Backed myself into a corner, help!

[PTFO]

I need your help.

For the last year I have been wanting a second child, DH does not. His reasons are...based on unknowns, the what if's. No amount of talking or counsellor session have changed his mind. He knows he's risking our relationship (or rather I am).

Rightly or wrongly I struggle with this, after an row I decided I needed more independence and wanted to distance myself from dh. I feel angry and hurt and at times I feel I hate him. I wanted to give myself the option of leaving so I applied for a FT job (currently at SAHM). I have an interview next week.

My DS is devastated at the idea, he sobbed when I discussed it with him. I know this is the wrong decision for him and for what its worth me as I would be one doing everything I do now on top of a job. I would run myself into ground/make myself ill. My dh agrees this would be the case due to his job.

Im worried if I get this job, DS and I are the ones that suffer (and the dog!)
Im worried If I don't, I don't have the option to leave. I then have to accept DH decision and move on. but I don't think I can, I don't see this getting easier...

For what its worth Im not leaving to have a baby with someone else, I just cant accept that he loves me, that his decision shapes our future. Yet again he has made the decisions in our relationship. I starting to feel that its his way or the highway. I feel that he is playing me at the moment to see how far I go, as if to say see I knew you wouldent leave. I feel trapped.

Someone please advise me!

But why will you have to everything you do now, on top of a job? Because your husband says so?

That's a bit bonkers.

Ask yourself honestly why could you not, as a couple, pool resources and buy in help? (I think the reasons that you come up with for why that will not happen are going to be pretty important.)

So your husband has said that he will not pull his weight in the home if you get a job?

Nice.

Your son will adjust. Your best bet is to be supportive but not ott with him. Kids often don't like change but they do adapt.

If you do leave, everything will fall to you on a day to day basis, so you'd be no worse off than working full time and coming home to do it all.

Your husband perhaps thinks that by making you feel it is too much, he can force you to keep things as they are.

He is wrong. He is forcing you to prove to him and to yourself that you can go it alone if you choose to.

Because he won't be able to. DH works all over the place, he either wont be on hand or well working. I would have to do everything unless I paid a cleaner a dog walker, someone to wash/iron. I would need additional childcare. DH said he would do what he could but we both know it will be me! Otherwise nothing will get done. I know what you mean though it should be shared..

The only reason to pay people to do what I would do at home is so I could work and give myself the option of leaving BUT the right thing for my son is to stay at home...I spoke to someone close to me in RL and they said to stay at home at least until DS is in high school but that's some years away.

Ah, I see. Well if he isn't physically there and cannot jiggle his working hours then the other option is to ensure that a cleaner, dog walker, childcare etc is paid equally or proportionally according to your wages between you.

Otherwise he's saying that it's your job. Which isn't true. Care of the children, care of the home, care of the dog - equal responsibility.

It's easy for someone 'close to you' to say stay, but they aren't the one living miserably, are they?

Just as it's easy for any of us to say go, because we're not the ones who have to live it.

But I will say that the longer you stay in your current situation, the harder it will be to get out. The longer you are out of the job market, the harder it will be to get a good job unless you retrain.

Bollocks. Sorry, but that's bollocks. I work all over the place. 3-4 days a week abroad. When I was married, all the housework still fell to me!!
Seriously - how much cleaning does an absent husband, a working wife, and one child generate?
If this was only about you wanting a child and him not, I'd say you have to just suck it up... (i know that's easier said that done) But sounds like it's more.

In which case, you're right not to stay out of the workforce -being a single parent means giving up being a SAHM. But that will be worth it to be happy. But if you do go back to work - don't just accept not sharing the domestic load!

Going back to work isn't a be all and end all decision. if it doesn't work out, you can leave, go part time or try something else.At least give it six months and see what happens.

The more important thing is how your husband is making decisions based on his needs not yours. Being a mum involves sacrifices - that is true, but so does being a dad and he seems to think he doesn't need to sacrifice anything.

I understand your feelings about a new baby. it took my husband and I a few months to agree on a second - but the age gap we have is about right. I was terribly upset about it. But it was vitally important that we both agreed when the time was right.

if you truly want a new baby you need to leave - this will torment you for the rest of your marriage otherwise. if he gives in, it could torment him. This is a very difficult situation.

If I go back to work then Ill be putting my sons needs last. Ill get loaded with everything.

If I don't Ive got to suck it up. Or find something that fits in with school (if it was that easy!)

Apart from the baby thing we really didn't have any other problems but Its made me really look at our whole relationship. I just don't see him in the same way. Im resentful.

My dh thinks PT would be better but in my job Im not sure that's possible. Do I go to the interview and see?

I don't actually want to go back to work, I mean I would no problem if not for DS, but all I can see is stress shitloads of it falling on me.

Hi again, OP. I asked why couldn't you and your husband pool your resources to buy in extra help.

That means pooling money just as much as time. In fact if he has no time then all the more reason why you should each pay proportionately towards bought-in help.

Would he simply refuse this? That would be very revealing.

How old is your DS?
Did you discuss how many children you might both want, prior to marriage.

"Yet again he has made the decisions in our relationship. I starting to feel that its his way or the highway"

the "yet again" is interesting here.

I don't think the issue is whether you work or not, or what your son thinks about it. The issue is that you are being disrespected by a man who has decided that being married (if you are a man) is having full time domestic staff who have no choice in the matter. And who makes the decisions on everything.

I think even the dc2 is not the issue. I am sorry if this sounds glib, but I think you would perhaps find it easier to come to terms with this situation if you felt genuinely heard.

Do you want a job per se, or just so as not to feel materially tied to this man? Because if you are SAHP he will have to support you if you split. (take legal advice on this)

do you want to actually leave, or call his bluff - is making leaving a real possibility the only way you feel you have left to point out that you are an adult with agency and he doesn't get to call all the shots? Because he doesn't listen otherwise?

Hi to answer a few questions:

Pooling resources: Money has never been an issue, I can have what I want within reason, I've had cleaners before not a problem. His income is my income IYSWIM. "pooling" is a non issue

DS is 7, Yes we discussed number of kids, I wanted 2 or 3, dh 2.

The "yet again" is more to do with that since his refusal to have a 2nd baby, ive looked back on our relationship, and he made the choices even if I wanted something different but I went along with what he wanted. I can give several examples. Im no pushover but Im starting to wonder why I have not put my foot down at all, I can only think of one time that I have and I did get my way and that interestingly was pre ds.

I don't want a job per se, I want to be in a position should I want to leave I can. When I applied for the job I wanted to leave then as I calmed down, possibly more to call his bluff..Yes I want to make a point about calling the shots.

Ive just bought our DS an expensive xmas present. DH decided what to buy ds, I went along with it knowing that actually he wants something else (but he would have liked what dh was getting) but DH refused to buy it. So I bought it tonight. I asked DS if you could only have one thing... and this was it, ds also asked for it last year...so I thought it unfair 2nd year running to not get it. THAT was me making a point I guess. htms

Am I missing something here? Thousands of women (and men) manage to work full time and raise their families whilst running a home. Some through choice but most through necessity. I was a single parent and managed it very well. Also, you say your husband is calling the shots, but it sounds like you are trying to force him into doing something that he clearly doesn't want, in insisting on a second child. I bet he is also feeling resentful. If everything else in the relationship is good as you claim, then let things be and get on with living.

wombat I wish I could get on with living it.
I know lots of people manage to work full time with families (I do wonder how!), but that's not what we agreed and its not what Im happy with. My DS has a routine (a medical issue adds to this greatly) and he's very sensitive and is shattered by the time school is finished, he simply cant cope with anything else.

Now if financially I HAD to go back to work then I would, a roof over our heads comes first. But I don't have to for this reason and it would be my ds who will suffer and then me.

Im not forcing DH to do anything, it would be my choice to leave not an ultimatum. My dh wont be forced into anything.

Good luck PTFO I hope it works out for you all

It does seem very drastic to consider throwing your relationship away because of this, especially when another child isn't the greener grass on the other side of the fence. If you leave, you still won't have the child you want.

I am pregnant with DC2. After DC1 DH decided he actually only wanted one child. Not because he doesn't like being a parent but because he loved our little family as it was and genuinely couldn't imagine loving another child as much.
We discussed it and I explained how I felt I needed another child even if that didn't seem rational but at the same time I wasn't going to force him. We both take our roles as parents very seriously as it's a huge responsibility. So the decision wasn't whether he would give me the other child I wanted but whether or not on a individual basis he wanted to have the lifelong responsibility of being a father to a second person.

That's really not a decision you can force on anyone as it's a role they play individually as well as in your relationship. They have to accept responsibility to love, bring up that person and have their own individual relationship with that child.

I was hurt because we'd always discussed having two and at first I felt he was going back on an agreement almost but that agreement was made when we had no experience of being parents.
So you really can't sign someone else up for such a responsibility and it's also not fair to be resentful if they change their mind as that really isn't their fault.
It's not reasonable to ask someone to ignore their feelings when they will have a lifelong role to play.

Fortunately, I left it with DH and he changed his mind. I am grateful as I know he's partly doing it for my sake, however he has decided for reasons he's happy with that he wants to be a father again.

It sounds like getting a job is purely for in the event of you leaving. May be you should decide if you can work past this issue first? If you can then you can happily do what you say you know is best for your DS as it sounds like that's what you feel you should do.

I understand your resentment and it's a very valid feeling but I don't really think you should aim it at your OH.
I really hope it all works out for you!

My gosh-sorry that's such an essay!!

Perhaps Your ambivalence will betray you at the interview. Like a pp said, you can always try it for 6 months and ditchit if it doesn't work.

thanks Carryondancing, I understand what your saying, I do I even on some level agree.

I need to work on this anger and resentment, I don't see how we can go on when at times I feel I hate him. I just want to put some distance between us. Frustratingly this is why I went to see a counsellor myself and im no further on. she thinks dh has control issues/pressure of responsibility-hence me looking at jobs after a row about it. urgh

thanks for your feedback folks

Hmmm, well, my XH was the provider while I was the SAHM and despite complaining about my lack of earnings would not agree to me working in the evening or help me around the house. When my eldest was 8, the others were 5 and 2.5, I left him. That is to say, I made him leave.

My eldest did not want me to go to work (I went back to Uni) but he adapted and the other two were fine. I am set to graduate this year. I've studied, worked 40 hour week placements, got 3 kids, a mortgage and a dog (and 3 hamsters) and it is doable.

You will manage BUT if you do go back to work and you do everything around the house, you will soon probably wonder why you have stayed married i'm sure

Why has your husband changed his mind on having a second child?

I don't think that DH really objects to you seeking work; I get the opposite impression, for all his apparent slowness to offer support and encouragement.

I understand you wanted to lash out at DH. Do this for you, not as a distancing tool against him. As it's not economic pressures forcing you to go to work this is about rather more than the money so imo it wouldn't be a waste of effort even if you pay for domestic help and childcare. You'll be refreshing your CV, opening your horizons and getting some independence. Bearing in mind DH's job and lack of flexibility he is hardly able to refuse you organising that support he took for granted from you. Don't ignore the idea of going PT just because he suggested it.

By the sound of it this was all done very hastily but now you fear you might be cutting your nose off to spite your face.

DS may dread change, he can be talked round. At the moment it is nebulous, he doesn't know how things will be. What about his peers, do their mothers work? I am sure once you know what you want to do you can fill in more details.