The short version is my DH crossed a line with a female friend into what I and others i have spoken to about it would say is an EA. This included staying up late specifically to talk to her putting is own health at risk and arguable the safety of our children due to a medical condition he has, also putting her needs above family needs, messaging her when we were supposed to be spending time together just the 2 of us etc When i initially spoke to him about it he denied that it was inappropriate and turned the conversation into a huge argument. Several days later he apologized, agreed it was crossing a line, only to do it again which caused another big row. A few days later he appologised again (by this point i was really beginning to doubt myself as to whether it was ok or not) and things improved for a while. Then the weekend just past she came to stay with us for a few days, all was fine at first. Then one night when we were going to watch a film together i was feeling ill so went to bed early. I wasn't that bothered about the film so said for them to go ahead and watch it without me. My DH had been complaining all day about how exhausted he was and the film wasn't going to finish until midnight, yet it was nearly 3am before he came to bed because 'he had got a second wind'. Then the next day i am still in bed because i'm feeling ill, because the friend is tired in the morning he sends her into our room and tells her it's fine to get into bed with me so she can sleep. Normally i'm not bothered about bed sharing when the occasion needs it but not when i'm ill and just want some space and to be left alone.
I told him i was hurt that yet again he had stayed up really late chatting to her (to put this into context he doesn't really talk to me about anything really because 'he isn't good at conversation'.) And also because he let her into our bed without checking it with me first and i, especially when i was unwell. He has turned it into a huge argument again saying he has done nothing wrong and that i am just trying to stop him spending time with his friends. He refuses to appologise for hurting my feelings or even admit that he is doing anything wrong in this situation.
I need some outside input to know if i am being overbearing or actually justified in feeling the way i do as i feel so mixed up about it i don't know if i am coming or going. Also how do i deal with it if IANBU, he can't or wont see anything wrong in his actions and it makes me feel like i can't really trust him.