How do you deal with NPD at work?

[Komono]

I work with someone who displays massive signs of NPD. I am her manager and she drives me insane. Sometimes I can cope with her, other times not. Its a small company and we have both been there several years.
how do you deal with people like this?

You keep as much distance emotionally as you can. Give her the bare minimum of info she needs to do her job. Never tell her anything she can use against you.
Information is power to a narc. Power is to hurt people.
Cover yourself as she will stab you in the back if she gets a chance. It is horrible but one of the few feelings narcs have is fear, so your best defence is to ensure she is afraid of you. Good luck.

Yup, focus on the fear factor. Bear in mind she will be very unpleasant to other staff - watch out for fighting and lies.

we have the lies. Will attempt to instill a little fear. She is unpleasant to others and always trying to assert herself over them at any given opportunity.

And even undermines my authority in a passive aggressive way when she thinks she can get away with it - telling more junior members to leave everything to me then getting them to run round after her.

What does NPD stand for?

NPD - Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Google it, it's pretty much selfishness and self absorption taken to extreme. A bit like Narcissus himself!

What absurd and paranoid posts!

It might help to try to imagine why she behaves as she does. Or give her some feedback about how you feel about her behaviour.

Why is it absurd and paranoid?
I think her self esteem is fragile. Tried constructive discussion on teamwork, her role, consistent reinforcement of her value. She carries on regardless lying, shirking the tasks she doesn't want to do and overstepping others

I don't think op is paranoid twisted, npd is alive and kicking and a bugger to deal with.

Have you a colleague you can ask for support with in dealing with them? I would just be factual and aloof, as a manager inform other team members to bring forward any concerns and reiterate at staff meetings that is is a positive environment you are working in

Komono

NPD work colleagues are a right PITA. I cannot emphasise enough how awful these people are to work with.

This may help you red dealing with narcs:-
"The first is to oppose it. Someone who aims constantly for higher status and the approval of those above them as a validation of their own importance is often more vulnerable than they first appear. Their very lack of concern for the consequences of their actions can be destructive rather than admirable. No guarantees exist that someone in authority will listen to your concerns but, if an occasion arises, your opinion might be influential in convincing others that the narcissist’s behaviour is not as beneficial as they choose to believe. In other words, ‘wait your moment: it will come’.

The second is to accept it, even to be helpful in ensuring the narcissist attains their goals. If it is possible to reduce your stress by this approach then tell yourself you condone only the results the narcissist achieves, not the person themselves. Helping them succeed might just help you be rid of them…

The third is to walk away. Negotiate a different emphasis to your job, apply for an internal transfer, or, if absolutely necessary, leave the company altogether. These options are not an acceptance of defeat; they are routes to minimising the destructive effect the narcissist has on your well-being.

Most importantly, if you have to make any of these decisions, recognise that at the end of the day you come first because if you’re not happy then you can’t work well. Do not, if you can possibly help it, let your self esteem be the casualty because the damage can have a lasting effect that will undermine your confidence for some time to come – and that means the narcissist has achieved a victory they absolutely don’t deserve!"

I tried the second option (first option would never have worked as she had manipulated them as well to believing that she was truly wonderful) and encouraged her to move on; she did thankfully. It was amazing how much nicer the workplace environment was after she had gone.

sage advice Attila, thank you.

First lie, instigate the disciplinary procedure.
Second lie, instigate the disciplinary procedure.
Third lie, instigate the disciplinary procedure.

Should be gone within a fortnight if you follow through each and every time.

And make sure your boss supports you in every way and document each action you ask her to do.

TwistedReach is obviously in the fortunate position to have never been affected by this condition.

From my early 20s, I worked for 7 years for a woman with NPD. Took me 3 years to realise her true nature and another 4 to escape. She ruined my self esteem, tried to wreck my relationship with my own mother and left me so that I will never work for anybody else again. In some ways that's a huge favour as I now run my own successful little business.

Anyway, just glad you've recognised the issue with your colleague. Although she's not your 'superior' she's obviously still dangerous so I'd just echo above posters by saying don't feed her with any emotions or personal info, keep your distance and just don't tolerate the lies.

Its taken me about three years to realise. I don't like to label people but her attitudes and behaviour tick every box for NPD.

She is just awful but a sad character at the same time which has sometimes led me to feel sorry for her. But, I know I mustn't feel sorry for her.

I think it's par for the course with NPD. They always (ime) come with a good dose of guilt/pity that means they get away with it. In my boss's case it was a life limiting illness.

Won't FunkyBoldRibena's scheme work?

I like to think people can still be sacked for lying and not doing their job.

I found this book really interesting. It's about identifying and coping with covertly aggressive people such as your colleague. Unfortunately the wolves had already savaged me by the time I read it, but at least now I know why (and how to watch out for any more of the same!).

This book may also be of help Komono.

It has been a while since I read it (my sister's behavior) but I remember one point was to acknowledge the difficult one's opinion/perspective but reiterate your stance along with a definitive statement saying (in some form) "this is the way it is going to be".

I have had to distance myself from my sister. The above poster's warnings about protecting your self-esteem are soooo important. Please don't think you are immune.

My sister undermined me so much she applied for maternity leave when I was the one pregnant. Someone told her that HR would honor leave for an employee whose sibling was expecting and the parents were both deceased, (no matter that I was 45/ happily married/ this was my third child). This is also an example of how someone like this will get an idea, decide it is the solution, then shut out any other information/perspectives. Personally, I think she was set up and subsequently laughed at.

Good luck. The ultimate solution is to not be around them. You have my sympathy.