Invited to niece's school play - sister made us pay to attend - how to deal?

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My sister ( married - 1 kid in private school - she and husband don't really work - live off some investments n live frugally) invited my mum down ( 6 hour trip) for the weekend to watch my niece ( her only granddaughter) at a school event.

My mum - 70's reasonably well off but my dad's in a nursing home n she is selling things off and downsizing as a result.

Me - partner but no kids sadly, both work full time in reasonably well paid jobs. We're not high life but do spend on clothes, holidays, meals out with friends etc.

Both my Mum n I give niece/ granddaughter nice birthday n Xmas gifts. Sister tends to ask for a specific and substantial item ( fine).

At event, sis pipes us she has taken a tenner off my mum for 'our' 2 tickets n that I owe my mum a fiver. I am shocked but try to repay my mum who refuses. I pay for some drinks to contribute.

Next morning I tell my sister it is wrong, ridiculous n mean spirited to invite us n most particularly our mum to event n not cover cost of the tickets when they are so cheap (n point out cost of my dad's nursing home fees). She doesn't apologise or repay mum.

BTW It is my sisters birthday next week n my mum will be giving her a generous cheque (she always does).

My mum knows my view n that i I spoke to my sister re tickets. Do I speak to sister further or leave her be as a lost cause.

folks i had no idea these kind of things are 'pay for' events . am a non parent. truly i don't ever remember stuff like that from my school days being a fundraiser (that was a while ago, admittedly).

as one responder realised this is at heart about my difficult relationship with my sister. I am close to my mum and her life and we discuss her worries (about my dad and growing old generally) but I see my sister rarely and we talk infrequently too.

I am very defensive of my mum and adore my niece but my sister and i are so different we just clash.

looks like its a 50/50 here with my poles apart sister and me. i must try and find a way to improve our relationship.

YANBU (even though you have graciously admitted you were ). She shouldn't have asked. I know you don't care about the fiver.

I would just be wary of your sister and accept that she can behave like this.

I wouldn't speak to her about it.

Just out of interest, you mentioned your sis's very specific gift suggestion(s) on behalf of your DNs. Do you get a carefully chosen gift from her given that she doesn't have DNs through whom to reciprocate? I may be over-interpreting this but I'm getting a whiff of 'entitllement' around her from your postings...

Gosh, I could never imagine asking family to come watch my children, and ask for money for the tickets. Yanbu. But it is not worth falling out over it.

It's the fact it's only £5 that makes it worth arguing about, isn't it? Her mother has to travel several hours for this at a huge cost both emotionally and financially. Her daughter then insists on her paying back the cost of admission to the children's show? That is just plain mean.

I have invited my mum and her sister to an event my ds is performing in.

I will pay for them. They will insist they reimburse. No idea what will happen in the end but the one who doesn't pay will probably buy the after show tea/drinks.

I have so many people wanting to come to my children's school events that there's no way I could afford to pay for everyone who does come. No one has ever assumed that I am paying either.

You either don't have many people to invite or can afford more than I could.

That would definitely be mean then! How about if you had at least 7 people at £5 a head? I know it's not the OP's situation but it would be mine. I normally manage to sneak the younger kids in (the DH is nuts over my babies so I distract him with baby )

Our school is so tiny that the first time I took Mum to an assembly she asked if it was just the infants or if the juniors were coming too. They could fit everyone's parents quite easily into the school hall and still look tiny. The one church assembly they had to have the school choir sit with their classes because otherwise the church would have looked empty! I didn't think you got such tiny schools in a big city lol

YSISTA. (your sister is a tight arse)

Waiting on your Xmas thread OP.

We have to pay for tickets for our school production. I have invited a couple of relatives. It never crossed my mind to ask for the cash. She sounds tight.

It sounds as though your sister is quite hard up; if your mother isn't bothered about paying, why would you be?

I think you are jealous because she has a child and you don't, which is sad.

I can't say if YABU, all families and their expectations are different. Personally, if I invite family members to something it's a given that I'm paying (as far as I'm concerned). We always get the same 'oh no you're not mrs' speeches and family members trying to thrust money at me but I'm adamant. Others tend to buy the drinks so it's swings and roundabouts to me. I never expect anyone to pay for me .... but that's just the way I am.

If we've all arranged a family thing together then we all put too or pay for our own.

The problem is that no one was clear from the outset as to who was paying what.

I think its pretty mean to get your Mum to pay though.

Sounds like your sister isn't as financially comfortable as portrayed.

I think YANBU actually.

People don't seem to realise that coming to see a DC in a school show is an ordeal, done to make the DC feel good about themselves and know that their relatives are showing an interest in them.

I would LOVE my Mum to come and see one of my DCs in one of their little school plays. No chance . . . but if I ever did get her to agree to come, would I expect her to PAY for it? No, of course not. Because she would be doing me a favour by coming.

Your sister is a total tight-arse. You do not ask other people - even family - to fork out to attend your kids' performances. You just don't do it.

It's blindingly obvious that there's way more to this than the fiver it cost you to go to your niece's school play. So on that basis, YANBU to be massively annoyed.

You were upset on your mum's part.

But there was no mention of her being upset.

Sauvigon- this is not about a simple fiver its about the thoughtlessness behind it, the expectation and the piss take, the amount does not matter. The Dsis will happiply accept large sums of mother while knowing her father is in a home and her mother is downsizing/selling items to pay for it!

OP if it helps think of it as a contribution to the school your DN attends. Yes I agree your DS was out of order. Is DSis normally like this or a one off? I think the answer to this would give you your answer.

I have paid for my own ticket to go and see friends performing in plays & support them. Friends and family have also paid to come and see me. It is accepted to pay for your own tickets as adults so why should it be any different because it's a child?

It's part of being happy to support the person by going to the event and paying for the ticket to cover costs etc. A lot of work will have gone into rehearsals, costumes etc., and I think it's sad to begrudge buying a ticket for the performance. Your poor niece will probably be so excited and thrilled that you are all coming to see her and here you are arguing over a fiver which you can well afford!

When I saw the title I thought the tickets were going to be about 50 quid or something - get some perspective - there's just been a disastrous helicopter crash in Glasgow and many people would happily pay thousands to see their loved ones again.

PS - I think the fact that your Dsis is happily taking expensive presents & money off your Mum who has heavy financial obligations is the real issue that you are annoyed but your Mum needs to put her foot down. Your Dsis lives frugally so she should be quite understanding of others who also feel the need to do the same. Leave your lovely niece out of it.