Hi
Firstly, I want advice. I have beaten myself up over all this and feel bad enough already. I realise some people are going to slag me off and thats fine, but I cannot see my way through this mess clearly and need a third party viewpoint.
My husband is emotionally distant. He actually has diagnosed behavioural problems. He cannot express feelings or give any emotional support. We have been married for 19 years. All this time I have been utterly alone. I have raised a child with Autism and it has been very difficult to do this and put all my needs aside for many, many years.
We married late, in our 30's, more out of convenience than love. We had been friends since we were both 19 and despite being out of touch for around 10 years, we eventually met up, both on the shelf, so decided to get married for the companionship really. I never 'fell in love' with him and he cannot express emotion, so it was, truly, a loveless marriage. We don't have any sex life. He prefers online porn but tells me he is impotent. My husband is very 'needy'. He cannot do anything for himself and needs constant 'mothering'. He can't cook, wash, clean or babysit. He works, but spends all his free time playing computer games, like a teenager. He is very miserly and complains about the smallest bill even though he earns a reasonable wage. He has never bought me a birthday or christmas gift because 'it's a waste of money'.We had no social life. All my friends gradually dropped away and we lived in an isolated place. So basically I have absolutely zero friends, no job since child was born and stuck at home for the last 12 years.
I was not unhappy as such, just drifting along as a Mum. My husband was never there for important things with the school, medical stuff. I even went through a cancer scare totally alone and had to deal with it all myself and keeping it from my child. Very stressfull.
So, anyway. Out of the blue I met this man. He wasn't even good looking or physically attractive but for some reason I couldn't resist him I had never actually been in love before and it hit me like a bombshell. I was totally in shock, I had never experienced such feelings before. I am 50, so I am not a 'child'. I fell, completely and utterly for this guy and did nothing for a year. Then I was stupid enough to tell him I had feelings for him. He said he was flattered and that he found me very attractive. He wasn't married.
Well, you know where this is going. I had an affair with him. He was everything I had ever dreamed of. Intelligent, funny, independent, passionate. He liked the same things I did. He was fabulous in bed. I was smitten. I felt wanted, needed and loved. We could only share a few moments every time we met because of my family commitments and he told me he felt guilty that we were keeping it from my husband and said he could not be the one to split up our marriage. I told him I understood. We finished the affair despite the strong attraction. But it made me realise I was living a lie and that I needed to sort out my life.
I told my husband about the affair. Strangely, he accepted it, even spoke to the man to tell him there were no hard feelings. He asked me if I wanted a divorce and I said yes. I told him I couldn't give up my lover. He said he understood
He had been going out in the evenings, he said it was with work colleagues, but I thought it was strange after 19 years of no social life. One night he rang to say he was staying out all night. I found out afterwards that night he slept at his ex girlfriends and that he had been seeing her for some time and making arrangements with her to go to his family gatherings etc. Now I understood why he had taken my affair so well! He sent her 92 texts in a week, some while I was coddling him at home because he had manflu. So yes, I was a pissed off.
Anyway, suddenly he was back at the house and refusing to sort out anything. He said he was going to move out then he refused. He said he was going to buy another house but has done nothing to find one. I told him to buy me out of my half of this house,( he can afford to) so I could get a small house with my child but he just sits around doing nothing at all.
We began to argue and it all got a bit horrible to be honest. I told him it is best to have an amicable split and he agreed. Since then he just mopes around the house and makes my child very unhappy. My child has never liked his Dad and says he is always trying to 'get him on his side' whenever they are alone for 5 minutes. He's pissing me off Mum, he said. (he's a teen now).
So, tell me guys, what do I do now? I miss my lover so much it hurts but I know we can't be together in any circumstance. We stay away from each other now but it's for the best.
I just want to see a clear way forward that is the least disruptive to my son because he has his GCSE's soon and he is lucky to be able to get any what with his Autism. I don't want to ruin his chances. My son told me he wanted me to be happy because he could see I loved this other man. He knew about it all, nothing was kept secret.
I don't have any family to go and stay with, they are all dead now. I have no savings to rent anywhere because I have been a SAHM for the past 12 years and my husband only gives a small housekeeping, which doesn't go far.
What do I do?