Things have gone from bad to worse - what now?

[stillcryinginside]

Hi all, hoping for some perspective here as I'm thinking wtaf?

I started a thread on AIBU - sorry don't know how to do links but it was 'not sure what to make of this'.

I didn't mention anything about the search history to h but in general conversation asked him what he thought we should get people for Christmas and did he have any ideas/suggestions. He said he didn't know and that I'm usually the one who does the present buying so I left it. A few days later he just came out with 'what about an henryhugglemonster and said he'd been looking online for them. I thought it was a bit strange that he'd decided to just bring it up then, several days after the initial search and after I'd asked if he had any ideas.

Anyway, I can see you're all thinking this is all a bit pathetic in the grand scheme of things ... and I'd agree.

This is when it's all gone a bit crazy! The following evening while h was on his iPad again on forums and whatever he does I jokingly said ohh I wish you found me as interesting as those forums you read. He looked up and snapped 'what do you mean' at me. I was abit taken aback so became more serious and said I felt a bit uninteresting and lonely, I didn't mean to come across as needy but it really would be nice if we could spend some time doing things together once in a while.

He proceeded to tell me I should get an hobby and that I didn't understand his interest. How it gives him an outlet to not have to worry about bills/general day to day crap. That there are things I do that pisses him off. I said I was sure there must be things I do that pisses him off but if he didn't talk to me about things, how would I know and how could I try to fix it. He went silent for a moment, then asked what I thought I did that pissed him off? I said I wasn't sure because it wouldn't be intentional. He proceeded to ask me to guess then! Wtf, if I do something that pisses him off why can't he just tell me? I began reeling things off that I thought might irritate him, things like not understanding his interest, complaining that things needed to be done and had been left unfinished etc etc. but he said no, apparently what pisses him off is that my career didn't sky rocket. I retrained a few years ago and thought I'd one day be able to run my own business. The market became flooded and jobs few and far between. I do work for myself but not on the scale that I had hoped for.

The other thing that pisses him off is my depression, I don't produce enough serotonin so take meds to help. 90% of my days are good but when I have bad days it's like living in a black hole and I retreat into myself. I've never asked for sympathy and I've battled through it for years. I used to be a lot worse many years ago but I feel I'm winning the fight now. It's not something new, I was diagnosed in my late teens and lived with it for years. I have explained in detail to h about depression and how it can affect you. But he says he doesn't understand it and everyone gets down sometimes, that's life. I asked if it pisses him off so much why he's not said anything, why he doesn't do anything to help and why he wouldn't bother to research the subject himself to give him a better understanding. He went on and on about what annoys him when I'm low.

He said what the f##k can I do about it? There's lots of things he could do to possibly help, run me a bath, tidy round a bit, load/unload dishwasher. General stuff that I face that hasn't been done when I've got my strength back. I appreciate he's not my nursemaid but can't understand if you care for someone why you wouldn't do what you could to help instead of silently being pissed off.

I'm shocked quite honestly and don't know what to think anymore :-(

I think in a way it's good that you got talking about this.

It doesn't look good that he asked you to guess what annoyed him. It sounds more like he didn't hae a clue and expected you to find fault in yourself. Don't ever enter this game again.
He doesn't sound very supportive either. How can he dismiss your depression as everyone is low sometimes?
You could ask him to do those little things, if you don't already.

Do you have psichological support for your depression?

Maybe you should ask him to go to a few sessions and see how he responds.

Maybe have some therapy? I'm sort saying you or the docs are wrong of course but it is very rare for someone's depression to be solely caused by not producing enough serotonin. Very rare indeed. It is more often existential/psychological not an 'illness' as such. And being in a relationship where you are not valued is def not gonna help. Plus, 'retreating into yourself' is the worst thing you can do with depression, much more important to keep up routine and activity as much as possible. Maybe ask the GP about access to counselling/CBT?

Also, your h sounds like a dick. Please never rattle of a list of 'faults' about yourself ever again!

I remember your original post, OP.

I find his behaviour bizarre and tbh, abusive, esp. the bit about making you guess what you did that pissed him off. I hate to say this - and am not joking here, it reminded me of the husband in Sleeping With The Enemy (if you haven't seen that film, that is not a good thing). And making you feel bad about your career - you're working for yourself - that is an achievement!

"he says he doesn't understand it and everyone gets down sometimes, that's life" - but that's not depression - and he's right about one thing: he DOESN'T understand it - and it seems like he doesn't want to, either.

I agree w/ Jacey - see your GP re. counselling/CBT.

It's odd that your innocuous comment re. forums prompted such behaviour. I see a lot of red flags here. I wonder if he is having a go at you to forget about his own faults, or some transgression?

I sympathise with you, OP. I have depression too. I was also with a partner who put me down, told me I didn't understand things while refusing to try to understand my feelings as I tried to understand his, and lied in order to compensate for his insecurities and transgressions. I left him and have married a wonderful man who is supportive and honest.

I am not saying you must leave him, but do consider what you get out of this relationship. At the very least, he has issues which he must acknowledge and confront. I would hope that he would be willing to see a counsellor. If he will not accept that his behaviour is hurtful/refuses to do anything about it, maybe you should reconsider your future with him.

I wish I could be of more help to you.

Hi all and thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond I was really busy with work yesterday and didn't finish till very late so didn't get the chance to get back on here.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was around 14/15. There wasn't any triggers I just began to cope with things very badly, lashed out at nothing and cried continually. I have asked to come off meds several times over the years but when my GP has tried to reduce my dose I go downhill rapidly and been told I will probably need to take them indefinitely. There is sadly a long line of mental health issues and depression in my family & my DD's have also been affected with it too. One of my girls has severe social phobia and suffers from selective mutism. Depression can be a very debilitating illness.

I have seen CPN's and had counselling etc many times over the years, I've also had hypnotherapy treatment. I am currently seeing a counsellor at the moment once a week. I work very hard at not letting it rule my life but sometimes it is hard and I hate the way it makes me feel.

I was really annoyed with myself for playing his guessing game after the event and wish I hadn't got into it but hey ho, too late thinking afterwards :-/

I had another chat with h last night, it was late and I really didn't want to start a row but I felt we needed to clear the air. I tried explaining to him that if he does 'X' and it pisses me off I should be allowed to discuss it with him and not have thrown back at me 'well you do things that piss me off too'. These things apparently could have been over a matter of weeks, months, years and have never been mentioned before 'X' was brought up and he can't actually recollect anything specific. that's what really irritates and frustrates me. I asked him why he doesn't bring them up at the time then we can discuss them and not let things fester but then he said it really doesn't bother him at the time and it's not a big issue. So why the hell is it suddenly important when I want to talk about something that's pissed me off??

I don't get his logic, but realising now he does it so that 'X' gets pushed to the side because he's busy complaining about me. I think I eventually got through to him after his chest puffing, arm waving and voice raising! I just told him I wasn't prepared to try to discuss anything with him like an adult if he continued to act like a bully or a spoilt brat stomping and arm flinging because they wanted their own way.

I've told him I don't know how I feel anymore, his attitude is totally unexeptable and I'm not prepared to condone it anymore. He needs to start treating me with respect and stop belittling my feelings. He's gone all quiet now but trying to be nice and asking if I want a cup of tea making while I was sorting stuff out for morning.

I don't honestly know what I can do if things don't change, I can't leave, he can't leave. We're tied to a long term tenancy agreement which has 3 more years to run. Neither of us can have our names removed from the tenancy agreement until it expires. We are both equally responsible for the rent so even if one of us did move out we would still have to find our share. Neither of us could afford to pay 2 rents, we struggle as it is most months.

Yes, I have seen sleeping with the enemy but it was a long time ago. I vaguely remember he was frighteningly controlling. I think I might rewatch that again.

What amazes me is h says he is happy, he admitted he'd like more intimacy and sex (which isn't going to be happening anytime soon if he carries on acting like a knob!) but ultimately he thinks everything is fine and says I am important to him. He struggles to understand though why I should be unhappy just because he isn't .....

Hi OP, that sounds awful, of all the stupid things to be pissed off with you about how can he a) have a go at your career, something you tried to make a success (GOOD FOR YOU) and b) depression er..hello.. would he have a go at you if you had a broken leg some other illness?

I can't find much constructive to say at the moment. I hope there will be other posters on hand to help. Stay strong and I hope all improves.

Hi Sicily - thank you for your support.

Just an update if anyone is interested lol. It's actually helping me to write stuff now. Maybe I should start a diary!

We both have separate savings accounts and one joint account where earnings are deposited. The savings account I've had since I was 16 (some 30 years) and is still in my maiden name. I've used it for putting in gifts of money now and then over the years so it doesn't always get swallowed up with general household expenses. I've often used it when the children where little to put their money in to keep it safe (they have their own accounts now). There's not much in it but it's there if I need it.

I'm very open about everything, h knows all my passwords to everything and I never log out of anywhere. He's more than welcome to check anything he wants and I have no problem with it whatsoever. He knows how much I have in my savings account, he usually has my bank card most of the time and knows my PIN number because I'm a sod for losing / forgetting things. I don't know anything about h's, how much he has in it, his PIN number, nothing. He's only recently (last 3 or 4 month) opened his.

Anyway, I noticed a lot of transactions over the past month or so from our joint account that where card machine payments. These where in addition to payments for bills/shopping/regular payments etc I'm aware of. I queried them with h has there was so many and looking back over previous months they where very abnormal. I firstly assumed they where being taken for Christmas shopping given the time of year but h came up with a string of things from petrol to bits from b&q. It seemed a bit odd as h almost always uses the card for purchases but without evidence to the contrary I said ok and said no more.

There's a different tone in the house at the moment and I'm not sure what to make of it and I'm started to hate myself for becoming a snooper. I never used to check what h was up to, now I've found myself checking his browsing history. Wtf is happening to me! I checked again this morning on last evenings browsing and he's cleared it. He's never done that before and I didn't know he even knew how to do it on the iPad.

I don't know what the hell is happening to us or if I'm just making things worse now :-(