Am I the controlling party here?

[sofahogger]

After reading loads of threads on here I don't know whether I am controlling or have a right to be upset?
Me and dp have been together for 18months, I have got 2 dcs he has 1. He split up from ex nearly 3 yrs ago and she went back to her home country with the dc. He's a good dad and goes over every other week to see dc and she comes over here in school holidays.
The thing that has started to bother me is that his ex is constantly around when he's over there and planning stuff for them to do as a 'family'. She then gets upset with him if he wants to do other stuff with dc and he then panders to her.
Basically my fear is she's trying to get her claws in, showing him how much fun they can have as a family and they should try again.
Writing the last paragraph I try to reason with myself that this wont happen as if he wanted to get with her he would have long done it. It just me being paranoid and due to previous experience of cheating and dishonesty (not him) its always in the back if my mind and I can't relax when he's over there.
He's great otherwise a total turn around from my previous relationships. He's kind, thoughtful, caring, fantastic with kids and most of all he accepts me the way I am.
I have met his family and dc so I'm not a hidden secret if anyone thinks that.
I don't even know how this arrangement can be altered, he sleeps on exs sofa whilst there so can't really tell her to bugger off. He can't afford a hotel as just the travelling there takes a huge chunk out of his wages. I w

Grr on phone.
What I was going to say was that I would never stop him seeing his daughter because I'm jealous he then spends time with ex.
How can I cope with it. I know it's my insecurities and anxiety causing this.
He never has given me any doubt and we are in contact whilst he is there.

Tricky one OP. I think you have to ask yourself if you see a future with this man?

If you were married and had your own DC, how would you feel about him spending a "huge chunk" of family money on seeing his DD every other week? How would this affect your family and any DC you shared?

Personally I would not like to be in this situation so I would not have got involved with him in the first place. Obviously you have, so only you know if you can tolerate it long term. If not, maybe time to walk?

Thanks for reply. It is very unlikely we will have a dc of our own because I developed a chronic condition which crippled my ovaries.
I very much see a future with him and I'm hoping once dc can fly on her own she'll come over here instead.
We're not living together yet and can't see each other as much as we like due to work commitments so my line of thinking is that when we do live together we see each other everyday so might be glad for the break?
I'm mid 30s and I don't think there are many men out there my age who tick all the boxes (like he does) without baggage.

I couldn't do it I'm afraid. Even if you don't have kids but get married or just live together he'll be using up a lot of money seeing his child and a lot of family time too. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my husband sleeping on his ex's sofa however innocent it is. What if he decides that he wants to live nearer his child, would you be prepared to move all your family over there. So many things in an already tricky situation and believe me I know about step families because I am right slap bang in the middle of one and it's bloody hard work. To be fair if I knew how hard it would be I probably wouldn't do it again however much I love my husband.

No, you are not controlling anything at all here. But also, imho, you don't have grounds to be upset either.

You are in a dating relationship, even if exclusive... this does not give you rights to all of his time 24/7 iyswim. If you were living together, there may be a raised expectation of participation on the homefront, chores, childcare, etc. But he would still want to nurture his relationship with his child, and again imho, I do not see how you would figure into telling him rules for his relationship with his child. (That kind of sounded harsh, and I did not mean for it to, sorry.)

This is a circumstance, baggage, that comes with this fellow. It does sound like he spends a lot of time in the presence of his ex. I would not feel comfortable with that either, especially sleeping over. He can talk all day long about convience and trust and cost and on and on, but the action speaks volumes.

No, he does not tick all the boxes or you would not have this cloud of doubt hanging over his choices. I would approach this relationship as a casual affair and not get dependent on him in any way, if you like being in a relationship but do not necessarily need or want a man underfoot. He may still be emotionally invested in his ex, despite the volumes of scripts men have at hand to convince otherwise. If that is the case then you are like an affair on the side, just not technically the OW as he is divorced...but perhaps you are beginning to feel the dynamic is the same.

If so, then it might be time to think about calling time and become available for someone without such consuming circumstances regarding dc from previous relationships. What does it boil down to? If you are not happy, then you are not happy. Please do not ignore that.