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Menopause severely affecting my relationship - please help :-(

10 replies

Beadycrafts · 01/12/2013 07:36

Sorry, I wasn't sure whether to post this in health or here. I hope here is ok.

A bit of bk story; together 26 years, grown up DC's. DH and I get on very well, best friends, we can talk about things, although admittedly he doesn't always understand my concerns. He's very much of the 'it's ok don't fuss woman' ilk.

We've always had a good intimate relationship, regular sex and no complaints. For the past 6 months my periods have been all over the place, spoke to GP, had blood tests, confirmed perimenopause. I've had the usual crappy symptoms; feeling tired, hot flushes, aching etc etc but my libido as nose dived to nothing. I don't mean to sound melodramatic but it's really affecting me badly. I don't feel like a real woman anymore, I feel useless and surplus to requirements :-(

DH is not making it a problem, he's not said anything about it tbh. It's got that bad that I'm avoiding going up to bed at the same time as him now and waiting till he's sleeping before going up, going up before him and pretending to be a sleep or sleeping on the sofa. I know this is not the answer but I feel so totally shit. When I first started feeling like this I cried and told him how sorry I was about how I was feeling and that i was sure it would soon pass, he just smiled and said 'don't worry I've got my hand'. I know he was trying to make me feel like it wasn't an issue but it hurt, stupid of me to feel hurt about that I know!

I don't know what to do, I'm scared the way I feel is going to destroy my marriage, push him into the arms of another, god knows! I feel empty and unsexy. Please please can anyone offer me any advice, I'm at my wits end.

P.S. My GP said not to worry, this happens a lot, my libido may or may not come back but if my DH loves me he'll understand!! ........ Will he though? :-(

OP posts:
higgle · 01/12/2013 08:05

HRT has worked very well for me, my symptoms affected my work life more than life at home and I was quite determined I would not put up with them. Why not give it a go?

Beadycrafts · 01/12/2013 08:11

Thank you higgle. Sadly GP told me HRT is unsuitable for me due to medical history.

OP posts:
WorrySighWorrySigh · 01/12/2013 08:17

I'm similar age and your post chimed with me.

All I can suggest is to talk with your DH. Find a time when you can talk without interruption.

You have a long and happy marriage and I am sure that what has got you through difficult times in the past is keeping the communication going. This is another of those times.

Dont lose the physical closeness with your DH. He sounds like a good man. He will understand if you explain but at the same time he isnt a mind-reader. An awful lot of men dont really know about menopause. Time to educate him and yourself I think.

BelaLugosisShed · 01/12/2013 11:41

Fluoxetine has been my saviour, it's used to great effect for severe PMT and my GP suggested I try it as breast cancer history in my family means HRT is unsuitable, it transformed me within a month, I'm only on a low dose but the effects have been miraculous, my hot sweats are virtually gone, no more feelings of rising panic and chronic insecurity bordering on paranoia. My libido is just fine too, if sex can be uncomfortable, lube is your friend.
It's worth a shot.

BelaLugosisShed · 01/12/2013 11:44

Just to add, I've been married for 29 years and DH thought I was having a nervous breakdown in the months before I saw my GP, my hormone levels were 18, normal is 11, post meno is 25 .

Roshbegosh · 01/12/2013 11:48

Try flashfighters from holland and Barrett online. I found them very helpful but HRT was what gave me a good night's sleep back. Sorry you can't have it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/12/2013 12:30

You might not feel enthusiastic about sex but what I think is important when going through these kind of patches is to make sure your partner knows you still feel affectionate towards them. It sounds as though he's an understanding person & you're open with him about the changes, so you can be affectionate with each other without expectations that it'll necessarily end up as sex. No pressure, no anxiety and I'm sure 'this too will plass'

WorrySighWorrySigh · 01/12/2013 13:00

I think something to remember is that things arent going to go back to normal. You are both moving forward to a new normal. It isnt called the change for nothing.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/12/2013 13:04

Not back to normal? Shock I've just exited a few months of menopausal symptoms myself and am fully expecting to get back to normal.... so I hope you're wrong. It may be known as the change but I'll be damned if I'm going to morph into some complete other person that I neither recognise nor like.

annhathaway · 01/12/2013 13:21

Beady you might like to hop over to the meno forum here but...
might be worth asking your GP for a referral to a meno clinic or at least another opinion on HRT. The only real no-no is if a first degree relative had breast cancer during their 40ss/ early 50s, or you suffer from severe problems with your liver, heart or have had recent breast cancer.
MANY GPs are clueless about HRT- believe me because I see a consultant gynae who's a meno expert and what he tells me is completely different a lot of the time to what my friends are told by their GPs. If you want to PM me please do.

Sadly the symptoms of meno can last for 10 years so you need some help.

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