Handholding please, I've thrown him out,

[MrsBennetsEldest]

It's all very complicated( isn't it always ), I don't want to be judged by anyone dissecting my relationship. I was so angry this morning, I packed his bag, drove to work and told him I had had enough, he made a fool of me once to often and it's over. I was angry and felt strong. Now I have had 2 of our DCs ( 14 & 17) come home in a terrible mess ( understandably) 1 has gone to a friends the other is refusing to speak to me. I have phoned other DC to put him in the picture as he is still at work.

I phoned H to say that this mess was between us and we should be reassuring DCs and not be involving them in who is right/wrong etc, point scoring, trying to influence them. It seems it didn't take long for the shock to wear off for him, as he thinks I planned everything and am getting my way. Please can someone hold my hand. I am such a mess. I didn't take this step lightly but have gone with my gut instinct.

Ending your relationship is not "getting your own way". It's doing what you have every right to do, whatever the reasons.

It's always hard to do and harder still when you have to consider DC. No-one takes that decision lightly.

Congratulations for taking such a big step forward.

Holding hands.

You don't owe anyone a relationship. If it's over for you, then it's over.

Perhaps you were a bit rushed and should have talked to the DC before making it final, but it's done now. Give them some time and then talk to them.

And keep in mind he has every right to return home. It is his home as well, isn't it? So prepare for the possibility of having him back in the house.

If you're confident you've done the right thing then have the courage of your convictions. Your DCs are allowed to be upset and, even though you think they should be kept out of the gory details why you've had to make this decision, they are both old enough to hear the truth and it wouldn't IMHO be point-scoring.

Do you have someone who could hold your hand IRL? Friend? Family member? Good luck

Thank you for your kind words and support. He is very controlling and has talked me around many times, I acted when I was angry because otherwise he would probably wriggle out of it and make me look and feel a fool.
If he decides to come home I will go elsewhere as looking at him makes me feel sick.
I have family and they are caught up in this whole mess.
Thank you all once again. 21 years of marriage down the drain, my life is too short to waste any more of it with a man who makes life miserable.

Sounds like you know you've done the right thing. Stay strong and take things one day at a time.

Thank you AutumnStar, I appreciate your kindness.

I know what you mean about anger. When I left, I left within the hour. It was mainly for safety, but I just knew I had to do it and did it.

Your children will probably feel confused and possibly angry, but I'm sure they will have felt the weight of his controlling ways, and when it all settles down, I'm sure they will appreciate not having him around at your place. :)

Stay strong.

I think anger can be very empowering when correctly channeled. While you're feeling positive, maybe you would benefit from getting some legal advice and starting to move towards permanent separation i.e. divorce? Having a plan and a goal to work on is a good way to retain focus and make anyone wriggling back that much less likely. FWIW it's probably not a full 21 years down the drain. You have your DCs and some happy memories. Maybe see it more that the first part of your life has finished and you're in the transition to a new, more independent, second half?

Cogito your right. I intend on seeking legal advice next week, I need a few days to find a little peace and calm and then I shall move forward with the intention of making myself and my children happy. He broke me once before and I promised myself then that I would never let another person do that again. There will be light at the end of the tunnel, there are a number of bends in the road so I can't see it yet but I will get there one day. Thank you all for helping.