Codependency

[HeartVHead]

I have recently split up with my DP after 3.5 years together and a whole lot of trauma that some of you may remember. Prior to that I was married to an alcoholic.

A friend pointed out to me that I demonstrate many of the traits of being codependant. I have read up around this and think she has a point (childhood background, partners I have chosen, their behaviour, my behaviour etc etc).

I can't really find out by looking online, how you resolve this and was wondering if anyone had any advice? There is a group called Codependants Anonoymous but I can't go to it due to the day it is scheduled and work :-/

Thanks for any insight x

There's a good book about this, Melanie Beatty (sp?) I think it's called Co-dependent No More. I've lived with an alcoholic for a long time and found this useful when I read it a few years ago. I really don't like drama/attention, so I'm surprised by my reluctance to leave him despite a constant nagging feeling that I have to. Everything about our relationship is a contradiction to what a 'good' relationship should be. The book was an insight into the reasons I stay - co-dependency is like an addiction. Well done for escaping both relationships, and lots of luck for the future.

There's a good book called 'codependent no more' I think!?

xpost

Women who love to much by robin Norwood is also good but I 2nd codependent no more.

I bought codependency for dummies, but seriously really clear and well written. And I have looked at quite a few. Melodie Beattie is the doyenne of codependency, and Pia Melody is good too. CoDA have their own literature - a big book and pamphlets that are good.

CoDA meetings are really fab, but unless you are in the south east, there may not be many to go to. I would really recommend in that case finding a therapist that knows about codependency that you can work with.

From CoDA: traits of codependency

&

patterns

Thank you for the info, I will get a book about it first and see how I get on. I am a student so money is tight and I can't afford a therapist right now but will obviously look into that at a later date if need be.

Thanks again :)

Hi Heart

I found it takes quite a while to actually get your head round what the traits are and how they affect you and the way you think/ feel ..and also how they affect your life. I think it's because a codependent person's way of thinking and traits are so deeply engrained ( from upbringing normally) that it can be difficult to pinpoint them -it's part of who you are ( or it certainly was me anyway) . Also it's a less obvious form of addiction . It's not tangible like drugs or alcohol for instance so more difficult to identify .

It's a shame there are not more options for meetings near you as although it took a lot to get me there ( husband leaving and other stuff) I would say it changed me and my life inexplicably . I carry what I learnt from those meetings and my reading ..working through the program with me into every situation I find myself every day. It's a brilliant organisation .

However until you can do that or feel ready to then yes I would second the books that others have recommended. Also if you are really stretched for time then there is a lovely daily reading book called 'the language of letting go' ( a short page every day) which I love. It's so useful and simple. It might be a good way for you to start and doesn't require too much commitment to start with.

I keep it by my bed and try and read it every morning. It's a lovely little book and Its almost as if the book is reading your mind if you are codependent as you think you might be . Very insightful .Good luck with your situation.

Thank you for sharing. I will have a look for that book. I need to do something as I am now 40 and cant live the rest of my life like this (not suicidal, just want to be happy and not make such bad decisions) x