Is this normal?

[GwirionBost]

Namechanger here, needing perspective.

DH and I have been separated for a while. We have remained in the same house with DC but live entirely separate lives. I will be moving out with DC soon. We get on relatively well.

stbxh is not a regular drinker. We have never been into having a glass of wine with dinner or similar. He can go for months without a drink. However, when he goes out, he drinks a lot and loses control completely.
Example- Last time, he went out with workmates. Came home, went to bed. Woke up a few hours later, and I heard crashing in the bathroom. He had collapsed in there whilst sitting on the toilet, then had got up again and sat back down. I went in, he was naked sitting on toilet, and I just about caught him and held him as he blacked out again. He was shivery and pale and very very cold but sweating. DC1 (8) awoke at this point, and saw his Dad like this.

He was too heavy for me to carry back to bed, but once he came round, I lowered him down onto the floor and made him crawl back to bed, as he tends to fall when he's upright. He did so, but pissed himself on the way. I then stayed awake because I was scared he'd go to the bathroom again and keel over at the top of the stairs. (I know it's probably not my place to do that any more, but I really felt he was in danger.)

Previously, he's drunk, collapsed and hit his head, resulting in a pg me having to phone an ambulance. Also has come home with blood on him and he can't remember from where.

So, my question is... Is this average for men who don't really drink? Do they get that rat-arsed where they lose control completely? This is on my mind tonight as he has gone out, and I need to leave the house for work at 8.15 tomorrow morning.

No I don't think so. It sounds like the behaviour of a teenager who hasn't yet worked out their own limits around drinking.

What's he like the morning after? Embarrassed or thinks it's normal?

Do you think there's any possibility of a medical condition which means that alcohol is affecting him disproportionately, or is he just overdoing it?

And I wouldn't look after him either, but obviously you want to protect your DC from seeing him :( I'm glad you're moving out soon.

Yes Bertie I absolutely think that alcohol affects him disproportionately. I encouraged him to be be tested for diabetes, which apparently can affect people in this way, and it came back negative. It seems as though his blood pressure plummets after a binge, making him pass out.
He's apologetic and shame-faced the morning after, but still does it again the next time.

I am genuinely concerned about his welfare after I move out. He remains a good friend but I don't really feel like I can go on about this too much because it's not my responsibility any more.

This is most definitely not normal behaviour and suggests that his drinking is totally out of control. Most adults do not collapse, require ambulance call-outs or come home covered in inexplicable blood.

He needs to sort out his drinking, but he needs to want to do this and you can't do it for him.

Ordinarily, I would suggest contacting AlAnon, but as you are shortly to part, this is probably not needed.

Point him in the direction of AA and let him decide whether he wants to go. Your priority needs to be you and your DC, and protecting them from witnessing such extreme intoxication.

The thing is though, if he's not a regular drinker but he's going out with people who are it can be easy to overdo it or try to keep up or go for all the shots etc, or just carry on when you're already pleasantly drunk because why not - etc. So it could simply be that he's drinking more than he can actually handle. That could be as little as 8 pints, especially if it's strong beer and/or there are shots etc involved. Over 2-3 hours if he's drinking continuously 8 pints could be standard. If he's going out for hours at a time and not pacing himself then it's easy to drink more than you can handle especially if you're trying to "keep up" with others, and you feel the effects less the more you drink and have more of an urge to "keep the party going" by drinking more and more.

Unfortunately you're right - it's not your responsibility and it's something he needs to seek help for himself. Personally if it was happening to me (and it definitely wasn't overindulgence) I'd be really upset and want to find out what was causing it.

I think he should realise that people do die after drinking too much
for some that is a bottle of vodka for others my be much less.

He definitely needs to understand how much is "too much".

Does he mix drinks when he goes out? That can affect some very badly.

I think Bertie has it, really- He drinks at the same pace as people who can handle their drink a lot better. I just think that if it was me, I would just not drink at all if that was the effect it had on me- It's not worth the risk. But we do live in a culture of binge drinking, and I wonder if this is the done thing (hard for me to gauge as I hardly ever drink since my teens.)

I don't think he mixes drinks.

Thank you for saying that Twisted - If it does happen again before I leave, I think I need to sit down with him and really tell him that I am worried he has a problem. He may laugh it off or think I'm saying it because of the split, but nonetheless, it needs to be said.

It is not normal, no.

He has a huge problem with bingeing which he needs to address.

I don't drink often, and I am very aware that I am a lightweight. I have had a few situations where I've tried to keep up with people and ended up drunker than I wanted to be - I've never passed out, or wet myself, though. But due to the experience of perhaps throwing up or feeling very sick or having a bad hangover I have learnt to pace myself a bit more. Sometimes I have paced myself too much and then been disappointed that I didn't feel much effect at all (mainly because I think I may as well have drunk soft drinks and saved money!) but you know, you get around it. And I really DON'T drink very often, and have a terrible memory, so I don't think it's such a hard thing to do.

It's not normal. I'm not a big drinker and, if out with people who drink heavily, I sip mine slowly, alternate with soft-drinks, say 'no thanks' to another one, say 'I'm driving' ... basically there are a LOT of ways you can enjoy an evening out without ending up falling down drunk. Binge-drinking is dangerous stuff.

He could be upset/stressed about the break-up and drowning his sorrows, he could be trying to make you feel guilty enough about abandoning him that you stick around, or it could be that he has a more general alcohol problem. I'm not sure you're actually in the best position to be talking to him about it.

It's not normal that this should be every time he goes out, as rare as it is. Though I imagine with male bravado it's a lot harder to say to your mates you've had enough or need to slow down than it would be for women.

Why wait until he does it again? Why can't you sit down and talk to him about it now?