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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Missing ex husband

19 replies

movingonishard · 01/12/2013 21:38

I just wish I didn't feel like this...

Briefly history - xh and 1 were together 11 years, and have one ds. Our marriage fell apart due to xh's lies, and emotional abuse. Plus just as things fell apart completely I discovered he was crossdressing and exposing himself. I instigated the divorce and he didn't express any objections.

We've lived separately for several months now and have an ok ish relationship for the sake of our son - kind of polite but distant.Recently I've been missing him more and and enjoy the brief time he spends here. I felt like I was going mad with all his lies when we were together and couldn't trust him. However he was lovley in some ways and I can still see those things, more so in some ways as we never argue any more. I still enjoy seeing ds with him.

I feel so sad and lonely

OP posts:

Handywoman · 01/12/2013 21:45

I separated in June from STBXH and found this last week really tough for the first time. For me it's dark gloomy days, flipping cold weather, grey skies, drudgery , lack of money, dd2 being really difficult, trying to find time to walk the dog etc. Now is prime time for looking back with rose tinted glasses. But it's not the exH it's just having another pair of hands I miss. I have another single mum friend and we clubbed together last night and let the kids run riot/have a late night. I can recommend finding an ally.

Original poster

movingonishard · 01/12/2013 21:51

Sorry to hear you're finding it tough too Handywoman.

I think whilst the divorce/finances etc were being sorted (it took a long time) I focussed on that, then I had the "excitement" of finally being free, now the reality is sinking in. Plus I've been doing some online dating, and haven't met anyone I'd prefer to being with ex . I just keep wishing ex wanted to be with me enough to stop the lying and all the other behaviour...

OP posts:

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 01/12/2013 22:04

Your not missing your ExH, your missing the security and company, and its a perfectly naturally response, that will fade in time.

Original poster

movingonishard · 01/12/2013 22:08

Your right; I do miss the security and company terribly. I wish I couldn't see those things I loved about him still

OP posts:

bigstrongmama · 01/12/2013 22:14

I'm the same sometimes. I try to think of it in terms of the things I miss that I would like with someone else in the future: the shared good times, the security of being a couple, the help at the end of a hard day...!

Sometimes I crave the relief of someone taking over. Find a way to give yourself a break and believe in a happy future

Original poster

movingonishard · 01/12/2013 22:19

Yes that;s a good way of thinking about it,

It's just hurting more and more that he didn't want to save our marriage

OP posts:

Minime85 · 01/12/2013 22:25

feeling similar to you. its tough going. I hope it gets better.

Original poster

movingonishard · 01/12/2013 22:26

Sorry to hear that Mini. How long have you been apart?

OP posts:

Handywoman · 01/12/2013 23:04

Very similar in that sense here, OP, I asked STBXH after spilling ten years of pain and heartache in front of him.

STBXH simply left and has not discussed a thing. Very hurtful. But more common than you'd think it seems. It's like the whole thing was a lie. Very hard.

Original poster

movingonishard · 01/12/2013 23:10

Yes that does sound similar :(

I feel like our time together wasn't really real sometimes, especially after finding out about the crossdressing and exhibitionism. he wouldn't discuss that either. Sorry to hear it's been tough for you too HW

OP posts:

17leftfeet · 01/12/2013 23:12

It took me about 18 months to stop seeing things through rose tinted glasses

There are very good reasons why you split up -can you go through the pain again?

Original poster

movingonishard · 01/12/2013 23:16

I would never want to go though that pain and stress again. I guess I only see him being nice now so in some ways makes it harder.

I wish I could ask him more about the crossdressing, etc just to understand why but I know there's no point in trying

OP posts:

Handywoman · 01/12/2013 23:22

Hard not to feel like loose ends need tying up, moving, but really you can't think about his thoughts and feelings any more, hard though it is. Try to cultivate a sense of 'I don't give a f*' because the time of being enmeshed in his thoughts/feelings has passed. He's had hoc chance to explain. Try and do things for you, even if it's a long soak in a bath. Not very MNetty but (((hugs)))

Original poster

movingonishard · 01/12/2013 23:24

Thanks HW - you're right about having that sort of attitude. In fact I did feel like that but I've just been going over and over things more recently.

OP posts:

17leftfeet · 01/12/2013 23:25

You need to ask yourself what would you hope to gain from discussing it with him

Would it change the past?

Would it let you see past the behaviour?

You know the answer to those questions

If you were still in the relationship it would be worth talking about but you aren't and by dwelling on the past you are preventing yourself from moving on with your life

There is a reason why dating isn't working for you, you need to work on being happy with yourself in your current situation before you move on to a new relationship

Original poster

movingonishard · 01/12/2013 23:29

You're right 17 , there is no point and in reality I wouldn't attempt to discuss it, as I wouldn't believe what he told me anyway!!

It's only been recently I've felt like this. Sadly the dating hasn't worked so far as I've not met anyone I felt a connection with and am not prepared to "make do", plus I've learnt a lot about what I do and don't want as a result of the failure of my marriage.. If I do start a new relationship it has to feel right

OP posts:

Handywoman · 01/12/2013 23:33

I think that thinking. 'What could 've been ' is probably quite natural. None of us sets out to end up divorced single parent, do they? This is probably part of 'taking stock'.

I am SO not even remotely ready for online dating! Still enjoying the space and lavishing attention on me and the kids!

Apart from anything else I do NOT trust my boundaries! On waiting list for low cost counselling.

Am viewing this 'journey' as a marathon, not a sprint.

17leftfeet · 01/12/2013 23:40

How long ago did you split -you mention a few months in your original post

The first 12-18 months are a massive roller coaster of emotions

I went from hating him to seeing only the good bits and wishing we could get back with each other with frighteningly regularity -what you feel is perfectly normal and accepting you had those good times is ok, there is obviously a reason you were together for 11 years!

Look at the positives you have now though without him -it really does get easier over time

Original poster

movingonishard · 01/12/2013 23:46

We separated nearly 2 years ago. I move into my new place 7 months ago,

yes I know what you mean about the changeable feelings. Although I would never contemplate getting back together with him. I just wish I didn't miss him so much sometimes

OP posts:

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