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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So Confused

24 replies

jennyl14 · 28/11/2013 07:05

I am currently in a relationship with someone that I met off of the internet and it was going really really well.

The problem is that he still lives with his ex-partner and his children because he cannot afford to move out of the house and it is too soon to come and live with me. I was ok with it at first but as our feelings have grown it is bringing out so many insecurities in me and it is affecting every aspect of the relationship and I am actually driving him away now, I even think I have now, which is making my insecurities worse as I am now panicking about losing him, that he has met someone else, I am constantly checking my phone and checking to see if he is on whatsapp online and if he is wondering who he is talking to, its become a sort of obsession and to be honest I don't even know if its worth it but because I suffer with rejection issues, it is making me ten times worse even though he probably isn't right for me.

I even phoned his work to check that he was telling me the truth about being at work and he found out and has gone absolutely berserk and is saying that I am dangerous and he doesn't know what I am capable of anymore and that I have issues and he doesn't want to be part of all that - I really don't know what to do because obviously now he has backed off, I am going on all desperate, I should never of got involved with him in the first place but at the moment I can't stop it and its making me ill and by the way I'm not a little girl, I'm 46 years old and should know better and be more secure with myself.

Please help me to try and deal with this, any advise would be welcome.

OP posts:

Original poster

jennyl14 · 28/11/2013 07:05

I am currently in a relationship with someone that I met off of the internet and it was going really really well.

Please help me to try and deal with this, any advise would be welcome.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/11/2013 07:31

I think you should walk away from this. His domestic arrangements are causing you huge insecurity and anxiety, quite understandably. The internet is full of men that 'haven't quite left' their partners etc A set-up like that is simply not good for you, especially if it's making you ill. I don't like the sound of someone who 'goes beserk' even if he thought you calling his workplace was intrusive.

He wants to end things so you have to drop contact and urgently find ways to stop obsessing. Do you have friends you can be with? Other things to do? A job? If you're really finding this very stressful that it's making you ill then do consider talking to your GP. If you have rejection issues already then probably stay out of dating until you have addressed your low self-esteem and feel more confident.

Original poster

jennyl14 · 28/11/2013 07:53

I know and that is the problem I have because at the moment he is calling the shots, I go into panic mode and was practically begging him yesterday to give us another chance and not let me go but I think he wants to anyway and is just looking for an excuse now. He is being very cold towards me and ignoring messages that I have sent him.

The only reason I called his work the other day was because he told me he was working all day on Saturday and I just knew it wasn't true, we were on the phone and he was joking with me saying about me going to do his afternoon shift and that he was shattered etc. but I could tell he was lying, so I called and they said he wasn't in. It turned out that he went in in the morning and had family stuff to do in the afternoon but never told me cause I would of said well you could of come to me etc. because he was supposed to be taking off Saturday to spend it with me but said he couldn't get the day off, he won't even accept the fact that he lied to me just that I am dangerous because I called his work.

I do work and I have friends but at the moment all that is going out the window, my poor son doesn't know if we're coming or going

OP posts:

Vivacia · 28/11/2013 08:01

Take control of this situation, you sound as though you're in a tailspin. I would go absolutely cold turkey on this relationship. You've overstepped his boundaries, he's asked you to leave him alone, you need to walk away.

Original poster

jennyl14 · 28/11/2013 08:05

I am in a complete tailspin - when you say I've overstepped his boundaries what do you mean - he hasn't completely asked me to leave him alone though cause he's still dangling that carrot as if to say "well maybe we could give it another chance"

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/11/2013 08:10

The problem here, I suspect, is that you fear loneliness. So you put up with the lies and you sit by the phone obsessing etc because you don't feel you have other options. I don't know how long you've been seeing each other but have you ever been to his home? Met his ex partner? Kids?

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 28/11/2013 08:13

This bloke went berserk and called you dangerous because he is still very much in a relationship with the woman he is living with and doesn't want her to find out about you

That is my take on this

Original poster

jennyl14 · 28/11/2013 08:20

Yes I fear loneliness but feel alone at the moment and I am with him!! We have been seeing each other for eight months, not that long and at the beginning it was great and its like we've known each other for ever but no I haven't been to his house or met his kids because they don't know about me, he said his ex-partner does but the children don't yet.

My other fear is that he is still involved with the woman he lives with, he said the other day "I don't know what you will do next, I'll come home and find you sitting outside my house".

I want to walk away but at the moment I am gripped and seized with complete panic because I don't feel that I am in control of the situation because he will say well I didn't want you anyway - I feel so vulnerable

OP posts:

MadBusLady · 28/11/2013 08:22

Why say anything then? He's a nasty lying shit whose partner/wife is blissfully unaware they have "broken up", I wouldn't bother telling him you're walking away. Just do it. Make the decision today you're going no contact and stick to it. That is what will put you back in control.

RollerCola · 28/11/2013 08:24

I agree with Mist. The guy hasn't split up from his wife. He's still living with her and doing 'family things'

Sorry but it sounds like you are the OW and now he's realised how serious you are he's panicking that his wife is going to find out so he's cooled off.

You need to walk away, the guy isn't available and is not able to give you the attention you need. Maybe he is separated but until they actually live apart you won't be able to stop feeling this way. And even then he'll still have to see her all the time as she is the mother of his children. That's the way it will always be if you date someone with young children, you need to accept and get used to that, or date a child-free man.

Hope you're ok, keep posting here for support.

captainmummy · 28/11/2013 08:24

mist said it exactly. He is having an affair with you, not breaking up with his wife.

He;s had a bit of fun, now you are getting a bit clingy and serious and he wants out. (Oh and if he hasn;t actually said he wants to split with you - it's because he thinks he can still get sex with you, no strings, no commitment. That's what he was after in the first place, Jenny.)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/11/2013 08:25

I think your fears are justified quite honestly. He's already warned you off coming to his house and gone beserk at you calling him at work. He may be legitimate but those are classic techniques to keep the DW and the OW far apart. No wonder you don't trust him.

For your own sanity and self-respect I think you have to say to him that, even though you like him, it's not working. If he says 'I didn't want you anyway' you have a bit of a cry, a glass of and then you roll up your sleeves and get on with your life.

Vivacia · 28/11/2013 08:27

I wouldn't bother telling him you're walking away. Just do it

This.

Original poster

jennyl14 · 28/11/2013 08:29

I have said to him that I feel like the other woman and yes I think your all right, its got serious and he has backed off big time and yes he has had his fun with me and I am of no use to him now - I know until he moves out I am always going to feel this way, it has to end I know that

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/11/2013 08:32

See this is a learning experience and an opportunity for personal growth. The fear of rejection is often worse than the reality. If you take the initiative you will feel better about it than if you sit around biting your nails, waiting for the axe to fall. Do you have friends you can be with? Talk to?

RollerCola · 28/11/2013 08:42

As horrible as it is to accept, please know that he probably doesn't have any intention of leaving his wife You are fun for him, he was probably looking for someone to make his life more exciting and you did that.

But you want more than just a bit of fun and he doesn't. It's shit but that's just the way some people are. Be the better man here. Walk away with your head high, you deserve MUCH better than this.

Instead of hanging on wondering what his next move will be, walk away. The Love of your Life may just be around the corner - someone who loves you for who you are and will do anything for you. Leave now and don't waste any more time on this player. You're much better than this.

Original poster

jennyl14 · 28/11/2013 08:49

thanks so much for all your lovely comments and advice, I know I have to walk away that is for sure - I have been through too much over the last couple of years after suffering breast cancer back in 2010 and I know I deserve so much better its just my low self-esteem that makes me believe I'm not worth anything but I will get there

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/11/2013 09:02

I'm sure, if we put our collective MN heads together, we could come up with some fabulous man-free ways to boost your self-esteem. :)

MadBusLady · 28/11/2013 09:02

Oh I'm sorry, you've been through a shit time.

This is one thing I have noticed about self-esteem: to some extent it's good to recognise that you have a problem, but I think it can also become a label that stops you behaving differently. "Oh well I have low self-esteem, that's why I can't do xyz" type of thing.

But actually, high self-esteem isn't some mystical state you'll achieve if you sit around thinking about self-esteem and waiting for it to improve. It's a series of actions that are taken with your own high value in mind. That's all it is. People with high self-esteem don't necessarily feel ecstatically happy all the time - they too get rejected and face setbacks. But they choose behaviour that they know is good for them. You can start doing that today, and the first time will be the hardest.

If you decide to go no contact with this guy (or tell him it's over, whichever seems the "healthier" choice) you'll feel shitty and tearful and uncertain for a while, and so would a person with high self-esteem, because it's shit for anyone when a relationship ends that you had hopes for. But you'll have performed an action that shows you value yourself and that will make a difference to your thinking next time round. I think high self-esteem is just a series of such actions. That is what Cogito means by an opportunity for growth.

bestsonever · 28/11/2013 10:12

Don't get rejected, do the rejecting and let him go - that is being in control. I have come across men who still live with their partners with OD but I see this as a red flag and would never start something with anyone in that situation as you only have their word to go on and anyone can lie.
The obsessing and keeping tabs on him just shows that you are not in a healthy mental place about yourself generally and perhaps should not be considering online dating as you have to more secure and confident to do it successfully.
Putting a relationship before family and friends is never the right way to go and will not be appreciated by any man unless he is a control freak. People like their partners to be able to stand on their own two feet rather than leaning on them all the time for reassurance, until you can do that, quit dating.

OneMoreChap · 28/11/2013 10:13

Sorry, you're the OW.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/11/2013 10:13

"Putting a relationship before family and friends "

There's a difference between that and dating someone for 8 months, keeping them at a suspiciously long distance and then spinning them a load of bullshit about ex-partners and only staying together for the children.

Meerka · 28/11/2013 10:41

I can see this two ways.

Like everyone else, it sounds very suspicious with the living with ex and kids, and the lies. Does sound to me like you're the bit on the side.

The other way of looking at it is that he's trying to build something with you but that he knows you are insecure, therefore he didnt tell you about sat afternoon. Then you rang at his work and I can really understand that he would find that intrusive. However, its possible he lied becuase you were clingy.

Being the OW does sound a lot more likely tho.

Either way, he is not the man for you.

But tbh, sorry to say that you sound desperate and very insecure and that is going to be hard for any bf to handle. ( Your situatoin is very understandable given the last few years; I'm meaning this as an outside observatoin not as criticism.) This guy isnt the right one for you, whatever the truth of his situation, but you need to try to increase your self-confidence and your ability to be independent. I would recommend some navel gazing for a time, but also trying to be friends with some men without getting romantically involved. And what other posters said, some hobbies and acting like someone who values themselves. Fake it until you make it, and if that is a bit too diffiuclt then come counselling. Good luck :) im sure things will get better in time

IdontwantcockaleekyIwantcress · 28/11/2013 17:59

I would recommend finding your nearest codependents anonymous meeting, it's free and it sounds like you are ill with issues of codependency, you can recover from these intense feelings, but if you need relief I would recommend the works on-line of Pia Melody and Melody Beattie.. Good luck.

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