Bereavement + parent dating

[MurderOfGoths]

Need some advice, my mum died last year (lung cancer, very rapid), 2 weeks before DS was born. DS would have been her first grandchild.

6 months after mum died my dad met his new girlfriend.

Now I have no problem with dad dating again, if it helps him then that's great. There were some problems at the time as he was very keen on me and my brother accepting her as one of the family, very pushy about it. Couldn't seem to accept that we were handling our grief in a different way to him, and I felt like dad was pushing the new gf in to being DS's grandmother - which is obviously a sore point when my mum never got to meet him.

Things were bad last xmas (first xmas with DS and without mum) as neither me or my brother wanted the gf there on xmas day. Ended up compromising by us visiting dad on xmas eve (without her there) and he spent xmas day with her.

Anyway, things started to improve, I was feeling happier with spending time around her. It got easier. Then went downhill again, turns out I don't like her much. I find her quite hard work and there were a few reasons why she didn't seem to be doing dad much good.

All came to a head about a month ago, DS has an egg allergy and she tried to feed him something without checking it was egg free first. Now she knew about his allergy, but had evidently decided we were just being faddy about it. (Have since spoken to her and discovered she thinks we'd gone to one of those places where you end up with a list of "allergies" that actually aren't). DH pulled her up on it and pointed out that she was putting DS's health at risk.

She spent the rest of the day sulking and moaning to dad about us being mean to her.

Then later on that day (once we'd gone) she told dad that he should remove all traces of mum from the house and move on. So dad ended it. She also had a go at him because he'd taken photos of DS cuddling my aunt (mum's sister) and one of my cousins, but not her. DS had gone to them because he knows and likes them, he hadn't gone to her (probably because she was sulking). But dad was apparently meant to take DS to her.

Have to say I was relieved they'd split, and also quite angry at her wanting all signs of mum removed from the house and expecting DS to be handed to her.

Then a few days later dad got back with her.

Now apparently they are happier together than they were before.

Which is not exactly what I wanted to hear tbh. Horrible as it is, I really wish they weren't together.

Problem is now that dad expects her to be at all family gatherings, and I'm a little uncomfortable with that. I know I can't expect him to hide her away, and wouldn't expect that. But we're now coming across situations like;

• DH's birthday (where he'd obviously rather only have friends/family),
• Xmas (which is a hard time anyway)
• DS's birthday
• my 30th birthday
• the birth of my second child

All quite big/significant events where ideally I wouldn't want anyone I don't actually like to be there. I know I need to compromise, but I also know that it's going to be hard to reach a compromise. My dad can be quick to take offence and finds it hard to see others point of view.

I think I was hoping before that this would be shortlived and dad would move on from her, but it's not looking so likely now.

I just need advice/reassurance really. How on earth do I handle this? I don't want to hurt dad, but I also know I have a tendency to put others needs ahead of my own and have ended up making my mental health quite bad recently due to it. I need a way to deal with this if he ends up with her long term.

He got a Facebook account and asked my sister and I to be friends. I dreaded accepting him on FB but did so anyway. Frankly I felt that he had just found another platform to make an arse of himself on. He made inappropriate remarks about a photo his half-sister which I told him via a PM that whilst I didn't know the 'jokey' nature of their relationship, I didn't want to see it.

He also invited me to 'like' a dating website that he had joined. So, I sent him another PM saying I respect his right to a social life but please don't ask me to 'like' things like this.

He sort-of apologised for the 'jokey' remarks about his half-sister and also said he didn't realise everyone could see his comments about things so he's finished with FB. Unfriended me more like as I can still see a little green light next to his name as being 'on chat' with all my other FB people.

That'd be my main issue too Goths-it's more to do with how she treats you and yours that's completely out of order.

Doesn't matter if they've been dating for months or years, whatever-the way she undermined you as a parent, put your son's health at risk, and acted like a petulant child on a number of occasions is wrong. And with no offence to your dad, you can't just let that go because he wants you to do so.

I realize I'm coming at this from the child's point of view, but it seems very unfair that you haven't had time to grieve in your own time. I think you're owed that and shouldn't have to feel guilty about it.

Op , given all you have been through itu giving birth 2 weeks after you dms death I think you have a right to hit the stop button.
If you are not ready to have this new woman at every event then that is how it should be. It's very gracious of you to understand your df moving on so fast. But that doesn't mean to say your own feelings come second. They don't. I lost my mum to lung cancer in may, my ds2 was 16 weeks so she had the chance to meet him but I do understand how hard you must be finding things. For me I have lost my confidante and friend as well as mother and children's grandmother.
I think it's up to your dad to recognise that he should be respecting your feelings abt your mum and this woman as you have tried to do with his. It is a 2 way street and not for you to make all the emotional compromise. If he doesn't understand this and it was affecting me greatly I would do as you have and take a step back and focus only in your contact with him alone.
A very sad difficult situation for you so sending some unmnetty hugs.

Oh ghetto that sounds horrific :(

thanshesaid I had previous concerns about her trying to play at being grandma to my DS, so the sulk about not getting her photo taken with him hasn't exactly eased my concerns. She does have her own kids, though no grandchildren.

mummybeerest It is hard to have been told all this stuff by dad about what she's said and done and then be expected to just forget it. Especially when it involves DS.

bluestar That's it, I'd like there to be some actual compromise. Rather than me backing down on everything and my dad carrying on as he pleases.

The problem is you can't choose your family. That includes the people that siblings and parents decide to invite into your family. As others have said, you'd have to learn to accept an annoying sister in law etc and this is really no different, apart from the fact that you're still grieving for your mum (which is obviously massive and I don't meant to sound throwaway).

You say you want compromise. Can you suggest to your dad that you have some special events where the GF isn't present (e.g. a really nice meal for your mum's birthday)? But things like Christmas and other people's birthdays are fair game.

Some aspects of this are not good and need challenging (your dad shouldn't have to clear out the house and your DS' health is paramount) but I feel like your grief is putting a negative spin on the rest. It's lovely that she wants to be involved with your DS and overtime that relationship could be really beneficial to him. It's lovely that your dad has support and love in his life again and that will remove a lot of worry for you.

That's pretty much what I have said Alittlestranger, he's refusing to accept that.