Just had worst night for a long time, had a huge row with dh (D with much sarcasm) it started so stupidly when one of my cats jumped on the kitchen surface, dh went mad, he hates the cats & stormed "its me or them", as i was furious with his over reaction i told him I'd leave with the cats and the kids. This led to a huge discussion about our relationship which has not been great for a while if I'm honest. He told me he thinks I am only staying with him for financial security (fnar), and that I don't love him any more. He also told me that he doesn't love me and he is only staying because he is scared I won't let him see the children if we split, he says I am spiteful and malicious enough to do this!!!! how can I stay with someone who thinks that about me, the crazy thing is that I am absolutely passionate that women should not use their children as a weapon in divorce, I would never ever ever in a million years do that to him or my children even if we split up in the most acrimonious circumstances.
He also believes I think he doen't love the children, he is wrong but I admit I due have doubts/issues about this. we married when I fell pg with ds unexpectedly & his first reation to my pregnancy was panic & "we'll have to get rid of it", although that soon passed. I know he loves our children but when DS was born its as if he suffered from some kind of pnd, I could barely get him to hold the baby. It has taken most of DS's life for them to really connect and sometimes dh makes me really mad when he gets in from work at 7pm and doesn't talk to ds because he is watching the f***g "Simpsons" He is a bit better with dd (13 wks) although he has never bathed her and is so intolerant of her that it really upsets me, especially as she is the worlds most placid baby I must admit that deep down in my heart i still believe that he resents me and the kids for taking over his life, until we all came along he was living at home, getting all his meals cooked & washing done and spending half his time playing computer games & watching dvds. Actually , he is still doing most of those things!
I know I am probably wrong about the above but sometimes he is so surly towards me, I can barely get a conversation out of him at nights and although I know he is tired from work I just wish that he would acknowledge that being at home with a baby & toddler is tiring too and sometimes lonely. I look forward to him coming home then he eats his tea in silence and buggers off in here to play "championship manager" I then sit on my own & brood & consequently am in no mood for anything when I go to bed.
I am beginning to think this whole marriage disaster is my fault, I think am so paranoid that I pushed him into family life that i am destroying his confidence and his relationship with the kids. I know he believes I got pregnant on purpose & just settled for him because I wanted kids- so did not! When I married him I loved him so much, when I fell pg with dd we were happy, everything seems to have fallen apart recently. oh god, need to sleep but can't face being in same bed, would sleep on sofa but for baby in our room. Can I get up in the morning and get on with it as if nothing has happened?