otherwise she will only upset you.