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Original poster

In-law frustrations

24 replies

StuckBetween · 26/11/2013 15:19

Namechanged for this.

Moved across the country to closer to DH's family a couple of months ago and to provide a better quality of life for our DS. Now we're struggling to manage our relationship with my in-laws, MIL in particular. She likes to control things and struggles to see that people could have a different point of view e.g. we've had "discussions" about wall tiles when she doesn't like what we pick (WTF?).

We went away this weekend, and they let themselves into the house to paint without asking. We got back and DH phoned them and said thank you very much but next time could you just let us know. They got really upset, we apologised (twice) for any hurt that we had caused unintentionally. And now they (well mainly MIL) are properly angry and everything is being thrown at us. We're ungrateful, we never make an effort to see them, we never do anything for them... Poor DH is stuck in the middle and feeling really guilty. We haven't actually done anything wrong.

They're normally quite reasonable but this seems to have gone a bit mental. We try and see them as often as we can but we both work (in their family business!), we have our DS to look after, we have a house to run etc. And we need our own space.

Neither of us know what to do. I don't know what to do, I just hope we didn't make a mistake by moving.

OP posts:
Meerka · 26/11/2013 15:35

Im afraid that it sounds like you did make a mistake in moving.

It is not ok to let yourself into someone else's house and repaint it without asking. Not at all. You have no need to apologise and I'm sorry but you should not have.

From what you say their response to you objecting is by now going on a major guilt trip. This has the earmarks of a quite unpleasnt situation shaping up becuase people with a good sense of independence and privacy would have apologised to you for being so invasive, not started to guilt trip you. That's manipulative and trying to control you, when they have been behaving outrageously.

You need to be drawing very firm boundaries here or the future will become very difficult. Most of all you and your husband need to be singing from the same sheet here. You need to talk to him and make sure you are backing each other up and communicating with each other when they contact you.

I personally think that most of all you need to sit down with them and ask what they expect of you, and explain what you expect of them. And, depending on how they reply, ask for hte keys back. It really was a bad invasion of your privacy and you need a guarentee they won't do it again.

From what you say I'm afraid they wont take it well and it may end up with some bad feeling. But the alternative to marking out your boundaries is that they will invade and control your life. Its not a pretty picture.

CailinDana · 26/11/2013 15:39

Do not have any children until you live at least 100 miles away!

EldritchCleavage · 26/11/2013 15:41

Everything Meerka said. With Christmas bells on.

Original poster
StuckBetween · 26/11/2013 15:53

Thank you. When they've gone so nuts about, you start questioning it.I needed a reality check. Meerka, your post is exactly what we needed.

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Original poster
StuckBetween · 26/11/2013 15:57

We actually do have the keys back. They gave them back to us as part of their strop. I think she was hoping we'd be narked by it but I'm pleased!

OP posts:
EldritchCleavage · 26/11/2013 16:07

Are you re-painting in your preferred colours? I would have to, just to make a point!

Original poster
StuckBetween · 26/11/2013 16:10

Unfortunately as they picked the ceiling, we would only have ever picked white anyway. So we can't repaint it.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/11/2013 16:16

What Meerka wrote in its entirety.

I would repaint the walls back to the colour you want them; its your house.

MIL has more likely than not always been controlling and wanting her own way all the time. She's got even more power now that you;ve moved closer.

Distance both emotional and physical is the only way forward now or the rest of your lives could possibly be where you are locked in a power and control struggle with them all the time.

Think ultimately that both of you will have to leave their employment. Why are you still working for them, time to cut the strings that bind you all together. They have all the power here; there's a massive power and control balance in their favour currently. Things must change.

Your current situation is not healthy and perhaps on some level you actually felt obligated into moving closer to them.

Sod feeling guilty as well, do you think they feel guilt or remorse?. No not a bit of it. They certainly have not felt any guilt nor have really taken any responsibility for their actions. They have almost certainly not apologised either.

You are both not lambs to the slaughter, stop giving them so much power and have proper and firm boundaries re them as of now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/11/2013 16:19

Why can't it be repainted?.

You see a constant reminder of their "handiwork" every time you happen to glance at the ceiling.

I would move again and start looking for alternative employment. My guess too is that they are dire employers as well to work for.

Original poster
StuckBetween · 26/11/2013 17:02

They painted it white, which was the colour we'd have chosen.

Actually to be fair, they've been good employers. Given us the flexibility we need. But then we know our place there and we don't challenge anything.

OP posts:
EldritchCleavage · 26/11/2013 17:08

Hmn. Could at least one of you leave the family business and go independent? You're very tied to them if both of you are working with them.

Anyway, at least this incident has been a wake up call. You know what you're dealing with and can try to get some boundaries in place now.

Change the locks, be independent, be very firm about what arrangements you do and don't want.

Walkacrossthesand · 26/11/2013 18:10

Leaving aside their angry reaction to being (gently) reprimanded, is it possible they thought they were helping you by painting the ceiling while you were away - in the colour you wanted - have there been conversations about the decorating, and how it needed doing but you were struggling to find the time... I know they should have asked, and apologised when they realised they'd overstepped the mark, but maybe they genuinely thought they were helping..,

Original poster
StuckBetween · 26/11/2013 19:20

Walkacross, you are right. There have been those kinds of conversations about the decorating, and they definitely do think they were helping.

And that is why we apologised for any hurt caused because we knew that. We really want to move past this now and they seem to just want to make things worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckBetween · 28/11/2013 22:47

They've barely spoken to us all week. Just sniped at us when we tried to make contact. DH is round there now to try to sort things out.

Hoping he's ok. I couldn't go with him because of DS upstairs asleep.

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Original poster
StuckBetween · 29/11/2013 17:41

Still struggling to make any real headway with them. They're really hurt and definitely are a long way off putting this behind them. Hoping it's early days...

OP posts:
AngelaDaviesHair · 02/12/2013 15:45

They did overstep the mark, so don't try to hard to placate them. It will look as though you accept you are in the wrong.

CaroBeaner · 02/12/2013 15:49

I would collapse in gratitude if someone did my decorating as a surprise.

AnandaTimeIn · 02/12/2013 16:11

But that's not really the point though is it, Caro.

This is all to do with control.

OP, I feel for you. And I agree that at least one of you needs to get an independent job.

ohfourfoxache · 02/12/2013 16:15

In fairness Caro, I don't think that's really the reason for OP's post - yes it may be a nice gesture, but on a background of MIL arguing with OP and her DH about what tiles they should have in their own house this is utterly unacceptable.

Have you thought about changing the locks, just to be on the safe side? Or can you be sure that they have given you the only copies they have? Can they get a copy from anyone else?

Original poster
StuckBetween · 02/12/2013 20:53

It all got too much in the end. We went round and apologised a lot and things are better again. They've agreed not to do anything without asking, which is headway but it has been so hard to get to that place, it's been no cause for celebration.

I do feel worried about the next time we need to say no to something. Trying not to think about it at the mo.

I do take your point about our jobs. We've had no probs at the mo on that front but that doesn't mean we won't. We'll see how things go...

Thanks guys, advice has been much appreciated!

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Original poster
StuckBetween · 02/12/2013 20:58

I'm pretty sure they didn't get any keys cut. I guess we'll find out soon enough if they do. I'm going to hide the spare keys in a 'safe place' so I'm not tempted to give them back.

OP posts:
Meerka · 02/12/2013 21:01

glad its improved for now, hope that there isnt a next time![

CaroBeaner · 02/12/2013 21:02

It does sound very hard.

Good that they agreed not to do anything without asking.

I do understand that it is about boundaries, and why they mean so much to us.

"Good fences make good neighbours" (Robert Frost) - even more so metaphorically than in the field.

Original poster
StuckBetween · 02/12/2013 21:37

Meerka - we can only hope!

Caro - good quote, that's got to be our aim!

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