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Original poster

mil turning up at xmas

23 replies

justalilmummy · 03/12/2013 00:11

Just wanted a little advice/see if ibu or not

Everyyear my mil has turned up at our house of Christmas morning at 10am
She moans at me all December not tk buy kids presents as other people will then turns up with the whole of the toy shop (always tries to outdo me, although thats a whole other thread)
Me and dp have not finished our Xmas morning with the children still opening presents which she then just pushes to the side
Ive spoken to dp but he cant see the problem
Fwiw she is not the sort of women u can talk to, if I asked her not to do it she would turn up even earlier
Should really add that we go over and see her late afternoon so it's not that we dont bother
Aibu to get a bit pissed off?

OP posts:

fluffaduck · 03/12/2013 00:20

YANBU I would be pissed off too. We have xmas day for just us an we visit family over the following week.

Pumpkintopf · 03/12/2013 00:28

YANBU, especially as you go over to see her later in the day anyway. Couldn't your DP ask her politely to let you have your morning to yourselves, and give your DC her presents when you visit her later in the day? She's lucky to see you at all on Christmas day tbh.

Bubblegoose · 03/12/2013 00:33

YANBU. Sneak into her house on Christmas Eve and steal her car keys.

lookingfoxy · 03/12/2013 01:12

My mum always comes round on Christmas morning to see my dcs opening their gifts and ill make her breakfast if she wants any. She then goes to my brothers house for the same. I don't have a problem as she is part of the family and just joining in. I wouldn't have a problemwith dps mum doing the same if she wanted.
They're both widows and I think it must be quite sad to wake up on Christmas morning alone.

Original poster

justalilmummy · 03/12/2013 01:20

TLookingfoxy shes not alone at xmas she has 4 other children there who have not yet left home.
Ive tried bubblegoose but I feel like infant complain to him as he doesnt get it, we come from very different backgrounds
Shes a nice enough lady although highly annoying
I just want my Xmas with me dp and kids in the morning but she insists on barging in on everything
I know other mnetters would be grateful but she takes every first from me, she bought the children their first stocking, buys them Christmas outfits, wants to do everything and I find it really annoying as they are mine but she always has to do it first!!!!
Sorry for the rant I should never get started on the mil we could be here till next year.

OP posts:

Original poster

justalilmummy · 03/12/2013 01:21

Sorry about mistakes my phone is autocorrect and I didnt notice till I read it back

OP posts:

Jux · 03/12/2013 02:02

Hmmm, looks like you'll have to get up and do presents and things before 10 then. So, she turns up and you've done it all and are in the middle of breakfast, then after brekkie the children can open the presents from her. They can already be dressed in their Xmas outfits and so on.

Or, having seen her on the morning, you don't really have to go round on the afternoon. You can keep the family presents for the afternoon, and have big thing then, or later on the morning after she's gone.

But, seriously, you need to take control of it all from her, so that you do things your way. You don't have to go along with what she wants.

JollySantersSelectionBox · 03/12/2013 02:26

Why not tell her that you want to buy XY then actually buy AB?

Then you will both be getting the DC's things they actually want or need. She sounds very generous to me so think about the important or useful gifts and make sure she buys those but be very clear about the ones coming from Santa or yourselves.

Why it try preemptive strike? Invite her round for a specific gift exchange day, or arrange a day/time for you to visit her. Take around a cake and your presents for her from the DC.

Tell her you want to do this before the 25th, as you don't think the DC appreciate the enjoyment of seeing her open a present from them on Christmas day, as they are too caught up in the excitement.

MiniMonty · 03/12/2013 02:32

You need to re-claim Christmas day for you and yours and any sensible MIL would understand this. It would seem harsh to say "stay away" but it seems quite reasonable to me to say, in the nicest possible way, "wait until you're welcome".

So...
Just go out at 9:30

If it's been snowing have a couple of those cheapo plastic sleds ready and go to a park with a hill. Go out and feed the ducks for an hour. Buy someone a kite then go out and fly it. Head off to a local beauty spot with a flask of hot chocolate...
You'll work something out.
Check out what's open near you on Christmas morning (you'll be surprised).

Most importantly you need to get your other half on-side (negotiate, stamp your foot, cajole - doesn't matter) but you need to present a united front and after simply not being home when MIL arrives wih hyer toy shop you need the other half to talk to MIL and let her know that you value Xmas morning alone, that you will visit her later that day and that from now on that's the way it's going to be...

Or just do Christmas in Antigua (yes please)...

halfwayupthehill · 03/12/2013 04:41

I have an aunt like this. She always expects to stay over and always wants to come the day before and leave the day after the dates she is invited for. Last year she moaned citicised etc and tried to get me to remove some of my stocking fillers to make room for the ones she wanted to give (to only one of the kids btw). She barged into my room on christmas morning and sat on my bed while the kids opened their stockings and had no boundaries. She is lonely and would be welcome for lunch onwards into boxing day so this year the invite is that specific. I just want some peace and privacy and time with the kids on christmas morning. So far she has not replied..i think she is offended. I don't care.

Hissy · 03/12/2013 09:17

You are going to have to have the 'with all due respect MIL, this is not your "turn" anymore' conversation.

Xenadog · 03/12/2013 10:47

If you don't want her there on Christmas morning tell DP that you don't and then explain what you want instead. You both need to be united on this one (might be a be bit tricky if he doesn't see it as a problem) and then tell MiL in a kind way that you will see her later on in the day at hers. Tell her and just repeat this mantra until she gets the message. The stuck record technique does work eventually.

You are perfectly entitled to say you want Christmas morning with just your immediate family and especially as you are going to see her later in the day as well. She clearly wants to see the children open her presents to them and that's fine - they could do that in the afternoon when you visit.

I think the problem, OP is that you haven't asserted yourself with MiL enough in the past and so now she is used to getting what she wants. Maybe it's time for a new year's resolution to be clearer with boundaries with MiL?

Emmarie26 · 03/12/2013 13:59

I have exactly the same issue with the fil. . .last year he turned up at 4am!! Every year he is told to wait till we ring, and every year he arrives earlier. I am trying to put my foot down a bit this year though. He is being told not to come until we ring, if he chooses to ignore this then he won't be coming in, I am confiscating all door keys and hiding them until I am ready to open the door (preferably after coffee). If he doesn't like it he can sod off and not come at all, which I would prefer anyway. I haven't had a single christmas morning without fil and bil bloody breathing down my neck, expecting me to jump up and make them drinks

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 03/12/2013 15:02

Drive over to MIL's at 8:30 with several dozen presents from Poundland for her.

Once you get home, hide the car-keys and enjoy the rest of your day at home.

Jux · 03/12/2013 18:17

Emmarie, for heaven's sake don't make them drinks. Surely they know where things are, just point them in the right direction, say "oh thanks, I'd love a cuppa" and leave them to it. With luck, they will learn that at your house they help out. Give them chores jobs too.

Emmarie26 · 03/12/2013 20:24

Great idea jux - will definitely be doing that this year

DontmindifIdo · 03/12/2013 20:44

I think you need to strop up at your DH properly, right now he's not dealing with it because you aren't properly making it an issue to be solved, and telling MIL not to do it would upset her. The choice now is upsetting his mum or having you not 100% happy, but not shouty and crying, so managable. Change that.

Ways to avoid her coming round, tell her that yo'ud like the DCs to open gifts from her at her house, she's welcome but you've told them her gifts will be there.

Outfits, stockings etc, just buy your own and don't use hers. She can't make you.

Other options, suggest to MIL that you've decided the DCs should know the real meaning of Christmas so you are all going to church on Christmas morning - it is the real meaning of Christmas afterall. Would she like to join you? You could meet her there...

Jux · 03/12/2013 21:56

That's a gooooood idea, Dontmind!

caitlinsurrey · 04/12/2013 09:30

Maybe go away for xmas? Book a cottage somewhere she can't find you :) I know how annoying it is when extended family members "crash" your time with your family, but yeah if it was me i would totally consider leaving at xmas!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/12/2013 10:53

I feel sorry for anyone on their own at Christmas if they've been used to lively celebrations in bygone days but draw the line at someone trying to take over and dominate. In MIL's case she has family at home still anyway.

Do you eat Christmas lunch together? Or is she going back to eat with DH's siblings?

@ Bubblegoose.

If I were you I'd get up earlier and let the DCs start opening their presents well before 10 am.

Tbh if DH doesn't see the problem I don't rate your chances of inventing clever excuses to dodge her will come to much.

YANBU.

ginmakesitallok · 04/12/2013 11:16

Count yourself bloody lucky, last year my dmil woke us all arriving at our house with her dog at 6 am Christmas morn

ginmakesitallok · 04/12/2013 11:17

Morning, she didn't want to miss the kids opening their presents....

DontmindifIdo · 04/12/2013 12:56

oh another line of attack, can you collude with DHs siblings still at home to get her roaringly drunk on Christmas eve so she spends Christmas morning nursing a hangover rather than bothering you?

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