Lying about cheating for years, can I trust him ever again?

[fuckthisthinginparticular]

Can I give you a bit of background? My partner and I first got together eight years ago, a year into our relationship he cheated at a party when he was drunk, he seemed so guilty the next day so I asked him if anything had happened, he told me he kissed and groped a girl and we had a massive fallout as we had been through so much together already and I never in a million years expected it. Anyway, we stayed together and over the next 6 months I found out little bits of info about that night and how much contact they had had since, I had to literally drag every last thing he admitted out of him, I still never felt like I knew the whole truth.
Cue years of mistrust and me not feeling right and him telling me I was being dramatic and trying to cause arguments, until last night when once again I said to him I know more happened (gut feeling and he's a shit liar) and asked him if he slept with her, he said no and I knew he was lying so I asked him again and finally on the 4 try he admitted it. So after 7 years, a DS, a miscarriage and now I'm 7 weeks pregnant and he finally answers me truthfully.
So now I'm left in a situation where I have no idea what to do, I have no one in RL to talk to about it, he's normally the person I would discuss big things with, what do I do? I can forget the actual cheating but it's the lying all these years that hurts so much, how can I ever trust him to tell me the truth when everything I have found out I have only found out by interrogating him and dragging it out of him, and all the times I have been crying begging him to tell me the truth and he's told me to stop being stupid! I am so hurt, I want to move forward because apart from this we get on really well, he's a good dad etc. Advice? Opinions? My head is reeling, how can I trust him again? He wants to stay together and I have told him he needs to earn my trust and prove himself but how?
Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble, I am shaking as I type and my head is all over the place.

Think he's already done damage that cannot be undone, maybe it's time to dump him. Why be with this man who lies cheats and accuses you of being the dramatic one

I don't think it's possible to forget the cheating - you didn't forgot it when you didn't know the full story so I doubt you'll forget it now. It's a part of your history with him, it's between you.

What do you do now? Well, he's blown your remaining trust away. I think you take time out to decide what you want. What that looks like is up to you since the ball is now in your court. Living with a liar is horribly destabilising for your mental health IME.

Get angry, the time for being confused and in the dark is over.

Well, if after 7 years of you not trusting him and interrogating him I think you know the answer. You didn't trust him to begin with

Sorry, is there any evidence/suspicion he's done this since the incident 7 years ago?

I can see lying to try and avoid pain, I really can.

You have a DS, he's a good dad, you get on really well... would you have had that if he told the truth first off?

Possibly Relate?

Sorry if it messes with your head a bit, but you, have, of course, considered that over 7 years you never let it lie
I had to literally drag every last thing he admitted out of him

Cue years of mistrust and me not feeling right

until last night when once again I said to him I know more happened (gut feeling and he's a shit liar) and asked him if he slept with her, he said no and I knew he was lying so I asked him again and finally on the 4 try he admitted it and that he might have given up hoping to convince you of the truth and said yes to make you stop?

(Because if you knew he was lying last night why did you go on for 7 years, have DS etc.)

That's the thing though before he cheated I did trust him, I thought he was perfect. He knows he's been a coward and wants to work on our relationship and so do I, I just don't know if it's possible to regain trust.

What one more chap said. Hugs x

Ps the way you're feeling is totally, totally understandable and I'm in no way excusing his behaviours. You're very vulnerable right now and hormonal - he will have to work 10 times harder. I'd tell him that.

Seven years of mistrust, denial and lies and yet you're still willing to 'move forward'. If you'd known the truth Day 1 I think you'd have rationalised it the way you did when you thought it was groping and kissing. What you probably should do is ask him to step out for a while, think about his actions, and allow yourself the luxury of experiencing what life is like when you're not living with someone you don't trust. What he should do is be shifting heaven and earth to apologise for spending 7 years trying to convince you that you're stupid and unreasonable.

What you'll end up doing, I suspect, is nothing at all. I don't know if you think you don't deserve better? The 'good Dad' tag is fine as far as it goes and you're pregnant and therefore feeling vulnerable. But I worry that this is yet another compromise that's going to hurt for a long, long time. Sorry.

There's no doubt that he did it and I know the whole me interrogating him thing makes me sound mental, I have considered relate but we are absolutely skint so for now that's not an option. I don't think he has done anything in the meantime and you're right that we wouldn't have DS if he had told me but I in no way think he was lying to protect me.

Sorry, pet then CES is probably right.

But why, oh why did you stay with him for a further 6 years.

If XW had know about an affair - or suspected it - I would have been away very promptly, willy nilly.

It's not mental. I think that's unfair comment above. When you know someone isn't being straight it plays on your mind and you can't let it drop. Mistrust kills relationships. Fact. Some of us would have treated it as a cue to get out of the relationship much earlier. Of course, if you go the route of insisting on knowing, you have to be prepared to not like the answer when you get it. Also, you have to have a plan of action for if you find out the worst. You seem not to have that part of the jigsaw

We all think they are perfect and have them on a pedestal - until they cheat, then they're not so shiny and nice. Only you know what you are prepared to accept, forgive and move on from - nobody can tell you what to do in this situation. I'm amazed you were still banging on about it years later - if it was seven years ago and you don't honestly think he's cheated since then personally I'd be more inclined to stay together and try and forget about it, you were only with him a year and I assume no children, it's all very different now, if you really love him and want to be with him, you will. You will probably never trust him again and certainly he's well off the pedestal now.

So sorry you are going through this OP, I know, from bitter experience, how horrid this is. It'll feel like he's had another affair, but one that he'll try and tell you to 'get over' as it happened years ago