4 year old DD not 100% happy with new boyfriend/partner. Any advice much appreciated.

[WineAndSunMakesMeHappy]

Hi, am looking for a little insight really.

I've had a new boyfriend for 10 months now. Introduced him to DD about 5 months ago, all very informal. I never said he was my boyfriend, just introduced him as "so and so".
All went really well, mainly he would just come over for a couple of hours and have dinner, and he has come to some family events with us with DD there. DD is with her dad all weekend, every weekend, so these visits were for DDs benefit.....for her to slowly and gradually become comfortable around him.

About a month ago me and BF had a discussion about him seeing DD a bit more regularly (once a week), with a view of moving forward, and possibly staying over with her there in the new year.
But, since then DDs behaviour towards him has deteriorated, she is slightly aggressive (she pretends she is playing, but I can tell there is an "edge" to it) and has really lost her sweet, chatty disposition when he is around. It's not a massive change, but we both know its there.

Any words of wisdom or advice?
We both want to do this right, and DDs interests come first.
Just feel so disappointed that its taken a bit of a wrong turn somewhere....?

I would stick to weekends only for the minute personally. You haven't been with him long.. plenty of time for all of that.

Thank you.

Just to clarify...do you mean just me seeing him at weekends? As DD is at her dads all weekend, every weekend. Which would mean DD and BF would never spend any time together?
I don't know what to do for the best!

If you are on good terms with your ex then maybe have a word with him. She may feel that she is being disloyal to her dad or that boyfriend is taking mum away from her. If you ex can support you with this is would help no end. I appreciate that this is not an option for the majority of people though due to issues with ex.

After only 10 months, I'd stick to weekends only for now.

Yes I agree with gamer. Just cut the contact back a bit - it might be that she can sense that you have some investment in how she interacts with him and is feeling that as a bit of pressure. Either that, or she's sensing that he's more than a friend to you and she's feeling a bit protective or perhaps territorial about her relationship with you.

I know it seems like a long time but you REALLY have to slow things down when you're dating with children, and the older the child - probably up to about 10 - the more slowly you'll need to go. For older children/teens then it's different again but at her age if he eventually moves in with you he will be taking on the role of stepfather so it's important to move slowly IMO.

I don't think you necessarily have to wave bye-bye to the prospect of him staying over but I would probably forget the once a week arrangement for now and keep it as it was before where it happened as and when. DP used to come over in the evenings when DS was in bed.

If you've been together almost a year and she's met him about 6 months ago it might be a good time to have a discussion with her about how he isn't the same as another friend but he is your boyfriend, explaining that he isn't there to replace her dad and won't mean that she sees her dad any less, but as another nice person that she can spend time with as well as him. Also reassuring her that she always comes first and if she has any worries she mustn't worry about upsetting you but can tell you anything. At four they are very much thinking about everything and trying to figure it out and sometimes they come to odd conclusions. I think because they are so little, we forget and they don't realise that they can talk to us about it to help them try to figure things out as well so it's a good conversation to have even if you don't introduce the boyfriend topic just yet.

I xposted - I don't think you should stop him from seeing her at all, but keep it more casual like some evenings, family events etc. And have the talk at some point, then make it more regular but gradually, not "And now we will see X every week" kind of thing.

I don't think her never seeing him is a good idea. You don't want to geve her the idea that she gets to decide who's your friend or not (far too much responsibility on a child).

Def have a talk with her. Maybe he could come over once every couple of weeks to start with. And rather than the focus of these visits being his interaction with her (again too much pressure), how about he just comes over for tea, or you go to the park together or something so they can just be in the same space and get used to one another).?

Thank you, that's very helpful.

I think she had picked up on the fact he is more than a friend, and that its important to me for her to like him.

Also worth mentioning is that she has just been introduced to her dads new girlfriend (2nd one in 5 months :( ). And she has been introduced as "girlfriend".

Ahhh, it's all so confusing

If her dad has introduced a few girlfriends in a short space of time is it possible your dd is testing your bf to see if he sticks?

Maybe stick with short visits for now but try and make sure they are spent doing things she enjoys?

I think your dd is behaving normally tbh. If I asked your dd she would probably say that you behave differently when your oh is around even if that's not your intention.

My older kids have known their dad's gf for a similar length of time and they are still awkward with her.(They were arguing about having to sit next to her I the sofa)

My advice would be to slow down and play the long game.

Hmm it's tricky when your ex isn't abiding by the rules you are! It could definitely be the case that she's sensing he is more "boyfriend" than "friend" and is therefore expecting him to leave.

I think you can still have a convo with her but don't mention her dad's GFs. If she brings it up that she's worried that BF might go away just when she's started to like him you can say, well, sometimes adult relationships are complicated and no, they don't always work out, but you have been with him for nearly a year and he really likes you and he really likes her and you hope he will be around for a long time yet, but you understand if she is worried about it.

Don't be scared about bringing up a topic that might upset her, it's better to have these things in the open and she will more likely be hugely reassured to hear that you hear her worries and understand them even though you can't guarantee to her 100% that it will work out forever. You can reassure her that you and her dad will always be there for her whoever else is or isn't in your lives, because that is a certainty.

Thank you.
You've all been very helpful. I was a little concerned I was going to get told to forget about the relationship if DD wasn't happy.

Seems like we all just need to keep working through it and talking, and playing it as it goes really.

Thank you

Wine if she is being aggressive, she could just be acting our her anger and frustration about the overall changes, not just this guy. It sounds like you are thoughtful and not pushing things, so it may be that by being so nice and so on, you are on the receiving end of things not really intended for you or your new partner.

Also- she can't be nice all the time, she will start to show her emotions more over time- so this may not be as alarming as it first appears.

Can I come from a different angle? - why is your DD with her dad 'all weekend, every weekend'? - and do you think that this in itself might be something to do with her seeming upset at spending time with your new BF?

The usual pattern for contact is every OTHER weekend and some midweek contact. This is for a very good reason: children need downtime and leisure time with BOTH parents. Especially when your DD is in full-time school, you and she are going to find that home times are going to fly by in a whirl of school, homework, bedtimes... whereas Daddy is going to get all the opportunities to go out for the day to fun places etc. Likewise, Daddy will get more and more divorced from the everyday things in her life - is going to know nothing about school and friends - and is going to find it harder and harder to not be 'Disney Dad' - a fun uncle type figure who isn't actually often getting a chance to take an everyday parenting role.

If your DD is now in nursery/preschool, she might be starting to find the split more stressful: every free day she has, she's staying away from home. I'd hate that. I'd hate it even more if during some of that precious free time with Mum, there was someone else popping up to share the time.

It may seem that you have 'more' of her as she lives with you, but that's not necessarily the way she'll be seeing it if EVERY weekend is with Dad.

Is this worth thinking about? It is very much not the norm, and if you ever want weekend time with your child and she with you, I would change it now.

Hi Talkative

DD is already at school, and all the things you mention, I know, and agree with.

Unfortunately, due to work, I cannot change this :(

As it stands I pick her up Sunday afternoon, and if I have time off work I will have her an extra night over the weekend.

I know it's far from ideal, but that really is the only way I can work and keep a roof over our head.