Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he just not that into me?

20 replies

welshnat · 29/11/2013 18:05

I need some impartial opinions on my new relationship. I have been seeing someone since the start of September, at first it was very irregular. In 2 months I only saw him 3 times. This is because he works shifts and also has his DD on most days he is not working. I also have DS and only have time for "dates" on the weekend.

So after 2 months of not knowing where I stand we both agreed that we wanted to make an effort. I went around to his house and he made dinner for me and his parents. This wasn't such a big deal as I have grown up with him, and my DF is very close to his DF.

Anyway I have seen him a few times now since he asked me to be his girlfriend - hate that as it sounds so juvenile. The issue I have is that he doesn't seem to be sexually attracted to me at all. He has stayed at mine twice after a date, but we have done no more than kiss. The last time he fell asleep on my sofa.

So finally, my question is - is he just not that into me? He says all of the right things, about how he wants me, how he's really happy with me etc. but he just doesn't walk the walk so to speak. It's been 5 years since I was last dating so am very out of practice.

OP posts:
Lweji · 29/11/2013 18:10

Have you talked to him about it?

Do you want to have sex? Did you tell him you wanted to? He may well just being a nice person or not expect you to want it.

conclusionjumper · 29/11/2013 18:10

I have to say for me lack of sexual spark is a massive nail in the coffin.

I agree there's nothing strange about dinner with his parents, except when it's a first date, at least symbolically, when it's as strange as hell.

He sounds a bit sappy and directionless and I fear, although I don't know of course, that you might be a comfortable girlfriend option because he knows you, your families know each other etc.

WhoNickedMyName · 29/11/2013 18:16

It all sounds so dull and flat. Can you really be bothered with this because it sounds to me like too much hard work.

Original poster
welshnat · 29/11/2013 18:17

We haven't spoken about having sex but last time he stayed at mine and fell asleep on the sofa he did text when he got home saying we had better have sex soon or I will dump him. I told him I had no intention of dumping him, as long as he did want me at some point.

I did say when I started seeing him that I did not want to have sex too soon, as I wanted to make sure that it wasn't a one night stand. He agreed as he does not sleep around either. I really don't mind waiting if he's not ready, as long as I know that it is something that he will want at some point.

He is currently trying to lose weight, and is uncomfortable with me touching his stomach - when we are cuddling. Could this be the reason he doesn't want to have sex? I have told him time and again that I am very attracted to him, and he doesn't need to lose weight.

OP posts:
Lweji · 29/11/2013 18:21

Well, if you are up to it, I'd be upfront the next time you are together and see what happens.

And I'm not sure about telling him that he doesn't need to lose weight. He knows he needs to, so it may sound fake to him. But you could tell him that you love him and his body regardless of what he weighs.

BuzzardBird · 29/11/2013 18:26

He might have problems due to being overweight? You need to have a proper discussion about sex, not very romantic I know but he might be in a lot of turmoil.

Original poster
welshnat · 29/11/2013 18:28

i do not think that he is overweight, he used to be a very very fit when he was younger and played a lot of sports. I think that he is comparing himself to his teenage body when it is natural that a 29 year old would look different to a 16 year old.

I think I am finding it harder as my ex was always pestering me for sex, and it actually lowered my sex drive. Since I have been with my new bf I seem to be thinking about sex a lot.

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 29/11/2013 18:38

Oh, I see. So he has low confidence in his body image now? I think a chat needs to be had.

You need to put on your brakes a bit OP Grin don't be a sex pest Grin

MushroomSoup · 29/11/2013 18:40

Just take the initiative!

softlysoftly · 29/11/2013 18:45

Sounds like he maybe hasn't been intimate since his body changed? Have to say if I had to start dating now I would have issues showing my body to someone else even if I wanted them.

Original poster
welshnat · 29/11/2013 18:47

I do feel like a sex pest lol, but I have never said anything to him about wanting sex. I think I just need to let him know that I feel like he doesn't want me that way. Like I said, I don't mind waiting, as long as I know there's something I'm waiting for.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 29/11/2013 18:48

Hmm.

I'm going to be a heartless sod here but it all sounds so depressing and like such hard work for a new relationship. He sounds like he has a lot of issues that need sorting out before he embarks on a relationship. Do you really want to get involved with all this?

And I say that as someone who has body issues myself.

The first months of a relationship should be exciting, lustful and romantic. You should be spending so much time having sex you barely notice all the annoying bad stuff that pops up later... the annoying habits that become irritating. The memories and romance of the early days are what cement your relationship.

Well thats what I think anyway. Maybe im wrong.

I just know that if I started to see someone and he wasn't bothered about getting into my pants I'd be a bit hurt and disappointed.

scaevola · 29/11/2013 18:54

Hang on a sec - have you spent as much time considering if he's good enough for you as you seem to have done in trying to work out if he thinks you're good enough for him?

Is this how you envisaged the early stages of a relationship, and are you happy?

toffeesponge · 29/11/2013 19:06

He said he would have to have sex with you soon or you would leave him? That doesn't sound like someone who is comfortable with sex or isn't ready to have it with you.

Imagine if you had said to him you would have to have sex with him soon or he would leave you, people would be saying hang on, you should only have sex because you want too and not to keep him.

Pippilangstrompe · 29/11/2013 19:17

I think you need to sit down with him and have a good conversation about this. It sounds like it could be so many things. I reckon the best thing is to have a heart-to-heart about it soon, see how that goes and then decide what you want to do.

headlesslambrini · 29/11/2013 19:22

jump him before he has time to think about it and build it into something bigger than it is.

I may have had a glass or two so probably not the best advice

toffeesponge · 29/11/2013 19:27

That reminds me. I had a boyfriend once who was too shy to kiss me so I started gently tapping his cheek and then had to kiss it better. This went on a while. He didn't get the hint. So I smacked him in the mouth Grin. Sounds terrible but I didn't hurt him and he was not unhappy.

WhoNickedMyName · 29/11/2013 19:31

You really shouldn't be needing any kind of conversation this early on.

You should be desperate to spend any spare minute together, shagging your brains out... Not having dinner with his parents.

I'm with headlesslambrini. Jump him the next time you see him, although to be perfectly honest, I doubt I could muster up the enthusiasm in the situation you've described.

Original poster
welshnat · 29/11/2013 19:33

It was said in a jokey way the whole shag you or you'll dump me, but I do wonder if that's how he feels. It doesn't help that nearly every date has involved a lot of wine -I actually stayed sober the last time but it didn't stop him. And no he doesn't have a drink problem, he comes from a family of big drinkers who drink bottle after bottle of wine with meals. I did say to him after the last date that next time will be a sober date out of the house, so less pressure.
He does make me happy, he is one of the sweetest men I've ever met, an amazing father to his DD and just an all around good guy. I just want to get the first time out of the way so we can both be comfortable.
He does seem like he may be too shy to make the first move, so maybe I do just have to jump him and hope for the best lol.

OP posts:
Lweji · 29/11/2013 21:28

It is true that the truth is often said as if it was a joke.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page