advise needed

[pinkchoccy]

instead of telling a long story I will briefly tell you about tonight. I came in from college, i am studying as a mature student. My and dh had a business that we have recently closed due to recession etc. dh now works for a company. I picked up my two kids from my mums. Made tea for me and dh. Cleared up after our tea. Sorted the kids out with their food etc. everything was ok, later sat down to watch I'm a celebrity. Their was a competition on their for a trip to Australia and my dh went to text the answer etc. I made a comment of I wouldn't bother as there as it is unlikely that you will win. He started to tell me that I should not tell him what to do and was pointing his phone at me and looked really nasty at me. Told me that it was nothing to do with me what he did, and that I was controlling. He said if I won I wouldn't take you anyway. I then said who are you talking to like that and that i hadn't done anything wrong it was only my opinion. It was an innocent remark i felt by me and i was really hurt with what he said. i was quiet all night getting on with stuff. we hardly see each other, i don't text or call him nor does he to me. i am happy for him to do what he wants really. this sounds really petty but it was the nastiness that came from nowhere. I challenged him about how he spoke to me and it ended up a fully blown arguement. my daughter came in and he became really kind of cool and happy talking to her. Made out that I had over reacted. it looked like nothing had happened. I have recently lost a lot of confidence and i am a quiet person who suffers from panic attacks. I don't try to control him I am just glad to get through a day. It is like the little nasty comments have chipped away at me. it sounds like nothing but i feel really sad and used. Am I over reacting ? It is like he is so cool with his comments and easily gives me the cold shoulder. Makes me feel worthless :(

Sounds like a tough year for you both. Sometimes a major change occurs and then like tipping dominoes more things happen. Of course he's a big part of your life but it sounds like you have your DCs and studies, you're certainly not worthless.

Was he like this way towards you before the problems with the business started? Has your relationship been an equal partnership or has he always been dismissive?

Thank you for your reply. I dont see myself as controlling. I see myself as always having nasty comments made to me if I say or have an opinion. I mostly keep quiet now. I feel ignored really. No he has never really helped with the kids. I feel like I am going mad. I struggle to talk about how I feel because he takes it personally. We never discuss it. He never makes any time for me. Its hard to describe and my family think he is wonderful. They nust dont see it.

Have you read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft OP?

It sounds like your H is looking for excuses to put you down. And when he does that you go quiet and walk on eggshells round him. So he gets you put in your place and you get a draining miserable life. Does that sound fairly accurate?

I bet if you could advise your DCs on a partner you'd suggest values like honesty, support, respect.

Btw is he the bio father or stepdad of your DCs?

You sound capable, hard-working, not a doormat. If you have been unhappy for a long time what holds you two together? When one half of a couple stops trying, they're no longer a couple, just two adults sharing space.

I would be digging my heels in when it came to shoring up support. They were your family long before he appeared. Bullies thrive on their Mr Nice Guy image. They bank on their popularity. Eg him being calm and reasonable when DD walked in.

Start by finding a rl confidante. A friend if not a trusted family member. Image means a lot to people who like pushing others around. You might think everyone thinks he's great. It may not be so.

he takes it personally well I guess that was the idea, is it then a case of, he couldn't care less how you feel?

I haven't read that book but I will thanks bunchfives. Donkeys he is the bio father. I can talk to my sister she listens to me but not sure she understands. When I am upset when trying to challenge what he says to me he seems to enjoy it like I am a fool. Tells me I am showing myself up. I usually just go to my room and ignor it and cry in private. Tonight I got angry and challenged the comment. He looked seriously like he enjoyed being cool and lying back while I was getting upset saying it was only my opinion. I didnt say dont do it. It hurts because he doesn't seem to care.

What you're describing is bullying behaviour. Ironically bullies often accuse others of being the controlling ones. If 'nasty little comments' are a regular thing from him and you're not just describing a one-off bad-tempered conversation then it's a big problem. If he enjoys seeing you upset, it's an even bigger problem. Largely because living in an atmosphere where you are being bullied will lead to loss of confidence, anxiety and other medical symptoms of stress. Lose the bully & you can probably kiss 90% of those symptoms good-bye.

Your description reminds me of my exH. He really seemed to enjoy seeing me upset. He'd get that air of satisfaction about him and could be so nice to DS during the whole thing that he had started.

He was controlling and turned violent when he felt he was losing control over me and I was prepared to let go of the relationship.

I used to cry, sometimes silently, sometimes away from him, sometimes near him. I don't cry any more. My life is much happier and DS seems happier and more confident too.

There is nothing you can do to change him. There is no right way to respond to these outbursts, except that you won't put up with them any longer.

((hug)) You have reminded me of how my life used to be.

I feel so sad for you.

I used to fantasise about having my own home, without my Ex! Well I have it now and it is bliss.

Do you think you might be happier without this person in your life?

My roomis a tip I think about havi g my own place all the time. I would definitely be happier without him in my life. Ihave lost loads of cconfidence though and dont know if I could do it.

I am sure you can do it. You might be surprised at how quickly your confidence returns without your 'D'P constantly bringing you down.

Go and see a solicitor and get some advice and some information.

Baby steps.

pinkchoccy,

What do you get from this relationship now?.

He has caused your overall loss of confidence; such inadequate men chip away at their victim to bring them further down to their own level.

No you are not overreacting as well, you are feeling both sad and used because you are being used and abused by him. I would now be seriously looking at planning the exit from this relationship. My guess is that he has always been this abusive throughout but you're only really noticing how awful he is being now. He does this also because he can - you're his emotional punchbag.

He is certainly projecting onto you; he's the controlling one in this relationship. Abusers do that as well. He's basically telling you who he is.

BTW his behaviour changing when your DD came in is not that unusual either; its another tactic used by abusers. You are copping all his flak here. Abusers as well can be plausible to those in the outside world.

Do read the Lundy Bancroft book and talk to Womens Aid also.

Also such men actually hate women, all of them.

You need to make a list of what you'll need.
Get legal advice regarding separation. Get financial advice regarding benefits, etc. Get as much evidence of his savings, etc
Look for places to live in and budget, or consider getting a residency order (check with legal advice).

You could consider counselling, but I don't see it working with such a person who enjoys pushing buttons. You could still suggest it and see how he responds to it and, in the unlikely event that he does agree, see how he behaves there. If the counsellor finds him abusive towards you, you could use that to apply for legal aid in the event of a divorce.
In any case, you could have counselling for yourself. To regain that lost confidence.

Meanwhile, try not to raise to his goading. Try to distance yourself and observe his behaviour rather than respond to it.
I'd recommend that you look into ((carolsolomonphd.com/web_pdfs/Transact.pdf Transactional Analysis]] to understand and to try to change the dynamics of your exchanges. It may not change him, but it could certainly start to change the way you respond to him.

It would feel strange planning a whole new chapter without him but what a pity to battle on as you have been, confidence decreasing, self-esteem in tatters.

Not a healthy example to set your DCs. Not what you should tolerate.

ups, Transactional Analysis

If you've lost confidence it's understandable. Never hurts to get information about living an independent life and being well-informed can be a confidence-boost in itself, even if you never act on it. Knowing you have options is like having a light in a dark place. In the meantime, even though it takes a lot out of you, stand up to the bully every time.

Thank you for your comments

Hi Pinkchoccy, with your husbands over the top reactions, it means you are probably walking on eggshells in case he erupts again. Its no wonder your confidence is low - from your OP you seem to do so much for your family with little or no appreciation. It seems he has a lot of resentment in him, and not much will change unless you intigate it. Do you think your children are happy?

Today got up to an atmosphere and we do not discuss anything about last night. He goes out with ds aged 9 to xmas markets. I take ds aged 7 out shopping. I get in nothing mentioned. Silence until early evening and he says we're going out now. Takes ds aged 9 to nandos. I stay and make tea for me and ds aged 7. He comes in 8 pm we watch tv in silence. I go to bed and he takes his pillows to spare room. I feel like I have done something bad. There is never a sorry or a talk we just leave it until the next time. :(

Silent treatment/sulking is more bullying behaviour. Designed to make you feel guilt/sad/wrong-footed. Best response is to ignore it completely, act normally, cheerfully, being yourself with the kids.... basically don't let him see that he's getting to you in the slightest. If he wishes to be childish.. let him.

Then see a solicitor. Life's far too short to spend it with someone who wants to bring you down.

Does he always take the same DS out with him, or do you swap?

And what Cogito said. You don't have to put up with it and try to ignore his tantrums.

OP that is horrible.

I put up with that kind of crap treatment for far too long because I did not believe I could cope alone. Please don't make the same mistake. Go and see a solicitor.

It can't be good for your DC being in such a toxic atmosphere.

Op. He sounds like my ex!
I was scared to leave as i believed i was to blame. I believed all of the put downs.

I finally got the strength to leave, and i have never looked back. My and my kids keep going from strength to strength.

You are dealing with all of this current crap. You woiuld be amazed at much you can handle once he has gone.

You dont deserve to be treat with this bullying behaviour. It is not healthy.

Good luck!