Children of forces parents

[todaysdateis]

My dad was in the Army until I was in my teens, we moved a fair bit and usually by ourselves rather than with other families. So apart from me and my sibling we were usually the only new people at school, this made me fairly introverted and isolated although I can fit in and pretend so no one would actually know how uncomfortable I feel.

Fast forward X years and I have been divorced for a long time - it was a mistake, he had the extended family I always craved - brought our kids up by myself they are now all in their twenties and doing well. So decided on online dating as wasn't meeting any men in normal life. I've now noticed that I am attracted to men who have been in the forces - this is just going on their photos - its only when I chat to them do I know that is their past, most have no children (only one had) and most mess me about, can't commit to either dates or relationships.

What has brought all these things to the fore was reading a sentence in a book which said being brought up as forces children 'forced them to be quite self sufficient and to not expect too much' at the point I read that I was nearly in tears because it is just how I feel.

Was just wondering if anyone else feels this way? Or is it just me and my experiences?

Well I've just asked my kids (the older three are 19,20 and 21) and they all said they don't feel that way at all! However it sounds like you moved more than we did.. DH came out after 22 years a few years back to enable them to finish their GCSEs/A levels in one place. I don't think any of them would call themselves self sufficient :D

I wonder if maybe it would help to chat to a councellor?

Thanks for the reply, at those ages I didn't think it had affected me either. Its only now after several unsuccessful attempts at relationships and some deep thinking that the phrase 'not expect too much' really struck home. I think talking to a counsellor is probably a very good idea but at this time there is too much upsetting stuff going on to unleash the turmoil that this will undoubtedly bring :(

I think that is a massive sweeping statement, tbh.

My DC (almost 19 and almost 17) don't feel that way, DH is currently still serving. We have moved quite a bit, they have been the new ones in schools, but into schools that have been used to dealing with that. I have always been around even if DH hasn't.

I'm not a Forces' child, but my parents were/ are really awful parents. That made me self sufficient and taught me not to expect too much from them.

Yes it was a general statement and I did also qualify it by asking if it was my experience and also said that at those ages of 17 - 21 I didn't think it affected me.

I'm talking from the point of view of a 40 something woman who had a dad in the forces. If you had asked my mum when I was those ages she would have said exactly the same as both other posters in that it hadn't had much of an influence as she was always around, but I'm not trying to form a relationship with another woman I'm trying to form a relationship with a man and I'm wondering if dad being in the forces is what makes me react to other men the way I do.

It would be interesting to hear from other people who are now 20 - 30 years on to see if it is just my experience or if other people have similar experiences.

OP, what do you mean by "not to expect too much"? Do you accept more bad behaviour from men and if so, why does your upbringing make you do that?

op I know exactly what you mean. Yes I agree with the sentence. I don't think parents will get it though. The life affects kids in a different way to adults.

blueshoes the meaning I take from 'not expect too much' is that generally I won't be someone's first thought, that work will always come first and that I can't rely on them because something else could crop up.

If all of that indicates my acceptance of bad behaviour I don't know, I don't accept cheating or DV or excess alcohol turning someone nasty - they seem to be my bad behaviour examples.

I think really the problem for me is that dad always left - he was never at home for my birthday always on exercise - I felt that I couldn't rely on him being there and I am bringing that into other relationships, I want the men to be around but either act like I don't care if they are or not - life goes on - or the total opposite and very needy and insecure both of which feed into the situation.

Hi today, thanks for elaborating. I see what you mean about not expecting too much.

I know you are asking for forces experience for which I have none. But FWIW, my father was not around much when I was growing up and the family was secondplace to his work, hobbies/golf, affairs(!). I compensated by making sure the man I married would be as different from my father as possible i.e. that he would be around for me and dependable. All my siblings also married homebodies. So I guess we coped in the opposite way. But I accept the effects of a forces experience would be more intense.

I still think you are talking absolute rubbish.

My dad was a fireman. He never had a Christmas off, he was rarely home on my Birthday, never attended one of my parties. He had a hobby that took up a lot of his time that only involved my brother, so when he was off work he was away doing that. He, also, had a second job. He was not a family man. He thought 2 foreign holidays a year made up for it.

Yes, DH goes away. But when he is here our DC come first, always, every single time. He never missed a school play, a birthday party, a parents' evening. He has taken them swimming, gliding, sailing, taught DS1 to drive, sat up till 2am so they don't have to get a taxi home from town and drove to the airport in the middle of the night to bring them home from holidays. He is dependable and reliable, far far more so than my father, my brother or BIL.

Thank you IamInvisible for the insight into your home life with regards to your children and your husband. I am talking about a generation ago when I was a child, not the effect having a father in the forces have on children these days.

I expect most of us as parents try to do the best for our children (obviously, unfortunately, there are always bad parents out there) and I am sure that if mine seriously thought that my dad being away would have had any effect on me now I'm in my 40's they would never have done it. I hope that most parents wouldn't knowingly try and damage their children emotionally.

And that is why I'm asking the question is it my experience or a general - uncommented upon - one.

I do hope IamInvisible that you saying I am talking absolute rubbish doesn't come home and bite you on the bum in 20 years time but you might not know if it had, afterall I'm talking on the internet about it and not at home with my parents - they would be devastated about how I feel, as they only ever did what they thought was best for me.

I'm a similar age to yourself and I see where you are coming from. I think I can appear stand offish as I'm very self reliant. I don't cry very often or fuss when I'm ill and can get quite impatient with those that do
I'm very used to my own company and quite good at meeting new people but less good at long term friendships.
My df was absent emotionally and very career orientated and dm was miserable so we literally were parented by neglect - I was a c cup before my dsis suggested to my parents that they might wish to buy me a bra! They didn't speak to me much - they wouldn't have known who my friends were or what I got in my spelling test for example.

Despite this I actually loved being a raf brat and it was not the worst childhood by far. I'm close to my parents and love them dearly. I do things very differently with my children though.

I think these things were really to do with who my parents were rather than the forces aspect. On the plus side I am very calm by nature which has been a blessing with my ds who has autism - my dsis is very much the opposite and I think she'd have had a coronary if he was hers

Hi hopping yes I was always considered a snob, perhaps not so much now, and I seem to be hopeless with long term friendships.

I also quite enjoyed my childhood and do love my parents and am very close to them, that's perhaps why I can't talk to them about the way I feel about dads choice of a job and what effect it has on me.

Its quite reassuring in a way that other people have some of the same feelings :)