Red flag, yeah?

[sarahjaye]

Just had my fifth date with new bloke. Had a lovely time so far, dinners out and met a couple of his siblings, so far so good.

Tonight he came to mine for a meal, and was flinching and positively jumping out of his skin every time my small, friendly dog went anywhere near him.

Seriously, I've never seen anyone react to an animal like this. I mean there's not particularly liking dogs, and I don't expect everyone to do so, but it was extreme. Dislike, not fear, I add.

I'm not sure if it's worth trying to continue a relationship with him, we sure as hell are never living together whilst my dog is alive, that seems certain.

I'm quite upset about it, I was feeling quite hopeful until tonight.

Is it a deal breaker, or should I try and work around it? Getting rid of my dog is NOT an option for me.

It's not a total disaster. When I met my DH he was like this towards my cats. He came from a family that had never had pets and was brought up to believe all animals are dirty.

I really liked him but was clear that it was 'love me, love my pets' as after all I've had a much longer relationship with them.

So initially cats were locked out of the bedroom, he kept avoiding them but eventually he ended up having to feed them sometimes, one would sneak into the bedroom when we hadn't shut the door properly etc.

And 2 years on I don't think he'd pick one up but he does stroke them, they are allowed in the bedroom again and when he went away he took loads of photos of cats .

He still fusses about cat hair though, suspect this won't change.

I think him not liking cats was a positive as if he had liked them he would have had his own, and they might have hated mine when we moved in together

Apologies for using the words 'red flag' for something as trivial as this.

I'm dumping and moving on.

Thanks for the replies, helpful to get others perspective

Yes, I think 'red flag' in normal conversation means 'warning sign', which this is - a warning that the relationship probably isn't going anywhere. But on Mumsnet it has a much more particular meaning regarding abusive relationships.

I don't mean that to come across as 'correcting' you OP , just chatting really.

I think if he said he didn't mind dogs, but when confronted with one he clearly does, there's a certain dishonesty there which wouldn't bode well. Anyway, it's all academic now as he is due to be history, which is probably for the best.

I would take the phrase 'red flag' as a bad sign in a more general sense too. MN didn't invent it so no need to correct the OP. I can remember it being used in that broader sense back in the 90s.

dogs are dirty smelly creatures
dogs are an adorable addition to the family

different strokes , different folks

My DS has been terrified of dogs (and any animals) since he was little. However his gf is an animal lover and has a cocker spaniel. It took a while to begin with, but my DS loves that dog with a passion and the dog loves him to bits. My DS still says he doesn't like dogs generally, only this particular dog, but he was determined to make the effort for the sake of his gf. I'm proud of him.

If your bf wants to be in your life, he will have to accept your dog as part of the package. If he doesn't make the effort, there's your answer.

Actually, sarah unkindness to animals - regardless of whether you 'like' them is a proper red flag, so no apologies.

I am scared of dogs and I couldn't date someone who had one. It's not like I hate them. Maybe this guy is the same.

Surely it can't work out long term if you have a dog and he is scared of it. It's not fair on you, the dog or the bloke.

Dog comes first and the man will have to go, I'm afraid. I am another dog-owner and any man who is unkind to my dog is out the door fast.

I once went on a blind-date with a man who said on the phone that he loved dogs. When we met he said he wanted to meet my dog, so I let him out of the car and he bustled over to say hello. The man kicked him. Shortest date ever.

being scared of dogs or not liking them doesn't mean you have to shout at them or kick them. I would definitely dump someone who is unkind to any animal.

You didn't seriously have a dog rooting around the dining table where a guest was eating? Who'd like that?

Dogs make me nervous (even though we had a dog, growing up). I do not want someone else's dog, under any circumstances, sticking it's nose on me, jumping on me, leaving hairs on my clothes, sniffing/barking/running/drooling around me whilst I'm eating.

I don't think that makes me a bad person. As a non-dog-lover, it's completely alien to me to see how dog-lovers treat their pets (like toddlers). And I can smell a dog at fifty paces.

I'd run a mile if I was him. No excuse for being cruel though.

I've already said I did NOT have the dog around the dining table when we were eating!

I've just met up with him for a chat and he has explained it's not that he dislikes the dog, he can't have any animals in his living space. He seems to have issues with the cleanliness of animals and the smell, hair on his clothes, etc.

I guess to me, that sounds a little like he a bit of a clean freak, but I do understand some people don't like that. I shared a flat will a group of girls when I was a student, one of whom brought her dog to stay. It was left in all day, trashing the rubbish and climbing on the furniture - the hairs on my clothes drove me up the wall.

So, I think I understand him a little, but whether it means the relationship is going to continue, I don't really think it can.

Thanks for all your replies, it's good to talk!

I'm absolutely shit scared of dog's due to childhood experience.
Even the smallest dog scares me

I don't think his feelings are unreasonable, but it does seem like you are incompatable on this point. I guess it depends on how old your dog is and if you are willing to retrain it to stay out of the dining area. My dog is 10 and I wouldn't do it to him. He would be very upset.

I have to say that I don't like dogs & couldn't live with one, so I entirely sympathise.

Dog smell makes me feel physically sick, I can't bear their slobby mouths & foul breath, their hair, or the oils from their coats. I don't want the smell on my clothes.

Dog owners either like or don't notice the smell.

Cats, rabbits, chinchillas, hamsters etc - all fine.

I wouldn't bother with the relationship because I love my pets and I will always have cats & dogs in my house so we would be utterly incompatible.

Dogs frighten me (bitten as a child) and cats scare me too. I wouldn't go out with anyone who had either. Some of you are very judgemental!

I don't think it would really work out for you two, clearly your dog is a big part of your life - and nothing wrong with that.

Equally there is nothing wrong with not liking dogs - I personally don't like dogs and have very few friends who have dogs, not deliberately but I guess you 'attract' like minded friends and if I went to someone's house who had a dog I probably wouldn't be too keen on going back there again.

As Zombie says, it is difficult to be totally compatible when you have such different views on pets.

I think I support your decision, I'm more put of by a clean freak than by someone who doesn't like animals. I was with someone like that and was really bad, forget about sharing a meal, he could not even put his laundry and mine in the same wash. I decided to dump him after I spent one hour dusting a beach toy of his son as I was terrified of how he would react when seeing the bloody plastic toy of his beloved son was covered in sand and had got some minor scratches.