WTF is wrong with me?

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

I genuinely don't know if there is something wrong with me when it comes to men. I seem to pick bad men and am about a year out of my last abusive relationship.

I thought I wanted to date, and met a really nice man recently. He told me how much he likes me, how amazing I am blah blah blah. All the things you would like to hear, things that are never usually said to me.

I freaked out, told him I couldn't do it and have broken his heart.

Now I feel shitter than I did before.

Why can I not accept love from good men? Why can I only love absolute bastards? Will it ever change?

Sorry for this, I just am really confused right now.

Have you talked it through with a counsellor? Probably a good place to start.

I have tried, I just cannot get into counselling.

I must admit, I'd rather visit the dentist! But you should probably keep at it until you find someone you click with.

Thanks brag

What's "wrong" with you sounds like poor self-esteem. Hence choosing bad men who confirm your belief that you don't deserve better, and pushing away nice men who contradict your belief that you don't deserve better.

Please try out a few counsellors and find one you click with. This is about your core happiness, and is worth pushing your comfort zone for.

puds what have you done to help yourself heal from the abusive relationship?

If the answer is nothing, then tbh, you will/can not have healed from this.

Please look into contacting WA, get yourself on the Freedom Programme, read the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and understand that until you fix this, you will run the risk of falling for it all again.

99% of healing/recovery is regaining the self belief/confidence that you CAN handle your life, you CAN decide if things and people are unacceptable and you can welcome in the GOOD.

What is happening here is that you dont' think you are worth GOOD, and you are not used to it, so it freaks you out as it's so ALIEN to you. What you feel comfortable with is BAD/ABUSIVE.

Getting back to dating after working on yourself after abuse is hard, and slow. You are not ready yet. You will be, but you have to do stuff before you can be in the right place to be happy/healthy.

Keep posting puds!

Thank you

I have come to terms with the abuse, but I know it manifests deeply in my subconscious.

I don't have any self worth. I cannot understand why anyone would like me let alone love me. I have been made to believe that I am stupid and worthless. Even though I know in my rational mind this isn't true, I still cannot seem to move past it.

I still look to my abuser to approve of my life. He told me not to see this new man, so I stopped.

It drives me crazy. I do anything to appease him although I know he would never do the same to me.

He did confuse me greatly though by telling me I could do much better than this new man. This coming from a man who told me I was worthless.

If you have not actively had therapy, attended a group or 2 then you are only burying the abuse. It will (it has to) always come back to bite you.

it won't go away by itself and your fear of being abused will taint everything until you break it.

Get yourself on the FP, read the book and see if you can invest in some therapy.

It's really worth it. YOU are worth it. WA may be able to advise you on counsellors.

He LIES to you. He LIES because he doesn't want you moving on. It is a shame that these underhand tactics saw off nice man, although I have to say you are probably not yet ready for another relationship even with someone ever so lovely. However, nice man was right, you are likeable and amazing and one day hopefully you will start to feel that way. Hissy is right, you need help with this. A stern talking-to by yourself won't cut it, because you don't currently respect yourself!

And get ex and his half-baked, offensive opinions out of your life by whatever means necessary. Nice man has had his heart broken (well, is disappointed at least) because nasty man is still whispering poison into your ear and you are not, at this moment in time, strong enough to reject it. This is wrong, isn't it? Bad should not be allowed to win out over good.

Thank you Annie and Hissy

Unfortunately nasty man and I have a child, so he will always be in my life. He has a new girlfriend, so things are going well for him and I think in a way it makes him feel good that he has someone and I am on my own.

Everything you have said is very true. I thought I had realised my self worth, but in times of stress or doubt I just revert back to what is so deeply in grained into me…that I am worthless.

Definitely counselling - how can it NOT be worth doing that? You are worth that.
But please - the ex - he shouldn't even have known that you were dating. Even if you have context because of your child, please don't tell her your personal business.

We agreed on full disclosure about relationships. He told me about all of the people he has dated, so I mentioned that I was thinking about going out with this guy and he basically said no.

Gah…its all stupid really.

FFS! Stop that! You owe him nothing.
Bollocks to full disclosure!

Your life is nothing to do with him anymore!

Stop giving your life to him! Take it back for yourself!

I have a child too, so I have crappy man in my life until he dies. But he has no say in my life, nor in my son's.

You do need to do the therapy/FP/whatever you can get your hands on.

You are still being abused, but you're not sleeping with him.

Break free.

You're completely right Hissy I need to break free. The fear is still there. I guess therapy would help with that though.

It most definitely would!

Call WA and get some talking started and ask for suggestions for where to find therapists with DV experience.

The only thing that ex of yours likes to see, is YOU suffering, alone, sad.

Think nasty little boy, that no-one likes - pulling the wings/legs of insects.

That's him. Pathetic and nasty.

Leave him for dust, time for you to rise and grow again.

Get him OUT of YOUR life. Minimise the exposure he has to your dc too.

I'm on phone so hope this message makes sense.

I just wanted to second what everyone else is saying about counselling. It took me years to find the right one, but it was the only way to unravel the way I thought.

Your self worth will of been hammered by being with the abusive twunk - and it sounds like he is still massively controlling you. You def need a step back from him (hard with a child I know) And to regain your control.

For me, I found (find!) it hard to think of myself deserving much in terms if how men treat me, so I try and think of it objectively as what does any woman deserve? How does my child's mother deserve to be treated? I found I could instinctively answer those questions easier then apply them to myself. It slowly in increased my self worth, may be worth a try for you? How do you want your dc to see you being treated?

Lastly, I went out with knobatrons specifically because they were so obviously flawed. I was so used to abuse that I actively chose men that I knew were cheaters / disrespectful / abusive because I felt safer in a better the devil you know kind of way. "Safe" and nice men I avoided because they were hard work, it was a leap of faith too far to think they were really that nice and so I spent even longer looking for their flaws and it was too much hard work.

I hope that all makes sense, I just wanted you to know that it can get better once you start recognising why you believe certain things.wishing you luck x

Thanks Silly, that makes total sense, especially the looking for flaws bit.