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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't know how to deal with this...

20 replies

ScarletLady02 · 28/11/2013 20:50

Not sure if this is in the right place, maybe someone can relate.

My Mum has terminal cancer (started in the breast, now in the brain/lung/spine etc) and it's in the final stages now...we don't know if she will make it to Christmas. I'm having a hard time dealing with it to be honest. My Mum was always a bright vibrant inspiration to me. She's battled cancer for over 20 years. She's in a hospice now....it's a lovely place and the staff are fantastic.

I just don't know how to be....she looks so scared. Earlier she grabbed my hand and just said "you won't leave will you....I'm so frightened". I don't know how my Dad is soldiering on and being SO strong...I can barely hold it together. We're an incredibly close family and my Mum is the glue...I can't imagine living without her but I know it's going to happen....and soon....

I could really do with chatting to people who have been through this...

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 28/11/2013 20:58

So sorry to read this. My mum died recently. She had dementia so not the same as your mum but distressing nevertheless. Is there someone in the hospice you could talk to? I found that shutting it off for an hour or two helped although easier said than done I know.

Wishing you strength and your mum a peaceful passing.

cjel · 28/11/2013 21:01

So sorry Scarlett. There is a topic called'Bereavement' where you may get mor e help. I haven't been where you are but my MIL went similarly. I think the only thing I'd advise is be real and use the staff to help you reach your ddm in the way you want to. Tell them how hard you are finding it and they will support you through this awful time. You will succeed in getting through.

Olddear · 28/11/2013 21:12

I'm so sorry you are all going through this, especially at this time of year which I always think is all the more poignant. I have lost both parents, my dad had lung/brain cancer, so I can understand what you are experiencing. You sound as though you have a loving and supportive family and somehow you will come through this. It isn't easy, but I promise you will. Please take this time to tell your mum how much you love her, and give her lots of reassurance if she's frightened. I'm holding your hand.....

pogglepop · 28/11/2013 21:18

It is very hard, isn't it?
Mil has just passed away from terminal cancer and we all so hoped that she would have a last Christmas with us all :(
I have found the life limiting illness and bereavement topics here to be really helpful.

Preciousbane · 28/11/2013 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Handywoman · 28/11/2013 21:29

Scarlettlady massive (((hugs))) to you, my mum died from cancer, we have a close family, my mum was the glue, it turned us all upside down. Please try hard to share your feelings, with your Dad, the staff , McMillan, your GP, anyone you can lean on. Try not to 'protect' your family members, just share your feelings when you can. Bereavement section in 'Body and Soul' section is there for you. Love and more (((hugs)))

ITCouldBeWorse · 28/11/2013 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Worriedkat · 28/11/2013 22:11

Been there too. We all cried together. I sought bereavement counselling through the hospice bereavement office (separate to the hospital bereavement service), it quite literally was my saviour. It gave me an outlet to offload without draining my husband, so he could keep going with work, young children etc.

There's no way to make it easier. Just know that you love each other, it's the way it is, and do whatever you need to do whenever you need to do it, as there is no right or wrong way to cope.

lovestea · 28/11/2013 22:47

Scarlett, so very sorry that you are going through this. It is so hard and so painful, and so huge. It's your Mum. Nothing will make it any easier or better. It is awful, and it is the cycle of life.

I lost my wonderful Mum nine years ago to breast cancer, and she also died in a hospice with my Pop and me and my sister by her side. Pop was distraught. They had a very happy 53 year marriage.

The next year was so difficult. We were all so bereaved. She was also the glue of our family and was so loved. But we did carry on, and we did learn to put one foot in front of the other. I miss her terribly, but she had a wonderful, full and happy life, and she died an old lady.

Just be kind to yourself. Allow the feelings to be what they are, and also love the woman that she was. Support those around you that need supporting, but let yourself be supported too. Each day at a time, and always know that she loved you and wanted you to be happy.

She is frightened, and right now you need to strong for her, but the hospice will take very good care of her, and your loving care will carry her and make her safe. Now is the time to just simply be with her as much as you can. That is all you can do.

As ItCouldBeWorse said I also found it lovely to actually look after my Mum at the end.

Thinking of you, and all those that have lost their Mums. Please PM me if you need some support.

Original poster

ScarletLady02 · 29/11/2013 10:55

Thanks so much everyone, your words mean the world to me. The place where she's staying is amazing, I can see the relief in my Dad that he doesn't have to worry about her when he's not there. They met at 15 and 17 and got married a year later....that was 45 years ago so I can only imagine how hard it must be for him. I think part of him wants her to just let go but she's so damn tough it's hard for her to do that. We always joked that she was like the Terminator and would probably outlive the lot of us!

One of the hard things is knowing whether to take my DD up there to see her. She's nearly 3 and she did visit when my Mum was in hospital but now Mum is quite confused and not really like the Nan she knows and loves, so I think it might be disconcerting for her....but then part of me thinks Mum would love to see her as well. I'm going up there with my sister tomorrow, hopefully we can raise a smile or two.....she was always happy and good humoured even in the face of all this.

OP posts:

bragmatic · 29/11/2013 11:07

I went through the same thing. My mum got her secondary almost 30 years after her first cancer. She actually died quite suddenly - pneumonia caused by chemo annihilating her immune system. We got the call and I went straight in. She hung on for a few days and I decided not to bring the kids in. But she was in ICU, rather than a hospice. Plus she was in an induced coma for a lot of the time.

It was shit, frankly. But you get through it.

Meerka · 29/11/2013 11:46

|So sorry to this, scarlett

I would say make sure you give yoruself enough time to grieve what's coming and to simply think it over. Give yourself space and time and then, be there for your mum as much as you are able, balancing your own needs and that of your family.

Personally I think it's a difficult decision about your daughter at 3. Perhaps take her but keep it short? And ask her how she found it afterwards. If she didnt find it too frightening, then it would be ok to take her again

Shellywelly1973 · 29/11/2013 13:00

Scarlett we lost my mil to lung cancer 10 weeks ago. She was omly diagnosed 7 weeks before she died. It had already spread from the lungs, to her brain & liver. After the initial diagnosis - we had her for 9 days. She then deteriorated rapidly as her brain began to swell.

If I could go back I'd tell her how much I loved her. I'd have had an early scan so I could tell her that her newest gc was a girl. I'd hug her...

With regards to your daughter- I decided when no one would benefit from a visit that it wasn't worth doing. My mil very quickly stopped recognising family members & it was distressing for them & for mil so I would say to people- come by all means but your visiting for your benefit as mil won't know you.

Take care. Your in a hard place right now. I coped well whilst I was busy but since the funeral I've found it terribly hard.

Be kind to yourself.

TeenyW123 · 29/11/2013 13:05

It sounds like your mum could do with a talk from a professional carer, e.g. Macmillan nurse, to try and allay her fears about death and dying.

I recently lost a friend to breast cancer. She wasn't scared of dying. She did have faith though, and I wonder whether that helped her. Her end was peaceful, which I am grateful for. No more suffering.

Teeny

lapetitesiren · 29/11/2013 13:11

As teeny says, your mum needs a bit of help to ease her fears. So someone for the practical side and someone emotionally/ faith. If shes a believer someone from her faith but there should be a chaplain available and even if shes a non believer these people can provide great comfort. If your mum feels less scared you will feel and cope better.
I hope shes comfortable and can find peace.

Andy1964 · 29/11/2013 13:37

Lost my Mum to cancer nearly three years ago now.
I still miss her.
My thoughts and love are with you

xxxxx

Preciousbane · 29/11/2013 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ScarletLady02 · 29/11/2013 18:56

My Mum was very much at peace with things a couple of months ago....she even said to me she was happy to go now as all her children are grown and happy...She's had a VERY long time to come to terms with things...it's recurred numerous times and it's been present and managed this time alone for a few years. Easier in a way, but now it's hard because we got so used to getting bad news and her bouncing back with a smile on her face.

It's just like the final cruel twist of the knife that the cancer is now affecting her brain like this. She doesn't remember those conversations she had with us...she keeps forgetting there's anything even wrong with her.

OP posts:

Solo · 29/11/2013 19:13

A little different in that it was Dad, not Mum, but I lost him 4 years ago now to lung cancer. Dad passed away at home which was his wish, but he did have 2 weeks in a hospice for respite and to get all the hospital equipment installed at home. The hospice was a wonderful place.

Mum and Dad were married 46 years too. Mum cared for Dad until the end and I was there every day (bar one) for 3 months. They both appreciated it. My Dd was about the same age as yours, so was also there every day with me. Dad loved to see her and yes, he did get confused at times, but I think little ones accept things far easier than we do and adjust to the moment.

Is your Mum religious in any way? My Dad found peace talking to a priest in his last weeks; I think it made going easier for him. Perhaps your Mum would like to do that too?
I hope things are gentle for your Mum in her last days.

Take care of yourself and remember to eat, drink and breathe.

yorkshirewoman · 29/11/2013 19:39

My youngest sister died 6 years ago and it sounds my sister had exactly the form of cancer that your mother has.
Your mother will be frightened - my sister was but she never really talked about it - I think one of the best things you can do is just physically to be there - hold her hand - you don't really need to talk. I did this with my sister in her last few days - I don't know who it helped more - me or her.
It kept us connected.
Look after yourself - its tough but I was so glad I was with her till the end.

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