Help! A friend is in a scary situation

[EllieInTheRoom]

She's just called me from her bedroom...her DH is downstairs and on the rampage. Last night they argued, he pushed her and held her by the arms and threatened her.

Tonight he said he wishes he'd hit her. He's never outright hit her before but when she was pregnant last year he pinned her down during a row. She bit his arm to get him off her and since then he has told her she is the violent one. Their relationship is really worrying.

Ive told her to call 101, she's scared to go to sleep. She wont get the kids and come to mine because thinks he wont let her. She doesn't want to call the police, she doesn't seem to think its bad enough.

Tomorrow, he goes into hospital for a short procedure. I have suggested the lock change/bacon doorstep manoeuvre.

She's worried she can't legally do this. The house was hers but she put him on the mortgage when they got married.

She can get him out can't she? How can she do it?

*bag on not bacon

I should add she has told him to get out but he won't leave

Phone the police. She sound like she is in danger.

call the police!

Definitely. Call the police and tell them your friend is being assaulted & has had to bite him in self-defence. There are children in the house and they are at risk

She sounds like old me and he sounds like my ex... she needs to do what I stupidly didn't do and call the police then change locks tomoz!

Surely if its only the mortgage she put him on and not the house deeds then its still her house?

The house ownership is a red herring. She's under attack and entitled to take any and all reasonable steps to defend herself and her family. I hope the OP has done the right thing

If she calls the police, it will be on record- I think it makes it easier to get him out of the house in the future.

It's 999 in these situations, not 101.

It she feels she or the kids are in danger then it's 999. That's why it's there. Better to call and have a couple of
Bobby's turn up on the doorstep than
To be too afraid to sleep in your own home. Might get him
Sent elsewhere for the evening and give her some space to think/breathe/sleep

999 has she done it ?

Call 999 yourself and give the address.
Now.

We didnt phone the police. She really didnt want me too. Kept saying he hadn't actually done anything yet. Exactly, YET!!

I couldn't go and help as I was an hour away with a chicken poxy DS. She did agree to call his brother who came round. Apparently he got less supportive after he got there. Obviously thought she was overreacting.

Anyway, she came here with the kids in the end.

She's worried about going back to the house. And about how to get him out. She thinks he hasn't done anything wrong except make her feel scared.

Back me up, the pushing the night before last is assault isn't it? As is pinning her down all those months ago? And threatening behaviour?

Maybe if I got her to call women's aid they would make her see she is perfectly entitled to go to the police and they can get her safely in the house. Or should she get legal advice before that?

Of course it's assault. She's terrified. A lot of victims are reluctant to report. They don't want to get their abuser in trouble. 'He's a good Dad' 'He'll lose his job' 'He didn't actually hit me yet' ... all kinds of rationales. But the truth is that, by involving the police, she can not only live more safely with her DCs but it also unlocks other help. For example, if she wants to divorce the man, the record of DV will be significant when it comes to Legal Aid, access to the children and so on

Womens Aid is a good idea.

Sorry let's try again

Definite assault.
Needs reporting so there is a record.

+1 for Women's Aid

Am totally gutted, she's gone back. He agreed to stay away tonight. He's gone into hospital for his procedure then going
To stay in a travel lodge tonight.

No women's aid, no police report, no lock change.

She says now everything has calmed down she believes that he didnt mean it when he said he wanted to hit her. She thinks although he is a big bloke and throws his weight around, he won't hurt her. Despite how scared she was.

She also said she understands why he threatened her because she told him she wished he'd die of cancer. Jesus Christ the plot thickens.

So tomorrow he'll go home.

Somehow I don't think it'll all be ok! But thanks for your input all

next time she calls you to say he's been violent. call 999!

Sadly, it often takes several bad experiences before someone gets the courage together to escape their abuser. If she tells you again that he's being violent call the police and don't even ask her permission.

I just worry that if I do something like that and go against her will, she will stop coming to me for support. I am the only person she's got really.

But of course, if she phoned me again in danger I will def do the right thing

:(