How did you tell children you were splitting?

[PPaka]

Ds is 6
He doesn't see dh much during the week and he works away a lot
So I don't think he would really miss him physically
So if we says we were living apart, Ie daddy's getting a new house, we could make that a bit more positive
But if I actually say that mummy doesn't love daddy any more, so she doesn't want to live with him, he will be upset

What I would like to say is " your father has lied and cheated for the last 5 years and mummy hates him"

I wish I'd done this years ago

You tell them the facts pertinent to them and say it's a 'grown-up' decision you've both taken. Don't bring 'doesn't love any more' into it because that creates an insecurity that need not exist Obviously the grisly stuff you keep to yourself.

I have no idea where to start
He'll either say 'cool, can I watch spongebob?'
Or have a million questions

I'd like to do it myself
But I guess H will want to do it together
He'll make it worse

Well done PPaka

Your ds doesn't need to know the details, he just needs to know how it will affect him. So say something along the lines of 'mummy & daddy have been talking & we have agreed we would both be happier if we lived in different houses'. Make it seem like a joint decision that you have both come to as then there is nobody in the wrong.

Then talk to him about how his life will change, tell him he will have 2 bedrooms & 2 front doors & how exciting it is to have 2 houses. Tell him you love him as much as ever & that he will still see daddy, it will just be at a different house & that's all. Tell him that he is important & he can talk to you if he wants. Ask him if he has any questions about it when you have finished talking. Give him extra cuddles.

Tell him that Father Christmas knows he will have 2 houses & he will put different presents in each one for him.

Ok. Thank you
I feel like I can do this
But I'm really worried about dh
I could do it and pretend to be jolly etc
But I think dh will have a bloody sad face on
I have to get it through to him that it's about ds and not him

Ok. Thank you
I feel like I can do this
But I'm really worried about dh
I could do it and pretend to be jolly etc
But I think dh will have a bloody sad face on
I have to get it through to him that it's about ds and not him

My xh has been doing the sad face pretty consistently since we split in sept but I am being relentlessly serene and children have been absolutely fine since we split. Just one hairy moment when the big two slept over with him and he told them he was frightened of me and worried I would stop him seeing them which obviously made them quite disturbed (and is absolute bollocks and one reason why we split - him being frightened of me). On the whole had been amicable and children fine despite his sad faces.

Meant to say nothing you can do to stop the sad face. It is better to do it together inspite of sad face I think.

my advice would be do it together. say, as others have said, only what's relevant to them. that you both still love him that he can speak to his dad whenever he likes. I had a treat planned for later in day. so spongebob ready to watch prob a good idea.

I had a book too mum and dad glue which was very good. be ready to answer a lot of questions and ideally u and dh be consistent in responses.

its horrible. but you I felt better once I could stop living the false happy family that had been played for 10 weeks.
good luck

Mine was horrendous - my decision, followed by DH speaking to DCs behind my back accusing me of all kinds of stuff, aided and abetted by my mother treating me as if I was a leper or 6 years old, in turn

I think my XH called my bluff because he decided I should tell the DC I was thinking about moving out but when I did just that he was furious. I think he was escalating things to try and make me back down not really understanding he had pushed me back to the wall and I was desperate.
I called them all into the kitchen and explained that because I was very unhappy I was going to move to a small house 400 yards away where they could come and stay whenever they wanted (all young adults). They said it was a relief to hear as the impending split had been awful with rows and shouting (by XH) and I was miserable trying to get him to treat me civilly.
I don't think he actually wanted me to leave or to end our marriage but he kept escalating with a double or quits approach and every time he drove me further away until he pretty much forced me out.
It was all horrible and being out was instantly better except I missed the DC awfully and the house!

I think dh needs to get used to this idea a bit more, just had huge row about this.
Admittedly, I've been thinking about it for longer

But he's just thinking about himself not how to make it better for ds

Offred- relentlessly serene, will have to remember that, i can do that!
Will look out for that book, thanks minime
Babymummy, that's what I'm worried about, him filling ds's head with all sorts of crap, sorry your mum was no help
Hopefully mine will be very supportive
KA-glad you're out of there, sounds like it worked out ok

If you soon to be ex is reasonable and can behave well in front of the children (and you should remind him that this is in their best interest) then I think you should do it together.

The most important thing for children is to know that 1) it's not their fault and 2) that you will still love them and care for them.

The one thing they will want to know straight away is how it will affect them so have a plan in place before you tell them.

It is paramount that no matter what the circumstances of the break up, there is no evident rancour between the two parents when you tell the children.

My ex and I took DD away for the weekend and told her on the first evening of our 'holiday'. We spent the rest of the weekend doing family things together to reassure her that we were still a 'family' and that we still love her and that there was no 'bad feeling'. There was of course bad feeling - we just did the best we could to make it a lovely weekend for her. It has served her well and we are very amicably divorced and have a great relationship.

Do it together - and agree what you're going to say. As pp have said, none of the grisly stuff, emphasise the positive. Try to think of any questions there might be (there may well be none, but will come later) and have responses ready too.

Ppaka My DCs were older teenagers at the time and saw what a complete wanker XH was being.

Now nearly 4 years later he refuses to communicate with me in any form.

We are talking to the dd's (10 and 6) this weekend.

Going to be honest without gory stuff and ensure they know they are loved to the nth degree and that most stuff will remain the same.

DH wants me and the dd's involved in buying them a house too, so going to try and "sell" them on that idea.

No idea how they are going to react but very nervous.

Good luck
X