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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

strange behaviour from dcs older sibling when they stay at their dad's

47 replies

thatsundayfeeling · 01/12/2013 14:46

Don't know what, if anything, I could or should do. 2 dcs are primary school age, one has sn (asd), one boy and one girl.
They have regular contact with their dad, and stay overnight there. He has 2 older children, both boys, one is at 6th form, the other is 19 and works.

Been hearing lots of things about him I'm not happy about. He constantly lies to dd, things about her. He told her their dad had fallen into the car engine- she thought he was dead! He told her she stank and they were taking her back to the shop to buy a new her because she was so stinky.

Now found out he looked up 'poo shop' on the internet and showed the images to ds (who has asd).

I just feel really uncomfortable. I lived with their father for years, and there is something about this older brother, and they way he talks to the dcs, that I really don't like. The other brother is fine, I have no issues with him. Something that I can't really explain. Not sure how bad those examples to look to a stranger reading this, or how I would feel if someone else had said them. My instinct is I don't want him on his own with the dcs, but I have no way of enforcing this.

Any advice on what how to protect the dcs from someone when you're not there?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 01/12/2013 15:38

The advantage of him being 19 is that hopefully soon he'll get a girlfriend and find better things to do with himself. Hopefully he will leave home, too.

Did he used to live with you or with his mother? If his mum, why doesn't he live there now?

Original poster

thatsundayfeeling · 01/12/2013 15:40

Hes 19 and he gets his kicks from nasty teasing of his little 5 year old sister. !
If nothing else it's unpleasant and nasty bullying of a child by an adult who should know better.

Thanks. Those are the kind of things I need to hear, as I need to try and make ex understand in black and white terms what's wrong with what's happening.

I think they would be upset and disappointed. Overall they have a nice time there and a good relationship with their dad.

OP posts:

Original poster

thatsundayfeeling · 01/12/2013 15:42

Mainly with his mum but always spent a lot of time at his dads. Think he still goes between the 2. I don't predict a girlfriend anytime soon tbh. There is some spectulation that he prefers boys actually, but either way it's not likely soon.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 01/12/2013 15:43

Maybe that's the way to play it then. "They love coming to see you and have a good time with you and Younger Brother but Older Brother upsets them and they don't like being with him on their own. Can you make sure you keep them with you, otherwise I'm worried they won't want to come over at all?"

TheArticFunky · 01/12/2013 15:48

I suppose it depends on the context it was said in and the tone. I was the youngest sibling and my
my older siblings were teenagers. This kind of banter was normal in my family I didn't consider it bullying, it was teasing that sometimes got on my nerves.

Original poster

thatsundayfeeling · 01/12/2013 15:50

Yes, that's what I'm worried about, that's how ex will see it.

But dd believes him, it upsets her.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 01/12/2013 16:03

I think if you know that your siblings love you, then you can cope with teasing. If you know that deep down they don't, that's when it's hard to deal with.

Original poster

thatsundayfeeling · 01/12/2013 19:24

Thanks for all your input imperial. I'm waiting. to see how ex deals with it now. If I'm still not happy I will have to think about what next.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 01/12/2013 23:17

You're welcome. You're in such a difficult situation. I hope the fact he's 19 and will soon be more independent will help resolve the problem.

scallopsrgreat · 01/12/2013 23:47

I don't think you should dismiss her feelings. They are valid. If she is getting upset about it then it isn't 'banter', it is teasing/bullying. It sounds horrible for her. I really do think that you need to take this seriously (not that you aren't). If your ex isn't prepared to protect her from him and take it seriously then limiting contact as ImperialBlether says is the way to go.

Original poster

thatsundayfeeling · 02/12/2013 06:20

What about parental responsibility? If he refuses to give up overnights he is perfectly within his rights. I would need to take this further I suppose, but I don't think it's serious enough that it would be taken seriously. Any ideas what the next move would be?

OP posts:

Original poster

thatsundayfeeling · 02/12/2013 06:25

OP posts:

Hissy · 02/12/2013 07:36

You left HIM due to emotional abuse right?

They are his boys, right?

Have you ever heard about apples not falling far from their tree?

He thinks it's normal because he bullied you so badly that you LEFT him.

Did you seriously think that he wouldn't abuse, or allow others to abuse your children?

How could he not? That's what he is, he doesn't know any better.

These are your kids, they are very young, and totally unprepared to stand up to dysfunctional adults.

Leave them in this situation, they'll think it's normal to be treated like this, or behave like this towards women.

Your dd may go on to have a DV relationship (like you did) and your ds may grow up to either experience the same or perpetrate it. Just like his big brother. He'll bully your dd fisrt though.

This 19yo is an adult, and he is bullying a 5yo. He is being left unsupervised with her.

Her dad 'doesn't see the problem'

You need to step up, and make some noise. Fuck the 19yo and it 'not going down well' that'll make him retaliate next time and threaten her to keep quiet.

Overnights stop, and he can come and see them away from the bullying 19yo.

Any normal father would be furious about his baby girl being upset like this. He thinks it's funny.

Why on earth do you expect him to be any different to how he was with you? Why do you think he's magically become a good person, good enough to have your little ones?

He was too toxic for you, why would he be any better for anyone else?

Before you say, he's a good dad. He's not. Never was, and never will be.

Get angry! These are you children here!

ImperialBlether · 02/12/2013 20:13

Exactly what Hissy said. Word for word.

Original poster

thatsundayfeeling · 02/12/2013 20:26

But it doesn't work like that does it? He has parental responsibility too. Legally I cannot prevent overnights.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 02/12/2013 21:39

You need some legal advice. Could you post in the Legal section? Does parental responsibility involve compulsory overnights? If one of the parents change, for whatever reason, can parental responsibility be rescinded?

Hissy · 02/12/2013 22:13

Of course you can! This is by consent! You need to protect your babies fgs!

He's allowing your dd to be bullied.

You don't have to allow that!

PR doesn't mean you have no say in what happens to your children! It doesn't absolve you of YOUR responsibility for them!

Hissy · 02/12/2013 22:16

If you are court ordered for contact, then you must challenge it, in the light of what you know is happening.

Otherwise, I fear you've been told a barrel full of shite about what PR actually is!

www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/what-is-parental-responsibility

Original poster

thatsundayfeeling · 03/12/2013 13:04

Useful definitions on that link, thankyou.

I am very angry. I'm also in a vulnerable situation, my only 'support' is from the dcs father, and my only respite. So I need to be very sure about what I'm doing, I'm not in a position to go rushing in and do/say something I regret later.

I've fought so many battles the last few years, so please don't think I would leave my kids to fend for themselves just for an easy life!

OP posts:

Hissy · 03/12/2013 13:11

your only support is someone who abused you?

with all the love in the world, WTF are you thinking? (((hug)))

You are ALWAYS in a position to do better than hand your kids over to someone that will allow them to be hurt.

You really do need to look at other areas of support. I have no-one in the world. DS dad is thousands of miles away (thankfully) and was useless anyway. Parents/Family are dysfunctional and frankly toxic.

do you have issues that mean that you need more than a break? Could you get a babysitter once in a while? or a childcare swap with another mum, or invite a friend over and chuck loads of cushions on the floor for the kids and have a big sleepover?

You have to wean yourself off this man and his 'support' as it comes as too high a price.

Original poster

thatsundayfeeling · 03/12/2013 13:23

I know you mean well, but there isn't anyone. NC with family. Have tried to arrange things with friends but everyone busy with their own family (as they should be really).

I'm doing the best I can, and making changes as quickly as I can, but I can't 'force' people to be there for me and the kids

OP posts:

Hissy · 03/12/2013 15:12

I'm NC too, it sucks!

I only have the one DC though. He's older than yours. It does get easier.

Do you need special help in anything? or do you mean you need a bit of a break?

Could you ask your HV for support/advice on respite or things to do/places to go to get help?

Open up, trust the HV/support services and ask for help, let others help you.
You will find that actually people who are strangers are nicer than our relatives, and are only to happy to give you a hand if you are struggling.

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