Understanding myself???

[needinsight]

Hi Guys

Regular poster but NC for this as I am going to spill....& apologies it is going to be long as not to drip feed.
I am trying to figure out why I keep going for the same type guy, namely lying cheating cowards...

Background my DD left my DM when I was five, he left due to her lying cheating ways, after he left he did have contact with me and I loved him very much ,and to me he was a pretty decent dad ,he died when I was 10,my home life with my DM from when my DD left was crap, my DM was abusive neglectful and I never felt she loved me, my childhood was pretty crap and I now have no contact at all with DM for last 10 years.

I am good at the bit if you hurt me bad I will go NC as I will not have someone in my life who is like that. At least I get that bit right.

Now to the bit I keep getting wrong and I need to figure out what is wrong with me to keep doing this over and over again.

First BF (young love) cheated on me, I dumped him and moved on, next relationship first DH he also cheated on me, we limped on for a few years (pre mumsnet) but ultimately the love and trust was gone and I grew to hate him, I left him and got a divorce for the reason cheating, as ultimately this is what broke our marriage. In the next few years I had three BFs two cheated I am sure of this,& one didn’t ,to my knowledge.

Present day : I met my second DH fell in love and got married, 12 happy years followed until I found evidence of him cheating (sexual and emotional messages to another woman over the whole 12 years) to my knowledge he has not cheated physically, but well I don’t think I am the best judge of this.

I need to know why I keep repeating this pattern ,my heart is broken , I feel like the world’s greatest fool, I have always valued non cheating as the upmost quality in a relationship and I have never cheated in my whole life.
I cannot see any pattern in the men I go for; they were all different nationalities different background, different interests, the only thing I can see is I thought that all of them were good family men who were very unlikely to cheat.

Please help me to understand myself......

It's always tempting to look for patterns. You can simply be really unlucky. I know you're wondering what it is about you that makes the men in your life not want to be with you exclusively, but maybe the common denominator is that you want to see 'good family man' and you excuse or ignore or overlook the little signals that say someone has a roving eye?

'Red flags' get mentioned here a lot however IME there is no one type when it comes to cheats. My own marriage ended with an OW and I've been single long enough since to have experienced quite a few MM with fidelity problems! Some are charming and persistent but the big-mouth flirty 'ladies' man' is as good a candidate as the softly-spoken respectful sort. Most are opportunistic & selfish rather than malicious. Some are romantics looking for true love. Others lust. In other words anyone can be a cheat.

May be it's not you....maybe it's them and you have been unlucky?

Honestly I think an internet forum is unlikely to unlock any knowledge of yourself to explain it...if there is a reason then likely it is deeply buried in the emotional availability/self preservation that you have developed through your childhood and subsequent experiences. Proper good counselling might help you explore this...but you are talking about only 3 men...the reasons really might just be them and their selfishness.

Hope you find a way to move forward....and you are not the worlds greatest fool, it is not foolish to trust people to keep the promises they make

Hi CogitoErgoSometimes: maybe you are correct, maybe I am just desperately overlooking the red flags in order to get the happy family I so desire. I just can’t see them in first DH or BF 1 & 2,BF 3 and second DH I can see some.

Hi foolonthehill: Sorry I was not clear its five men out of 6 who cheated. I have had 6 relationships and five have cheated ):

There are not necessarily red flags. Cheating is easily hidden. Cheats can be perfectly nice, respectable people at home. Affairs can go on for years undetected. If you're not suspicious and you're not looking for problems you won't find any. Maybe all you need to develop is a healthy cynicism? A less trusting default?

cheating is their problem, not yours. we shouldn't have to be suspicious...although perhaps we do have to be. I don;t think most cheats come with red flags flying...it's easy to hide a wandering eye and to excuse it as "normal" when it become cheating the secrecy is already a habit.

Build yourself up as best you can. You deserve better, and it was their fault not yours.

thanks ladies,my new plan : develop a healthy cynicism & build myself up, I will work on this.xx

Are you assertive and expressive in relationships or do you hold back and look for a lot of validation?

Hi Callin I am assertive in the context if I am not happy I will speak up & I am not a walk over, but I am easy going and don’t stress a lot of things. I don’t need constant validation but I do like closeness and to be told that I am loved every so often. I say to my DH and DCs each day that I love them, it is who I am.
I do get the feeling from my first DH and second DH that they were shocked that I would think cheating is a sack able offense. They both thought that I was the type of person to forgive this as I loved them so much. The must have seen something in me to give them this impression. They now know differently...

Have you asked your current dh what made him think cheating would be ok? It's very strange that they would think that - monogamy seems to be the most basic requirement of a marriage!

first DH felt I should forgive me (get over it) as he was a good provider,this is honestly his take on things.

Second DH does not agree he cheated even though he contacted multiple woman via the internet to share sex & emotional emails.

It's very odd that they both had such an attitude to cheating. Were they quite selfish?