Was I groomed or did I just make poor choices?

[Fabalab]

Name-changed for obvious reasons. If you think I'm a troll then please report to MNHQ rather than posting on here and they'll sort it out.

When I was 16, I met a 21 year-old online. It turned out we already knew each other slightly and he was in a position of authority over me (not teacher, think youth group). After a month or so talking online we started a sexual relationship, which took place both at events where he was in this position of authority and in outside time. Only a couple of people were aware of it. This carried on for about six months and stopped because I wasn't comfortable with it. He pursued for a while but I moved away and cut all contact.

Up until recently I just assumed that I'd been a bit silly but it just hit me one day that what he did really wasn't ok. He had a duty of care towards me, which he was fully aware of as the organisation provides training on this.

Any thoughts? I have to post and run I'm afraid but I'll be back later.

It was inappropriate and unprofessional at best. Were classed as vulnerable? If so potentially illegal.

Were you* bloody phone

His behaviour was abusive of your trust and his position. He took advantage of you and he was wrong to do so .

Not that I know of. He also made a film of me naked, which he then shared with his housemate

As he was in a position of trust and you were under 18, I think what he did was illegal.

Filming you and sharing it were also morally vile.

So sorry. Do you want to report him?

Filming under 18 is illegal in a bad, bad way.

I don't want to report him, just to feel a bit kinder towards myself IYSWIM.

Well I think you should be very gentle on yourself, OP. This man, this adult who was in a position of trust, criminally abused that trust and drew you into his dysfunctional world whilst you were vulnerable and young.

You should be so proud of yourself that you cut yourself free from him. That was the most important choice you made and an excellent one.

I can really understand your need to put all this behind you. However, it's unlikely that you are the only person he has done this to.

Can you report anonymously via crime stoppers?

Take care, and be brave

Thanks everyone.

Not sure you were groomed at such. But I am sure that he should not have made a move on you. He may have genuinely had feelings for you since he pursued you after stopped things. But one thing that youth leaders and groups should and in this case did is train their staff in is not getting involved until neither of you has an authority position.

Grooming may be too strong a word for it but he did not behave well in getting in a relationship at all and he knew the rules. The onus of responsibility was on him.

The filming and sharing was plain shitty and that in itself would be enough, if you felt strong enough, to report him to the police. Certainly to the club authorities.

You do not need to be harsh on yourself.

The filming alone would get him on the Sex Offenders register, and barred from working with under-18s for life. Sharing it would almost certainly carry jail time. And should, in my view: even if you can't call it grooming as such, encouraging the normal tendency of teenage girls to get crushes on older men is disgusting behaviour and while you seem to have handled it well, will the next vulnerable girl he targets? There are good reasons to involve the police, if you can bring yourself to do it.

At the age of 15 I found myself in a kind of relationship with a 22 year old. it wasn't until i was an adult that i realised it really was wrong. Even though I didn't have sex with him, it involved lots of sexual type contact once I reached 16 and went on for three years. I honestly thought i was in love - but now it does feel kind of strange and wrong.

But I do feel that the relationship taught me a lot. it may have been wrong but i remember it fondly.

it is such a dilemma that you have. You have moved on and yet you still feel weird about it. i am not sure that reporting him will change that. I also don't think the age difference was enough to suggest grooming. I just think he didn't think it through.

yes ive been here.

I always thought I concented so chalked it up to bad choices. As an adult I realise it was very, very wrong.

Even though he was in a position of authority, I don't think you were groomed as your age gap is not that enormous. Although you were young, you weren't actually underage.

Agree with upthejunction, chalk it up to experience and move on, don't beat yourself up about things you can't change.

Upthejunction... Do you have any evidence for that statistic? It seems hard to believe ...