A net break with parents - how do you cope with it?

[Blueberrypots]

I had a very abusive childhood - the sort of very loving and then very abusive relationship - emotional and physical - and as a result I left home to come to the UK when I was 18. I was desperate to leave. My brother followed me when he was 17 and I largely looked after him until he was older.

Since having my own family I always tried to visit and keep a relationship, mainly as I am a very sensitive and forgiving character but also because I hoped that distance would be a healer and would make them better people. I also felt as an adult they could not touch me physically anymore.

This was 22 years ago. Roll on 22 years and their behaviour towards me is largely the same. Whilst I am semi-immune to it, it still hurts but now that the children are older (DD1 is 9) they are starting to observe things. my DD1 has observed that her grandma (who she loves) isn't very nice to mummy and has started to show some not very nice behaviours to my DD1 too. (I think they love smaller children but as soon as they develop a personality, problems start).

The abusive behaviour comes in the form of constant bad moods when I visit, and abusive phone calls about stuff - small things like something I chose for the children or said to someone to big stuff like not talking to me every time I announced I was pregnant because "it wasn't the right time/right thing to do". They are still trying to control every aspect of my life.

I don't know why but I have suddenly come to breaking point. I dread every visit and I spend most of my holidays wishing I was back at home/back at work. So following the enth abusive email, I have decided to cut all links. I wrote an email saying I would and why but the response was (predictably) that they are fully entitled to express opinions on me and I have pshychological problems if I take it so badly.

I feel terribly upset about cutting all links with my family but it is something I feel I have to do now, I know the younger children will be upset as they are fond of their grandparents and could never understand what they put me through.

I just wonder if anyone has been through a similar scenario and how they coped with it. I am finding it terribly hard. My DH is very supportive by the way, and thinks I should have done it years ago.

I can give you the perspective of someone who is the DC of someone who dropped contact with an abusive parent. In short, it didn't affect me at all having no contact with this particular grandparent. I didn't understand the reasons why initially (and I was more curious than anything else) but, as I got older and heard some of the stories, I could see the rationale

My DM was the one dropping contact. I think it affected her over the years but since Granny Dearest only ever called to cadge money, she knew she'd done the right thing. It caused a few problems in the wider family. We declined various invitations to family events for example.

The nasty old bat died a few years ago, DM & DB attended out of a sense of duty, but I didn't see the point.

Thanks for that, CogitoErgoSometimes. It is a relief to know my children may one day understand.

I understand now as an adult but, just to be clear, as a kid I really didn't care. I had another grandmother who was the classic white-haired sweet old thing that slipped you biscuits before meals and attended your school plays. I was more than OK gran-wise and we got on famously. :) So the other one was just some random old lady that we never saw and it was only if she cropped up in conversation (rare) that I asked questions. I had plenty of other things to do as a kid.