how can i find closure with my sister

[lifestory]

(apologies for such a long question)
before she died, (40 years ago)my mother made me promise to " look after my (adult) sisters, as I was the "strong one"i kept my promise, but a sister just two years younger, was, for decades a manic depressive, yet despite having my own family/business/ marriage difficulties of my own I always looked after this sister, financially and emotionally. she ruined every celebration either before/during or after by crying and we all sat round her trying to "help/support" her. her husband was also a manic depressive, always threatening suicide. eventually they split up, and she found a new boyfriend. this man didn't want her son around,(17 yrs) and drove him away, to live with me.no request he just turned up. he was also a maniac depressive.in his suicidal state cried that all his life my sister had told him I was the black sheep,(sister went to grammar school, I ended up in an approved school) and a disgusting parent and so on. the bottom line is, that my daughter said unless I wrote to her and told her I didn't want to see her anymore, for the stress she had caused for decades, she would ring her and tell her all about her husbands girlfriends etc,I was afraid that she would, and my sister could be totally destroyed by the information. so I wrote the letter,
the bottom line is that 15 years have passed, and time is running out for us all, and I want to make amends. I asked if I could see her a few years ago, when she was very ill, but she simply said "it's not the right time".what/how, if possible can I resolve this sad issue.

You are not responsible for your sister's happiness.

You can attempt to establish a relationships with but she has to want it too, for it to work.

You could maybe write to her and continue to send her your best wishes to show her that you still care about her.

I thought about writing to her, it's about finding the right words.my niece, other sisters daughter wants us all to go to her new house for dinner, but her mother told her that us two "can't be in the same room", hence why I am thinking about writing to her.so neither of us have been invited

I thought about writing to her, it's about finding the right words.my niece, other sisters daughter wants us all to go to her new house for dinner, but her mother told her that us two "can't be in the same room", hence why I am thinking about writing to her.so neither of us have been invited

I would write to her. Baby steps...

The you could maybe meet her in a public place, go out for a meal or something. Establish a new relationship in the same as you would with someone you don't know very well.

If I have read right, you have been no contact with this sister for 15 years and now you want to be in touch again. Why do you want to be in touch again?

Time is running out and you want to make ammends is a nobel idea. But from what you wrote , your sister used to mop the floor with you as standard operating procedure. Why do you think it would be different now?

Keep trying if you feel you must, but be aware that things may not have changed for her at all and you will be hurt all over again. And of course, if she does not want to, you will not be able to "make" her...and that in itself may be a point of power or control that she may not be willing to give up.

Sorry if I sound unsympathetic. I know this kind of (dysfunctional) family dynamic is very hard, but I think you did right in creating the boundary for your dd (as well as yourself). I am presently NC with sister, too...or rather she is no contact with me 'cause everything has to be her idea and on her terms .

I do have a hope for you though, and hope I am wrong, and hope you can reconnect with a kind compassionate honest response from her. Please keep posting.

yes, it's true,i was the brunt of her manic episodes, and true, why would it be different now? that's a good question.also why contact now, well one sister is dying, this sister is seriously ill.she always was "hoity toity" and looked down on me, until I became a successful business woman, but she still thought she was "better than me".i have broad shoulders and just want to see if she is kinder and more caring now. I don't know if is is better to leave it, but with a thought that I can keep my promise to my mother.

My DDad got back in touch with his DM after more than 10 years NC, prompted by a family emergency. He hoped she would be different, that time and age would have mellowed her and he would finally get the kind of loving relationship he had always hoped for with her.

Let me assure you, people almost never change. My Grandmother hadn't and was just as poisonous as before. My DDad is now NC again after dealing with her for nearly 20 years and we have had to fight his guilt every step of the way to remove her from our lives.

If your sister had changed, she would have contacted you, even if it was just to apologise with no expectations of a relationship. Your DD saw the reality of the relationship, as I did with my DDad. Don't allow a promise to ruin your life. If your mum was a good mum, she would understand that you cannot allow such a negative person to influence your life and the happiness of your own family.

Best of luck. Stay Strong.

lifestory you attended to the promise you made to your mother. You did the best you could. You felt the need to draw a line under it and rightly so. At this point , if I may observe, in continuing to feel guilt you are letting someone control you from beyond the grave. Are you done with grieving for the loss of your mom? Perhaps a couple of sessions with a grief counsellor would help...also with the pending loss of your sister.

Is the hoity toity sister the one you broke contact with (how many sisters do you have)? Are you in contact with other sisters?

The sister that said you two could not be in the same room may have alot to answer for in continuing a family myth about you being the black sheep. This is just so awful for you to be so blatantly excluded especially when a niece expressed a desire to invite you. Imho, she has not grown, or evolved past it emotionally. And that may be because things get hardwired in youth and it takes a real epithany coupled with willingness and courage to change for the engrained dynamic to change.

thank you all for so many helpful replies, it helps to stand outside of the situation. well, my estranged sister has reinvented herself, she is now 65, as a sweet nothing would melt in her mouth lady.the sister who said, neither of us should be invited, is the younger one(58) who I believed I was close with, I became her guardian when she was an orphan at 13.so I asked myself, am I trying to mend bridges for myself (releasing me from the guilt) or my sister.my mother was killed many years ago, and the estranged sister was totally her favourite, so I guess she suffered with the loss. but maybe a short note, simply asking her if she would like to talk may be the first steps. but yes, underneath she is probably the same as she always was. it's just that I am a permanent reminder of the misery of the past for her.i am 67 now, and find life quite difficult, just wanting some peace.

So you are saying your daughter blackmailed you into writing a letter to your sister, ending your relationship with her? Against your will? How is your relationship with your daughter?

Presumably the nephew who you took in is now 32, are you in touch with him?

Are you in touch with your 58 year old sister? Is she in touch with your other sister?

yes, bullied is probably the word in hindsight. daughter(43) doesn't speak to any family members now, is so paranoid about the world. obviously my nephew took his mothers "side" and haven't heard from him since that fateful letter. i speak almost daily to sister (58) ,she knows the dreadful things estranged sister did in the past, too numerous to mention here though,(even blocking my guardianship application for younger sister years ago. just don't know if it's even worth trying to build fences.it helps me so much reading different opinions on this situation, i'm sure I will reach a decision soon, to write or not to write, that could be the question

I think that your promise to your mother is heavy on your mind and because of that yes, maybe keep trying to rebuild contact with her in a low-key way.

Your daughter blackmailing you into that letter - its a very very iffy thing to do. It could have been, frankly, unpleasantness or it could have been desperation with the situation with a very troubled nephew in the house. It is unfortunate that it has had such difficult consequences so very far into the future.

So, maybe unlike others, I would recommend gently keeping trying with her unless it becomes absolutely clear that you can't get anywhere. But also to keep in mind that it will take two to heal this situation and she may carry on choosing to have nothing to do with you. If that happens, you have tried and you have carried out your mother's wishes. You cannot answer for your sister; the other half of a mended relationship will have to come from her.

Just a note; you're obviously close to your other sister and it may be a temptatoin to lean or rely on her to help here. She can probably help a bit if she wants to but the basic communicatoin has to be between you and your NC sister and it would be a mistake to rely on your contact-sister more than mildy - she's in the middle and basically, actually, its not really her responsibility.

I hope you can find healing.