Not to be taken for granted?

[garlic]

First time poster but have been reading all your wise posts......can you shed some light please.....especially from those MNetters who have been in long relationships with older dcs.....

background: im married for 20yrs, started career together, earning same and after second dc it was difficult to carry on ft with no family around and high cost of childcare so changed career, working pt and earning considerably less (and deteriorating fast because of relocation(. DH's career shot up with x20 more along with business trips, evening events etc. Always supportive, didn't mind long hrs, me doing all house chores, looking after dcs/ now ferrying them round to activities etc. Always very conscious on spending money on me, although he never objected to anything.....

please bear in mind that we both come from homes where mum was always doing everything, and working so all the running around was very natural/ingrained in me....while still being very much in love!! (as a good friend of mine said....'surely you cant still be in your Pink Cloud!)

Im extrovert, telling all, DH being my best friend...., him quiet, emotionally distant I would say, now reading about it....., but whenever low...maybe I was nagging about not having 'us' time, not going out (he wanted a quiet downtime at home after the busyness of work) etc etc but eventually picking myself up and carried on until the next cycle.....all I put down to the ups and downs of the relationship.

until 9 months ago....never liked his new assistant (never a problem with others before, even from day one (6yrs ago), a very flirty girl, confiding to my DH about her affairs, this and that...., him about work dynamics etc I had in the past that he is getting too close (confiding about other colleagues for instance or talking about our family and it may be misunderstood and gossiped in office so to be careful.....until accidentally I found an invitation from him in a message to go for a quick coffee and a roll in her bed....no other such/flirty texts before or after...and she didn't respond to this one either. he never deleted those anyway.... After the numbness, the big crash to the ground from my Pink cloud, I confronted him, and he was appalled to how it could have been misunderstood, that it was a joke after discussion in office about someone elses's affair, he apologised, professing his love to me and that he would never in a million yrs do anything to hurt me.....as you may call it was just 'office banter'. but also admitted that he had been for coffees after work without my knowledge bec he knew how i felt about her so he didnt tell me..... so lies by omission?? took me months and months to get over the fact that it was a possibility (how naïve of me....where have I been throughout my adult life??)

He is now more close/ hugs and kisses with me, sharing more stuff from work and his day, making an effort to go out just the 2 of us every few weeks after of course reminding him when we regress to previous patterns.... I on the other hand read every book on earth about emotional affairs, marriage, and self help, have been to counselling on my own (He joined once and was shocked that I had still trust issues.(he is still working together and says there is no way to change that... ) and the advise comes as......live your own life....be happy in your own right....go out when you want to with friends..... because he carried on/ moved on but you stayed behind/ froze in time with all the house/ family commitments.

How am I supposed to do that?? I was never the girly type, going out. its his company I am after and enjoy.... I see a nice place alone and always wish he was there to share it with me..... I'm very much financially dependent and that apparently after counselling came out as building a lot of resentment (and a clash with my upbringing as my mother was independent and still doing all the right things to keep her man happy!! sadly I lost her so cant ask how she feels now about all this) im trying to increase my work hours now, so as to be out of the house a bit more but I still want to be there for him, supportive, showing my love. He works really hard, very tired and still looking out for our DCs and our future in later years. Counsellor insists that the only way he will change and understand your needs as well, is not to take you for granted.

Sorry it was long. Any advice on how to pick up the pieces after the kids have grown up (they still need me though as teenagers so full time work isn't an option and not feasible where I live now....abroad)

thanks in advance

After considerable digging.....really no texts to that nature either before or after....so that was 'nipped in the bud??' who knows...

after all those months, I did suggest that but cant really push this further as I will sound completely paranoid. and as he insists that nothing happened nor any intention?? and it was only a joke, he says there is no reason for any change other than raising unnecessary suspicions in the office.....

after all, the advice here seems to be that the DH has to be the issue....young good looking temptations are always around us. unless he realises what he could lose, what his boundaries should be, wherever he is,,,,there will always be that risk. am I again living in my world?

Instincts are there for a reason garlic, listen to them. The fact that you don't trust him is not going to make for happy times.

I'm a bit confused, sorry. Are you wanting to leave or wanting to stay with him?

thank you ladies for your replies.....reading through other posters, my worries seem now so insignificant.

I am still very attracted to my DH, and love him very much. I want this to work and maybe that shock I had 9 months ago will make the necessary changes for a better relationship? the issue is that he hasn't realised what effect this had on me, and as there was nothing to worry about in his head, all is 'normal' now....

I read that is very common with children growing up and me realising that all family members are moving on, while I lose myself in the process. I just read the other thread 'really upset, sad and scared' and I really don't want to say those same things in few years down the line, when dcs have gone. whenever I discuss me working, DH is all for it, think 'big' go for it....but don't disrupt our lives (still house has to be spotless, DCs cared for, food ready when all arrive back from school/work, drop everything and arrange for cover when his work asks for the 'wives' presence on certain events)

is it wrong to feel loved and put at the top of the list once in a while? Sometimes, i feel DH is ticking boxes, ie big house, good money, DCs well looked after, wife by my side making sure money is not overspent on anything so we can save up....and still discussing second homes for our later years, but doesn't feel the need to invest a bit more in the relationship so as not to be left alone to enjoy those when we grow older. I suppose, empty threats like this don't count, but do you really have to reach the end of your tether and leave? Maybe I just need a kick and grow up. that's family life, with hard work the priority and romance/ us at the back burner. sorry I'm rambling again....

onetiredmummy - yes instincts... i think those were the ones that made me look 9 months ago as he was getting very critical of everything, moody etc I am not sure if its just me now though not letting go, as there is no indication whatsoever, its just that I have to ask about his day, ask about his late evening work dos (not very often) and although he says he doesn't mind about the questions now (he considers talking about his day a big effort as he is very tired) , i feel that he should be making sure he earns my trust again rather than me interrogating.

Hi OP I think your last post has it - he changed his behaviour to you, you got suspicious and checked his phone and found the text basically asking his assistant for sex. I am very dubious about it being a joke which was misinterpreted, it sounds like a lot more went on and maybe he was better at deleting other texts? And rather than trying to re-earn trust since, he makes out that you are making a big deal of it. It sounds like everything in the relationship is on his terms - you can have a job as long as you still do all the housework and childcare. I think your counsellor is spot on, he is still taking you for granted in every way and needs a big jolt out of it. Good luck.

I'm going to be really honest with you now,

It seem because you read one text that has been explained as a joke and you have found no others you sought councelling about your relationship with your DH, whom your clearly love to bits.

Ok, that was a bit flippant because you have gone on to say about DC growing up and becoming indipendant (all bar being Mum's Taxi) and that understandably, has an effect on your standing or how you feel about your standing in your family.
So I do get that the way you feel is deeper seated that worrying about a text.

IMO, It's unreasonable for your DH to 'get rid' of the secretary, apart from anything else, you can't just get rid of an employee. They have employment rights.
It's also unreasonable to expect your husband to find another position as he is clearly successful at what he does.
That's what IamGluezilla is suggesting.

I think it's time for you both to bury this skeleton, regardless of what you think of her.
You need to tell your DH how you feel about it so that he at least understands that you are struggling with what he was sent (or what he sent, it's not that clear, but then again I can be a bit thick!)
You need to then come to terms that is was just office banter and nothing more than that.
Work through this together, tell him you are paranoid, you can't help it, it's on your mind. Let him reassure you, comfort you and empathise with your feelings.

Go on... It will be ok, i promise. Worse things happen at sea.

Sorry if I've been dismissive of your feelings for all of this but that's just the way I read it, that's just my take.

Mighty - thank you....@he needs a big jolt out of it'...any ideas how? without actually threaten?? i really need advice on other more creative ideas to work through this.

Andy...you are absolutely right, bury the skeleton, and i really want to do that, but as you mention....'work on this together' is the answer. DH is making a 'big effort' by replying to my questions about his day (is that what you mean by empathising with me?), agreeing to going for a drink in between pick ups from DCs activities every 3-4 weeks after me asking for the 10th time (is that what you mean by comforting? and having sex a few more times god forbid during the week when i know he is so tired and needs his sleep as he very often reminds me that he works so hard? and earns the money, is that reassuring me that he loves me so much?)

i agree though, there are absolutely worse things that happen at sea and I feel so guilty of even bringing this subject up and even more for airing it in the open in an internet forum. Maybe change takes time and i should be patient, time will tell...I live in hope.

If you want to stop being taken for granted, you have to start behaving as though you were as important as your husband, and you do need to build your own independent life in order for you both to recognise that you are an individual with needs, separate priorities, goals etc.

You have clearly been prepared to fit your life and your PT work around your husband's work goals till now, but I don't see why that needs to continue. His suggestion that you do whatever you like as long as it doesn't impact on the cleanliness of the house or appearing at his work events us frankly chauvinistic. You've made enough sacrifices down the years - is he prepared to attend your work events, do the shopping on the way home, run the Hoover around, to facilitate your career? If not, why not?

'Romance' isn't on the back burner - you are. You've woken up to realise Prince Charming is having it all his own way, from possibly boffing his PA to having a perfect Stepford Wife at home. What do you really want, OP? Do you want to stay in a marriage that is 10% your needs, 90% his?