Can you do anything if you suspect an acquaintance is being emotionally abused?

[YankNCock]

This is a post I've meant to write for years now. The person in question is a work colleague of DH, a lovely, well-educated, funny, kind woman.

Her husband is known around the office as 'The Prick', due to his general demeanour and behaviour. He comes across as arrogant, loud, interested in only what he wants to talk about alpha-male type, and worst of all, he seems to put his wife down a lot. DH and his other colleagues secretly dread when The Prick comes to social functions. They are all polite and make conversation, but would really rather the woman (their colleague) came to things on her own. She can barely get a word in.

Now obviously that can be a 'normal' dynamic in some couples. What really bothers me is the put-downs. The example that has stuck with me was the Christmas do 4 years ago. My DS1 was just a tiny baby, so was in his carseat next to the table during the dinner so I could feed him. At one point I was holding him and he was doing that 3 month old wobbly stare around the table and suddenly started to cry.

The Prick said 'He's crying because *** is so ugly!'

It seemed he thought this was very funny, but none of us laughed, and his wife's face was just a mask of non-emotion, like she was trying to stay composed. Conversation quickly moved on, but DH and I talked about it after, just incredulous that someone so nice could be married to such a dickhead.

That's the most direct example. If it were a one time thing, I might be able to brush it off as an ill-advised joke fuelled by alcohol, but there have been other things (maybe not quite as bad, but still putdowns or jokes at her expense).

They moved out of the country a few years ago due to his job. So of course she had to leave her career. But then he travelled back to the UK tons, leaving her alone in a country where she didn't speak the language or know anyone. They had a child while out there, and have now just moved back, which is why this has come up again.

I don't know her well enough to say 'why are you with this dickhead?', but I don't know what I'll do if he puts her down like that in front of me again (and I think there's a strong possibility). What should I do? Confront him? Tell her privately that it upsets me to see her treated like that, and ask if I can do anything? What could I do anyway?

I feel like if I keep my mouth shut that I'm condoning his behaviour, and adding to the problem by letting her think everyone is ok with her being treated like that, normalising it.

Fuck's sake, there is no right thing to do, is there.....

There is no easy answer.

If he does do that, can you challenge him by saying something like 'you must have low self esteem to make that comment'

It depends how she feels really. She may see a challenge and cringe, dreading his reaction, she may see you as a potential ally, or it may be that even if you went to her with info about Women's Aid she would never do anything.

All of those are options, but which one is best?

Also, he would prob listen to your dh more than you.

Would your dh be willing to say something like 'it's hard to respect a man who is ride to his wife'? Just completely non emotional, a statement of fact. Then it is hard for him to answer back

Tbh it sounds too entrenched for anything much to work. But cutting them out is likely to be the worst option as that will isolate her more.

I think this
Tell her privately that it upsets me to see her treated like that, and ask if I can do anything?
...may be your best option.

What could you do? Be a listening ear perhaps? Or at least be someone 'out there' who has noticed, who cares, and isn't prepared to turn a blind eye because it's easier not to bother...

I think it's great that you care enough to ask, to think about her and to post here.

DH isn't confrontational in the least, I'm the attack dog in our relationship

So I can't see him saying anything. His work colleagues are similar, all male clever science geek types, great with high minded thinking, less with emotional intelligence. I don't think they've put the word 'abusive' to what 'The Prick' does, and she doesn't know they call him this. DH thinks she must have some idea that they don't enjoy The Prick's company. Once, she was going to come to something on her own because he was away, but he came back in time and she said ' is going to be back early so he can come now!' My DH said they all tried to rearrange their faces and say 'oh great!' but it fell rather flat and he felt bad for her that they were clearly not as thrilled as she was to have him there.

I would never cut her out, I really like her and so does DH. I do wonder though if any of her friends from before they met feel similarly, and how many of them might see her less because they don't like him?

So you don't think I'm completely off base in thinking this is emotional abuse?

Your friend is lucky to have your loyalty, OP, and for hanging in there as a friend when one of the major issues with this kind of abuse is that women are successfully removed from their support network.
I am really really sad, and sorry, to say that there probably isn't a whole heap you can do until your friend is ready to acknowledge the reality of her abused life.
I was in a similar mire for 30 years ....and for most of that time I knew that things were not always great for me, but believed I had a 'good marriage' Just the "old fashioned" sort.
However, eventually these men always go one step too far, and she will then
"wake up and smell the roses", If you try to force it, then she is most likely to withdraw from you.

Be there. Listen. Question, when you can do so without sounding accusatory. Become the absolute safe and non-threatening place for her to open up in. In that safe friendship, one day, she will tell you what you so badly want to hear from her ....and at that point, she will need every ounce of help you can offer.
Until she gets to that point, in her own head, it just won't happen.

You don't insult someone you love in front of other people. He despises her. Yes, that's emotional abuse.

I think I would have to say "wow" if he ever insulted her like that again. He needs calling on it. He probably thinks he is hilarious?

I'd casually mention Mumsnet, especially the relationship boards. Maybe MNHQ should invent a little card we could leave, milk-tray man-like on women's dressing tables.

Emotional abuse, bullying.... whatever you call it, it's deeply unpleasant. One of the outcomes bullies want is to shut people up. He calls her names, she sets her face & says nothing... QED. If DH, his colleagues and the others at the table also say nothing, they're essentially victims of the same bully. Someone has to find the gumption to say to the woman 'is he always this bad?', 'does he treat you like that at home?; or call out The Prick next time he acts like a twat.

I think a direct "that's not funny, it's just rude" to put him in his place if you feel up to it, and then a sneaky word with her about MN being a great place for support and relationship advice if you avoid AIBU

What FestiveEdition said, that's what I'm worried about, that if I say anything, she'll withdraw. I'd class us as acquaintances at the moment, DH probably knows her a bit better from sharing an office. And I'm happy to say she's back working for the company again (until The Prick decides his career is more important than hers and she has to follow him whereever he ends up).

On the face of it, she seems quite together, reasonably assertive and confident and I just find myself wondering why she would be with him, but I've read enough on the relationship boards here to know things aren't always what they seem on the outside and that anyone can be in an abusive relationship, even those who seem like they wouldn't take crap from someone.

She and I have never really talked about our relationships other than very superficially, I suppose because it would be odd because she works with DH, so has a different sort of relationship with him.

I keep doubting myself so much, thinking I've got it horribly wrong, and they're wonderfully happy together, and I've just seen a few bad moments, and it couldn't possibly be the way I've painted it. But if that remark was bad enough to stick in my head for 4 years (when nothing else from the night did), that says something, right?

I like the idea of a mumsnet card. I wonder if she's on mumsnet now. If she read this thread, she'd easily work it was me by my profile and what I've said.

So if you're there, just know that neither DH nor I like how he treats you, because we think you deserve so much better, and we both would be very very happy to help in any way we can, whenever you want.

The thing is, if no-one at all laughs when he makes those comments, he knows, absolutely 100% that he isn't being funny. He isn't trying to be funny. He is putting her in her place and everyone around her is allowing him to.

He will have picked up that everyone ignores him, but he still does it, because he can get away with it. And if she still seems delighted when he can join you for an evening, then there may well be nothing that you can do about it. At the very least you can make it clear that you think his comments are utterly unacceptable. You could just do a very obvious 'oh!', blank face, change subject, or actually say something.

Even if he is pulled up on it in public, it won't change his opinions, or how he acts towards her in private, but it may make her see that other people don't accept his views.

Are there any social events coming up over Christmas?

yank I hope you can let her know in some way that you think that his behaviour is wrong. I was cringing a bit reading this as I think I'm often in a similar situation with my H- who I now realise is an abusive bully but I spent years thinking he was just a 'tell it like it is' sort of guy. Your friend is probably not sure whether her perceptions are correct. I've been in so many social situations where my H has talked over me or put me down and when others noticed I really appreciated it although in the interest of keeping the peace usually didn't do anything. But she can gather strength from others noticing. If you can mention anything to her directly and let her know you are on her side I would think she'd appreciate it. Good for you- for caring enough to do something.

Yes, there's a Christmas do coming up, DH says they've been invited, but he doesn't know if they're going.

I told DH I'd asked about it on MN, and he initially panicked, but then calmed down when I reminded him how eminently sensible and wise most MNers are. Hopefully he'll be along at some point to read this and maybe put his two pence in.

thatsnotmynamereally, thanks for your post. I am unsure whether she will gather strength from people noticing The Prick is being awful, or will she just be embarrassed?