How can I make him see things from my point of view?

[30SecondsToVenus]

Background - been with dp for 3.5 years now. I have a 4 yo dd from a previous relationship and a 5 month old dd with dp.

He works all week 7-5 and im at home with the dds at the moment. As soon as he comes in from work he is straight upstairs and into bed to lie playing on his phone/laptop. He will stay up there for a couple of hours, get his dinner then head straight out to the pub or to a friends house. This is at least 4 nights a week including weekends. The nights that he stays in he just spends them in bed upstairs while im downstairs dealing with the kids. He does absolutely nothing at all to help me look after them. He rarely feeds dd2 (bottle fed) saying shes too small and hes uncomfortable holding her. He has changed her nappy once this week and thats because i begged him to do it so i could eat my dinner. He does no housework and wont look after the kids meaning i have them all the time.

I am on my own every day and every night and its starting to upset me. I am so bored and fed up. DD2 will not settle with anybody. As soon as I leave her she starts screaming so nobody will babysit for me. I have no close friends and I can go for days without receiving a text or a phone call. My family live 30 miles away and they are really busy so I dont hear from them much.

How can I make dp see how im feeling? I have tried countless times to explain why I need his help and why I need a break but he just doesnt get it and it causes an argument every time. He just doesnt understand how demanding it is looking after 2 small children all day by myself. I look at the same 4 walls all the time and just feel worthless. Ive put on a lot of weight and feel disgusting.

Im so close to packing a bag and leaving for a week by myself just he can see what its like having both kids alone all day and night but I know he wouldnt cope and id be worried about the kids.

He really needs to take responsibility but he just wont and im not sure how to make him.

Its awful and I wish he would open his eyes to see how upset I am

wow this was me 7 years ago. It went on like that for years until i chucked him out and he changed his ways. My dp did it every night though.

I just read this out to my DP and asked what he thought, from a guys perspective. He said your DP doesn't sound interested at all, and you should get rid of him, either that or be more forceful with and make some demands from him. Kind of on the same lines I was thinking.

That's really difficult, because just walking out and leaving him to it even for an evening sounds hugely risky - it sounds like he would try to cut corners massively and your 5 month old is too young.

Ok, does he have parents? Are they nearer? Could you go and cry on their shoulders? They might have ideas, or start giving you some help. Otherwise I would just take the kids and go and stay with your family for a week - even if you're not close, they're still your family and when the chips are down, maybe they will want to help?

Your relationship does not sound good at all. Is he still in love with you?? Just seems weird that he doesn't want to spend any time with you.

Thanks for replying.

I will need to have a chat with him tomorrow and tell him what I expect from him I think

Time to have the "if you want to be a bachelor you can do but you need to do fuck off and do it elsewhere. And if you want to be part of this family with me I need you to XYZ".

It sounds like hell OP. He has completely disengaged from you all.

You sound awfully sad in your post OP, it must be so frustrating and belittling too that your dp treats you this way and doesn't see/hear your needs. He isn't being a dp as far as I can see, you seem to be doing everything alone. Some men are very scared with new babies, my DH was fab with our DC & our GC but he was terrified of holding them when they were first born and for a couple of weeks after. He said their heads where too wobbly. Ours were Bf but he did do nappy changes frequently and help around the house, shopping, cooking etc.

Personally, I would write dp a letter explaining everything you feel and ask him to read it. What reaction you get from your letter may be the turning point you need.
I don't know how your dp was before LO came along, has he changed since the new baby? Was he like this with DC from your previous relationship or did he help/support you?

You are obviously going to feel down, unattractive, unimportant etc when someone constantly makes you feel this way. But you absolutely mustn't. You are NOT worthless by any stretch of the imagination, you are doing an amazing job and holding it together for your DC.

Sorry to sound mean but your dp is the worthless one here, he's doing nothing to help you and contributing to your low self esteem.

In the meantime, is there any mums groups, baby & toddler groups etc nearby that you could go to? It may help you meet other parents who could be feeling the same way as you and need a friend. Sorry it's been a while since my DC where little so not sure what's available anymore.

I know gaining weight in pregnancy and struggling to lose it can feel like hell. Honestly, I've been there. Do you generally eat healthy or do you find yourself eating out of boredom or for comfort? I'm the type of person who goes all day without eating and eat a large meal late in the evening, feel like I've barely eaten anything so snack on biscuits/chocolate :( not healthy or encouraged. I've found a website online where you can do distance training & diplomas. I've just started one on diet and nutrition, there's loads to chose from, they're all free and you can do them at your own time & pace. I'm not sure I can put links on here but if you would like info drop me a message.

What you do about dp is really up to you, it's not my place to say leave/kick him out/put up with it etc. although I really wouldn't encourage anyone to put up with shit :-/ we really do only get one shot at life so what we do with it is our business. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Can you accept your life as it is? You need to ask yourself lots of questions and answer them honestly. YOU can not change your dp, only he can decide to make changes. You can change what YOU do about it.

Good luck xx

Of course he can see things from your point of view. He's got eyes and ears. You've told him often enough. He's therefore choosing to ignore you because it gets him what he wants i.e. doing his own sweet thing lazing about rather than pulling his weight. 'Why bark when you have a dog?' right? A passive aggressive bag-packing stunt will have no effect

So when you have a chat, make it a very forceful chat. He steps up to the plate, starts showing some consideration or it'll be his bag that gets packed.... Good luck

Agree with cog. He knows what he's doing. He must see you struggling. Ffs, he needed asking to change a nappy so you could eat your dinner?? He is acting like he's not part of the family. If that's the way he wants it, he should go and do it under another roof.

I agree with the poster upthread who suggested toddler groups etc. they were my saviour this time last year. You get to see done friendly faces and help to pass the day. You also have some adult conversation, which you're not getting at home at the mo.

So sorry you're going through this. It's miserable I know. You'll feel better when you take control of the situation- you cannot keep allowing him to behave like this. If he won't change you need to show him you're serious about needing him to step up- ask him to leave until he'll become engaged with family life again. You can't live like this.

stillcryinginside lovely post and I totally agree with you. I would love information on these courses

Sent you a message millyrules xx

Thank you still

still