Can't forget - insecure

[galaxydefender82]

This is very long, well I'm going to try and make it shorter for you.

I am female as is my partner.

We met online 7 months ago and it has been very intense - in a good way. Saying the Love You's after 2 months, going away a lot on trips, she spoils me and is a very lovely girl, all my friends think she's great. She was hurt very badly by an ex over a year ago, cheated on and called horrible names in a text to her exes bit on the side...anyway, she has always maintained that she hates cheaters, would never cheat and has never cheated. Her mum is a cheat and cheated throughout her marriage to her dad.

Are you still with me? Thanks :)

Anyway, I too have been hurt, several times. My last girlfriend had a close relationship with her ex and my gut feeling was right all along, she froze me out for weeks until I eventually did what she wanted - finished things.

These past relationships have taken their toll on me and made me very paranoid.

A few months ago I had a bottle of wine and was really quite drunk, I text my gf and said I'm struggling to trust her, I still feel insecure etc but am working on it. She didn't take this well and we argued.

Fast forward to about 4 weeks ago, I did the same thing (I know) and she went mad, said it hurts her that I can't trust her yet when she has shown me nothing but commitment and been really open with me. She said I had opened up a mass of insecurities in her that she didn't realise she had. Her ex constantly accused her of things when all the while she was cheating herself. She says that if we don't have trust then we don't have anything.

It was a hellish few days and we drove to a carpark to chat (Will explain why in a sec) and she was acting crazy, really pissed off. She broke up with me and I got really upset and said she's just like my ex. She said she's confused and loves me but is hurt and everything feels different now.

A day later she apologised and said she didnt know where her head was, she hadn't eaten for days and had panic attacks. We are back together and went away for a weekend and everything was fixed again.

Now, I have an ex from many many years ago who is still a close friend. She had come to stay with me at the time and what I didn't realise is that she was tecting my gf a lot saying how well she knows me, suggesting xmas gifts etc. My gf said that when my ex came to stay, all she wanted was for me to reassure her but instead I went all insecure and "accusing her of things".

Anyway, my mind is in overdrive again, even though she has since said I am the love of her life I feel this constant thought that she is cheating on me, she's given me no reason to think it but I just do. What's wrong with me? How can I leave my past insecurities in the past? It's going to end up pushing the one girl I've ever loved away. Sorry if this is long winded :(

Also, part of me think she only got back with me because she felt bad. Hence the title

This sounds very difficult because both of you have baggage and I'm sorry, but both of you are overreacting .... plus it sounds like the ex's texting might be threatening to her and making the whole thing worse.

I'm afraid that it sounds like both of you need to keep your feet better on the ground. If the insecurity is so strong that neither of you can live with it without starting to tear each other apart, then you need counselling. But I honestly think that once you've been cheated on then actually there's also an element of having to learn to live with insecurity and learn how to express it and handle it to each other - and to endure it in yourself. Its an uncomfortable feeling but once the absolute serenity of trustfulness has been broken by a partner, you can never completely go back. To some degree the knowledge that someone can betray you (even if you're sure they won't) can't be unlearned.

But if you can take a deep breath, step back and learn to express it honestly but without tearing each other apart, you've got a good start.

Life scars. Its how you deal with the scars that makes the difference (that, and knowing when you're really out of your depth and maybe need professional help).

regarding if she got back to you, all you can do is ask her honestly. And expect an honest answer. Then you have to take her at her word.

I did ask her, and she said not to be so stupid then said "there is no way to say this without sounding cheesy, you are completely the love of my life" and I stopped listening after that because my heart was beating so fast :) I'm just so scared of being hurt again. I almost went crazy when we argied, didn't eat or sleep, going over conversations and texts in my head over and over again until I had a panic attack. I was put on Citalopram for a "chronically anxious personality" and have been referred to a mental health nurse.

I get worried when she doesn't text or email as much, it's ridiculous. I know in a few months I will probably be fine, but because it's new I'm worried she'll leave or get bored or whatever.

My ex has been really difficult and my gf is being so very patient

Ok, it sounds like she's really nice. I honestly think you need to talk carefully to the mental health nurse and actually, I think you owe you gf an apology.

Much of this is coming from inside you, which is in the end your problem which unfortunately spills over. I don't mean that as harshly as it sounds; when you have been betrayed then its incredibly hard to deal with the feelings, especially if you have an anxious nature. But maybe it will help to keep in mind when the feelings begin to storm that actually, they are just that - feelings - and that all the evidence is that she really does love you. And then take a long pause and save up the pain for the nurse rather than letting it spill too far out onto her. And tell your gf that that is what you're doing.

Well, it's bound to spill out a bit. But if you try to save it up for the nurse, then at least it'll be more of a small wave than a tsunami if you're lucky :)

She also needs to look after herself - make sure she eats, tries to sleep and tries to work out ways of handling the panic attacks. Lack of food does horrible things to the way you think oddly enough. It sounds to me like you are similar in some ways and that in fact you could trigger each other off.

This happened a few weeks ago and I made a lot of apologies.

I get this horrible anxious knot in my stomach. Not to pin things on PMT but this only comes about during "that time".

My PMT has been terrible for the last year and I struggle to contain my feelings during that time.

Thanks for the advice

Get some boundaries with your ex. You are being very unfair by allowing her to stay with you, make digs at your gf and generally overstep boundaries whilst also telling your gf how you struggle to trust her.
You moved very fast with your gf and you don't seem like you were emotionally ready. You may need to take a bit of space and time to work out whether you are ready for a relationship with this level of commitment.

I went on Yasmin to control my pmt, have you thought about that? You may not have ever thought about going on the pill before but I found it a godsend.

are you very young? all this angst and gnashing of teeth makes you sound about 15

Yes I have spoken to the ex, she is very fragile - suicidal and depressed. Often emotionally blackmailing me so I feel guilty trying o push her out of my life.

Piper unfortunately I'm a fair bit older than 15!

I too have issues with jealousy and insecurity and what I've realized is that they are to do with unresolved issues from childhood. So dealing with the symptoms doesn't work, ie trying to rationalize and talk about current and recent exes etc. Because they are triggers for insecurity and misery, but not the actual root causes.

Perhaps therapy would be useful for you? It's hellish feeling jealous, I sympathize completely. But you soundllike you're going round in circles so trying a different approach may work better?

Well I begin councelling on 7th January so hoping very much that this will help. Can't keep going like this, it's not fair on anyone

You got good advice.

I did think from your first post that you were being very unreasonable and I'd have lost patience as your gf did.

You do need to sort out those feelings of insecurity, or you will ruin the relationship.

I do think that you need to go no contact with your ex. Regardless of her problems. You are not responsible for her mental health. She was the one who cheated (if I got it right), and one more reason for it not to be your problem. While you are in contact, I think it will be very difficult for you to overcome your anxiety and insecurities.

No, it was my gf's ex that cheated. My ex didn't. It was fairly amicable.

I am phasing her out slightly.

I'm going out for drinks tonight and hoping I don't text my gf stupid crap!

Keep off the drinks, then. Surely that's easier than trying to mend the relationship.

And sorry for the misunderstanding. Still, I think you need to phase her out more than a little.

I don't think your ex is a friend to your or your relationship.

As you and your DP both have some issues hanging around maybe you could have some counselling. Relationships shouldn't be this much hard work 7 months in.

I don't consider our relationship to be hard work. We have great fun, a great sex life and really feel so much for eachother. We only tend to argue about it when I bottle things up. She wants me to be able to talk to her before it becomes an issue for me. But with insecurities it's never a rational problem