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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

partner's ex is causing so much trouble, I have absolutely no idea how to deal with this, please help esp re dp's son

17 replies

BuxtonGirl · 02/12/2013 13:59

dp has one child, age 14 (let's call him L), and an ex. They live in the next village to us but used to live in the village we live in now.

when dp and I got together, dp's ex vowed she would never let L come and visit us, he was banned from our house. She confronted me in the street and said (in front of L) that I was a whore and a slag and had only won over dp because I was a tart etc. She called my children the most horrific names. She has admitted she does not want dp back (but clearly doesn't want him happy either!).

in the meantime, when dp wants to see L, he has to go around to their house and spends time there. Last time dp went there, the ex violently attacked him. When dp said he would not go around there again, dp's ex called in L and said 'look L, dp doesn't want to come here because he'd rather spend time with that whore and those bastard children'.

this weekend, dp arranged to go around at 9.30 and take L out. The night before, she called his mobile 72 times. She does this every day. Dp texted her saying what do you want and she wouldn't answer. He doesn't want to block her from his phone in case it is about L. She then started calling the landline incessantly until 3.30am at which point I unplugged it. I am calling BT today to get her blocked - the first call she uses her number but then she blocks it so you can't tell it's her but it is.

At 9.30, dp arrives at the house. She answers the door. She makes a coffee for them both. He goes to tell L to get ready as he isn't ready. He walks back to the kitchen and she picks up his cup of coffee and throws it against the wall and then takes a piece of the cup and tries to stab him. He wrestles her and she takes the piece and tries to stab herself instead and says she is going to kill herself as L is so rude to her now and she can't see the point in going on. She is also blackmailing dp with photos/texts from the past and threatening to publish them.

I think she is mentally unwell, seriously mentally unwell. I have always thought this. But unfortunately, no-one seems concerned about this other than me and dp. I am trying hard not to get involved because she hates me so much if she thought I was involved. Dp is concerned but is finding it hard to know what to do as she doesn't really want much to do with him but obviously he is very very concerned about L. I think L needs to go and stay somewhere else but unfortunately, he can't stay with us as he won't come near us. Her family won't speak to dp. Dp is going to call her best friend today and ask if she can go and stay there for a bit but she's abroad and this may not be a solution.

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BuxtonGirl · 02/12/2013 14:03

also one of the reasons the authorities haven't been called in is that dp's ex managed to get hold of messages from his phone (I have no idea how she did this but she has a copy of mine and dp's messages to each other for around a month - it may have been something to do with dp's itunes account which we think was compromised).

what she managed to do was download the messages onto L's ipod. She then accused me and dp of corrupting L with sordid messages as she left them there so that L read them :(. I feel awful about that as I was away for a few of those weeks and was sending dp messages which did probably cross a line but were for me and him only :(.

she has this and is threatening to publish these too and has threatened to go to social services with this to show how dp should not be allowed access to L :(

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 02/12/2013 14:09

Why is your DP going round her house and having phone contact with her. Surely a 14 year old can facilitate his own contact with his father?

BuxtonGirl · 02/12/2013 14:14

L's mother has insisted (with L) he has no contact with dp unless it goes through her. Dp tries hard and texts L etc. but when he (L) goes home and leaves his phone, his mother picks it up and reads all the texts and knows when they are planning to meet etc.

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bluestar2 · 02/12/2013 14:16

I would suggest calling social services. It sounds like an environment not suitable for the child.
Buy l a mobile phone And your dh to contact him via this as he is 14 and can begin facilitating contact with his father. I would also consider reporting the harassment and blackmail. If you report it and preempt it you remove the threat and hold she has.
I think your right and she has some problems. 70 + phone calls is not normal. What does you dh want to do?

kickassangel · 02/12/2013 14:18

I think you may need to bite the bullet and contact social services. She sounds very unwell, a danger to herself and possibly L. It cannot be good for him to be living in that atmosphere. Worst case scenario? L in care and dp only have supervised contact, but that sounds better than the current situation.

Do you really think that she is the best person to be caring for L right now?

FluffyJumper · 02/12/2013 14:20

I would contact social services. I suspect that you are scared to do this because that would make the content of the texts public?

BuxtonGirl · 02/12/2013 14:21

he wants to protect his son but it's very very hard because his mum has made L hate us so so much that L will not have much interaction with us

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bluestar2 · 02/12/2013 14:23

If he wants to protect him then he needs to report it. Both to social services and police. I know how hard that would be but if he is already resisting contact it can't get much worse but in time with professional help it can get better.

NigellasLeftNostril · 02/12/2013 14:23

I would call SS

BuxtonGirl · 02/12/2013 14:24

i think I can live with the humiliation :) although I don't want it, it's more that L has been poisoned so much that even if they became involved, I don't know where they would put L because he wouldn't come to us :( and I think dp would be devastated if he ended up in foster care

also he is really worried his ex will kill herself :( and it will be his 'fault'

I keep trying to get into his head that she is unwell and needs help!

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BillyBanter · 02/12/2013 14:28

If she is violently attacking him he should call the police. However I can understand if he is worried he might come out worst in that.

In which case I'd echo phoning social services, maybe mankind, families need fathers, a family lawyer etc for advice.

The threats about messages between you and your dp are empty unless you were texting about doing something illegal.

drasticpark · 02/12/2013 14:36

How on earth has she got hold of private texts? If she has intercepted them somehow (how that would be possible I really don't know) or stolen his phone surely that is a reportable crime? Blackmail is also a crime. Why is your DP accepting all this?

BuxtonGirl · 02/12/2013 14:56

it's not illegal just not the sort of thing you want other people reading!

these were all imessage linked to an itunes account. Dp's son had his own account but his ipod was also linked to dp's account. What dp's ex realised is that if she turned on imessage on L's ipod, she could read the messages that dp was sending/receiving (or I think it might be one way, might be only receiving). One day dp turned up and L was in tears because his ipod had gone missing. Neither of us thought anything of it. For around a month, she read everything he sent to anyone on imessage - we could not understand how she kept sabotaging events (e.g. dp would text me about seeing L, something he had only spoken to L on the phone and dp's ex would arrange something that meant L couldn't do it every single time).

Then dp's ex admitted what she was doing and gave the ipod back to L but without deleting all the messages so that L read everything we had said to each other :( and all the stuff dp had said about L etc. It was bloody awful and I still cannot see why she was so spiteful and horrible about that as it hurt L immeasurably.

dp's ex said it was because she wanted L to see what dp and I were really like (i.e. she deliberately left messages on it) :( but dp had said stuff about L's behaviour and of course, there were a load of lovey dovey things between us and (ahem) one or two pictures as I'd been away for 2 weeks :( (which of course L saw too and were inappropriate for a child)

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bluestar2 · 02/12/2013 15:00

I'm guessing she got the texts from iCloud or similar.
If she threatens to kill herself again then phone police. Of she is attention seeking she won't do it again and if she genuinely needs help then they can make contact with the appropriate authorities.
I think you dh needs to look 10 years down the line at how life wil be if he allows this to carry on. He still has a chance to repair relationship with son but if he allows this to continue it may be damaged permenantly. That's without considering the stress this will place on your relationship.

FluffyJumper · 02/12/2013 15:02

So there were messages from your DP to you about L's behaviour?

Ah, then that is what has upset L. How can you possibly have thought it was the sex stuff that bothered him when there was this sort of stuff on there, that must have felt like a massive betrayal and will have played right into his ex's hands.

If she's threatening suicide then surely social services is the only option?

caramelwaffle · 02/12/2013 15:07

It's time to contact the police.

Your local station will have a Domestic Violence Unit; they will advise on what you need to do.

Your Dp should most definitely look into a Non-Molestation Order.

His son is old enough to contact him directly.

His ex sounds like a nightmare but more than that; a dangerous nightmare. She needs dealing with offically.

BuxtonGirl · 02/12/2013 15:08

yes though the messages about L were not too bad (and thank god, I said some nice things about him on there). Despite him thinking I am a witch, I am terribly concerned about the environment he is living in. (I was brought up by a mentally ill alcoholic mother and a lot of things are similar). I think the sex stuff was a bit confusing for him :(

anyway, you are all right, I think it does need to go to the authorities. I think I just needed to hear it was the right thing as it's quite hard when you're stuck in it.

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