inner child healing, insight and row with boyfriend

[misspineapple]

Had a terrible row last night with partner of 3 years (seems to be happening every 2 weeks now). We both had had a little to drink, me 2 glasses of wine, him 3 pints and a whisky.

I felt everything he had said to me all evening was very aggressively put; I had tried to ignore it. When we got home, He started to ask me about why I felt my childhood was so awful and why I had been assuming that his childhood was good/ok. I said because he didn’t ever mention the terrible pain inside that I have problems with (abandonment issues) and am currently trying to face my inner child and heal myself. He has not suffered the neglect as a child that I had, his family are all lovely and close.

I felt he was just being horrible to me, teasing me and belittling all the gentle trusting opening up conversations where I had shared painful memories. I threw my wine across the room I couldn’t cope with the burning rage that irrupted from inside me!!!!! Not sure where that came from,,,,, from being disbelieved by my trusted person ???I went to bed crying and alone. I am so raw, the realization of the damage my past has done to me, the past abusive relationships that I have rein acted because of my childhood. I’m trying to escape the damage and dysfunction…. It’s painful,,, my mind is being opened up,,, Insight I guess

Reading that back,,, all I can think is ,,,blah blah blah it doesn’t matter,,, this relationship is over as there is no understanding or respect is there? And my trust in him is gone? I don’t feel like apologising, I think he was pressing my buttons. (Although I am mortified at my reaction)

Why can nobody support me??? Why am I always hurt the most when I’m at my most needy? co-dependant i guess

I am a working mum who is financially secure,, a strong independent woman but all my relationships seem to bring me down despite me striving to understand others and myself.

I am currently reading john Bradshaw home coming. I have just finished a parenting coarse. I suspect I am co dependant; I am trying to deal with it. … . . My heart is in the right place but my behaviour isn’t is it if I’m throwing wine???
How bad is this,,, prospective please…

Hi OP, I'm really sorry that you're suffering at the moment. I can relate to the rage - it's incredibly hurtful when you're trusting someone and they don't seem to be hearing you. If it feels like he was pushing your buttons, then I think you should trust that instinct. It sounds like you have a huge amount of trauma to recover from - you need people around you who will make that easier, not harder.

Re the wine-throwing - you recognise that it's not great. There's nothing wrong with feeling rage and anger but you do have a choice in how you express it. However, the really important thing is that you're mortified and you realise it was a dangerous way to express your feelings - that sounds to me like a healthy reaction to a momentary loss of control.

Personally, what works for me is seeing a psychotherapist. It's the hardest, most painful work I've ever done but it's helping me to understand mysef better, to understand the damage that my parents have done to me and the impact of all of that on my relationships. And it's helping me to move on - sllllllooooooow progress but so worth it.

I hope you're ok today. Please keep posting

I'm sorry but I think you're confusing 'partner' with 'therapist'. If he's had enough listening about your terrible childhood is that really so unreasonable? Partners can only be supportive to a point before they start feeling drained by it all and wondering 'what am I getting out of this?'. Rage and throwing wine across rooms is unacceptable behaviour.

If you want proper support with a psychological problem, please get professional help rather than dumping on a partner.

Very harsh response@Cogito.

The best relationships are those when each partner is able to step up and provide unconditional love and support to the other when they are going through traumatic times. This time it is the OP who is dealing with inner turmoil...next time, it may be her turn to support her partner.

Recovering from childhood neglect or abuse is tremendously painful. I do think you would benefit from proper therapy, OP. But I also think it is worth attempting a calm, non alchohol-fuelled conversation at some future point about how you are feeling and what he can do to support you. If you can show him that you are taking constructive steps to healing yourself (e.g. Committing to therapy?) and are asking only for support, NOT magic answers, then he may find the whole thing less difficult to deal with, perhaps.

Good luck.

Thank you for your kind insightful words, i cried reading them x lotta

This insight stuff is making me feel like Billie piper from Dr who when she looked into the vortex.

I do think my partner was pushing my buttons and deliberately being awkward. He has done this once before a few moths ago for the first time. He is also not always like that, so it shows up as not normal. I think he was goading me....drink fueled ...

I do need a psychologist dont i..... i thought i was strong enough to deal with this stuff but it just keeps opening up more painful things for me'

Allowing/encouraging myself be vulnerable so that i can hear my inner voice is effecting me enormously,,,,, to be vulnerable ,,,, thats when the nasty people with no kindness strike isnt it ... why do they do it,,,

I disagree with you Hawt, some issues require specialist therapy which her partner can't provide in this case.

You do need a psychologist. Your DP is not a therapist

'i thought i was strong enough to deal with this stuff but it just keeps opening up more painful things for me'

Please don't be hard on yourself. Acknowledging that you need support to deal with this does not make you weak. I cannot recommend psychotherapy enough - just be prepared for it to be a long-term thing and be aware that at times it can throw up more questions than answers.

Fine, your DP is not your therapist but the suggestion that he was 'pushing your buttons' is a worrying one. It's not down to him to fix your problems but it's not acceptable for him to be deliberately making things harder for you either.

BTW.... 'nasty people with no kindness' can just be normal people who find deep psychological problems in others too much to deal with. If you're focusing too much on your inner voice you may be coming across as extremely self-absorbed, and that's no fun to live with, no matter how much sympathy you have for someone.

Disgaree with what?

I said she probably needs therapy. The support of a loving partner through that would also be great, though, no? Seeing as they are together and love each other?

I agree with you Hawt - OP should be able to expect support from her partner. Why would it be ok for him to not be supportive? And there's nothing unacceptable about feeling rage or expressing it in ways that don't hurt you or other people. OP already said she's mortified about how she acted on her feelings.

Im aware of co dependence and think i have been expecting too much emotional support from my present and past partners. i have had counselling in the past but it was during emergency times for survival.

I will try to find a physiologist asap, i do want to sort me out so much

Last night my partner initiated the conversation about my childhood not me. Thats why i thought, oh he is interested and then quickly went to omg he is going to emotionally assassinate me by discrediting all my hard fought feelings. i literally saw red,,, not normal for me.

I have realised he is not my Councillor , i realised that at the time when i realized i may be co dependent, i made that connection then.

OP, google 'BACP' which will give you a list of counsellors and psychotherapists in your area

It's a brave decision - good luck with it. The will to feel better is so important.

I would strongly reccomend codependent anonymous meetings, they are free and so powerful for the over whelming feelings you get when you get a codependent attack (speaking from exp.) A book called the language of letting go is a life saver to me.
Healing from codependence doesn't mean discounting your string feelings or judging yourself for feeling a lit of pain when you feel rejected/misunderstood.
It's rxtremely simple and you can recover very quickly if you meet your personal social physical and emitional needs every hour (like how a great mother would do)
You'll be amazed at hiw quickly you feel grounded and able to decipher what is your DP's 'stuff' and wat's yours.
The chances are that your DP may have his own issues but they're his responsability to seek help for.
Another aspect if codependence is putting ithers at the centre if your life and therefore being bluwn about bu whatever mood they are in. In recivery you wont experience this because you will be so buoyed by your own high well being that other's wont affect you.
Good luck as well with finding a top psycotherapyst (also worth every penny!)