When do you call it?

[AngelBaker]

So me and my partner have been on the rocks for a while now, about 2 years. It is a huge mashup of a lot of things that have led us to this point. But recently the good days/reasons for staying have been slipping away. We have a son together who is 4, we love him dearly but I worry our vibes are starting to rub off on him, we don;t argue in front of him, but he's not completely stupid, even though he's 4 I'm sure he can sense the tension. I work part time and am not sure how I would cope on my own. It would probably mean moving in with my mum for a while, I do have about 6 grand saved up but am not sure if some of this would have to go to partner as he paid about 3/4 of the bills.
The money is what is holding me back, I am miserable and constantly made to feel worthless but I have a cosy warm house, should I really give that up?
I can't see our relationship getting any better, but have no idea how long you should leave these things, just in case. I remember being madly in love with him, but now I'm so miserable I can't imagine feeling that way again.
My mum has suggested going to see a counsellor on my own, maybe if I can be a bit more happier in myself and less stressed, things would start to get better?
I have thought about this for a long time but still don't feel ready to jump...

Does dh know you're seriously thinking of leaving?

Counselling could be a really good idea for you. Though you say that you are "constantly made to feel worthless". Is it your dh who makes you feel like that?

Partner, sorry!

I haven't mentioned it specifically but I'm sure he must be aware, I keep saying I can't carry on like this. And yes, he has a habit of having little digs at me while DS is in the room, 'Mummy hasn't put the washing on has she, so now daddy is going to have to sort it.', that sort of things, it's not that bad, but it's the fact he does it up to 5 times a day, everyday. He always does what he wants to do (gym, friends, playstation) but constantly acts as though he is extremely hard done by and as if his life is so hard. My life isn't exactly difficult but I have a lot to juggle and don't get hardly any me time :/

As you are not married (and even if you were) your DP would have no claim on anything you have saved, jointly named assets tend to get split 50/50 eg house if you are named on the mortgage. First stop, legal and financial advice as there seems to be a bit that you are afraid of happening that won't. What proportion of bills he has paid is relevant.

How do you respond to his comments?

Have you talked to him about his comments and how they affect you?

Have in mind that counselling for you may not be so that you are able to put up with it, but it may help you get the self esteem to walk out.

I think you call it about now.

Have you looked into tax credits and what you would be entitled to? Certainly for me this made all the difference and meant it was doable.

I think he would be pretty harsh if he insisted on taking that six grand off you when you would need it to put a roof over your child's head. But even if you only got to keep half, that's a deposit on a rental and a nice buffer zone to be getting on with. And don't forget he'll have to give money for your DS.

Maybe take legal advice. If money is the only barrier, go for it. You won't regret it. You said yourself you don't love him anymore.

Life's too short OP, it really doesn't sound to me like you need counselling, I think you just need to get away from this man who is sapping the life and confidence out of you

Good luck

I'm not clear why you would have to give him your savings? As you are not married there are no joint assets, so, for example, if he owned a house solely in his name unless you could prove you contributed to the mortgage (and even then it's a long shot) you would have no claim on it. And the same goes for any saving solely in your name. Are there joint debts?
If he has paid more of the bills I'm assuming that's because he earns more. Probably because he's full time and you are part time look after your son?

He no doubts doesn't expect you to do anything cos you haven't, you've aired your grievances to him and he's not interested, he makes you feel worthless, that's all ok cos you have a nice cosy house - wouldn't be for me. If you have 6 grand, move to your mums for a bit until you can re-establish yourself elsewhere - a partner should enhance your life and make it happier, not make you feel miserable and I can assure your son will indeed be picking up on the tension.

I think when the only thing stopping you leaving is whether you can afford it, there is no relationship to carry on with.

Sniping remarks like that in front of a child is totally out of order.

Its a massive daunting thing to think about leaving, but a nice cosy house isn't a good reason to stay when you know you're not happy.

None of your savings would have to be given to him, and you might be eligible for housing benefit, council tax benefit & tax credits which would help with the rent. If its purely money that's making you stay then go & see CAB & they can work out what you could claim & would confirm hopefully that your savings are yours & yours alone. It always feels better to find things out rather than be scared & in the dark. Remember you would receive child maintenance too. Once you have the figures then you can make an informed decision & plans to leave.

Your DS would prefer to live without the tension too, even in a different house :)

I think that there's not usually a way of leaving enough time then the relationship magically gets better. If you're as unhappy as you sound then staying will just make it worse. Don't feel guilty, its not your fault, people can change & circumstances can change & sometimes we have to move on.

You call it a day when one, or both, of you don't want to try to make things better.