MIL problems - can anyone advise? Sorry its long!!!! (New poster)

[JakeysMummy]

Wonder if anyone can help me? Before my ds was born in September last year MIL was ok with me, we weren't best buddies or anything but we got on ok. A lot has happened since me and DH got married in 2003, we couldn't afford to buy a house so we rented and then found out I was pregnant. Flat wasn't big enough (was only one bedroom) so we looked into buying a house, unfortunately everything was so expensive we just couldn't afford it.
In the end we had to apply to the council and all the local housing associations. We were allocated a house straight away - we couldn't have been more lucky if we'd tried - our house is in the middle of a lovely small village with only a handful of other houses and all lovely neighbours. You wouldn't even know it was a council house unless you asked.
This is when MIL turned sour - the council house. She's been a bit off with me ever since we were allocated one, and never comes round to see us anymore (which she did before). She rings up every now and then asking how DS is and why haven't we been to see her, when are we coming etc, she lives ten minutes drive away and works down the road at the primary school! When we do go to hers we feel about as welcome as an infestation of rats. We're there an hour tops before she says 'right we're going out now' (with FIL), in other words 'sod off'.
I've always felt like i'm not good enough for DH as I was brought up in a council house on an estate, my mum and dad had nothing when me and my sis were kids. DH and his sis had everything they needed and more.
I can't see anything wrong with how we live, we both have honest jobs even if they don't pay much, so its not as if we're sponging off anyone, and they knew we couldn't afford to buy a house but didn't offer any help or anything so we had no choice.
Nothing has been said yet (cos we never see her to say anything!), but I don't think its fair DS is missing out on his grandparents just cos (it seems, anyway) we couldn't afford to buy our own house. My parents and my grandparents have all been brilliant, and DS loves them all to bits.
Am I missing a valid point here or is she being a snob?

Sounds like a bit of a snob to me. Are you brave enough to confront her

I'm not really an outspoken sort of person, don't like confrontation! But its getting stupid now. DH is annoyed with her too but won't say anything as he doesn't want to cause trouble.

Are you sure its you moving into a council house that is the problem? Maybe she feels excluded for whatever reason... Sometimes these things can be blown out of all proportion without one side knowing what its all about... Did anything else happen at the same time... e.g. she offered to help you move, you didn't want to bother her and she felt put out?

Hi ccm, we've never made her feel left out, we involved her in everything. she offered to help us move but we felt like it was because she felt she had to, not because she wanted to. Nothing was said, but it just felt like something was amiss.

I wondered too if you think it's the house when in fact it's something else. Have you/dh asked her?

Maybe you need to make the first move even though she's the one backing off - sometimes we need to feel we are still important and maybe she feels like you are moving on away from her (mentally I mean). could you invite her round for a special tea or something and say, "we haven't seen much of you and I/DH/DS miss you". Or ask her to do something to help you with DS - mind him, or something. Maybe she just wants to feel needed and the "we're off out" thing is her way of saying with a sniff "I have a life too"?

Hi, sorry i've been offline for a bit, DS been poorly with D&V, better now. We haven't asked her yet if there's a problem and what it is, we were finding it difficult to try and broach the subject really. She phoned up the other night and I answered the phone, whereas she'd usually chat to me for a bit she literally just said 'Hello, is (DH) there please?' like she didn't know me. I was so shocked I just sort of muttered 'err.. yes i'll just get him for you...' . In hindsight wish i'd have spoken to her properly before handing over the phone but it was just so unlike her attitude towards me before, i just honestly didn't know what to say. I really feel like I must have done something now to upset her but I really can't think what it could be. CCM - it could be what you are saying about her feeling unimportant. We could try the meal idea - do you think at our home or go out to somewhere more neutral?

mmm... tricky one. I would opt for your house if she's the old fashioned type especially if you can make a fuss over her - make something she knows you know she likes type of thing. Going out could seem like you couldn't be bothered to make an effort and then she might think she's expected to pay... Don't think it has to be a big full blown meal, even a cup of tea and a nice cake or something. The way she was on the phone did sound a bit odd. Was it a routine thing that she wanted to talk to your DH about? Something she couldn't ask you?

It was strange because she normally asks me the computer questions, I work with them and DH doesnt so i'm a bit more in the know.

However its DH's birthday on Sunday and she's just phoned to ask us round to theirs for a barbecue to celebrate it. Wish i'd thought of it first but never mind. So she can't hate me that much else she wouldn't have bothered? Will try and make an extra effort on Sunday and see what happens!

Good luck. I'm sure it'll be fine...

maybe shes menopousal.............

OMG!!! Carly you are probably right cos she's going through the menopause!!!!!