Telling children about grandparents health?

[Weegiemum]

My lovely Stepmum (as I am NC with my mother, she's been my "real" mum for years) has breast cancer.

She's had radical mastectomy and lymph nodes removed and yesterday was told she has to have 6 cycles of chemo followed by radiotherapy.

We have always been pretty up-front with our children (who are 13, 11 and 10 on Thursday!) about health stuff. My dh is a GP, so health-illness type talk in our house is pretty normal.

The children know their Gran hasn't been well, dd1 (13) asked so knows it's cancer.

My dad has asked us not to tell the children. I feel like I'm lying to them by not telling. It's possibly influenced by the fact that when I was 16, both my grandfathers died within 3 months of bowel and stomach cancer, and I only found out after they were dead. I want my children to know the truth.

So ... do we tell or not? I'm the parent, and I (and dh) think they should know. Grandparents say otherwise. I'm not sure what to do?

Would it be possible to have a conversation with your Dad and ask him what he would like you to tell the DC, as they are obviously going to notice that she is unwell?

Maybe you could then discuss giving them an edited version with your DF, whilst actually being more open in truth, as you would be normally. Your children are old enough to understand that they must respect their GP's sensitivity, and behave accordingly.

FWIW I think you and your DH are absolutely right.

Sorry you're dealing with this.

They're your children and you know them best. If you're the type of family that talks about illness and they already know that Gran is unwell I think it's only fair to keep them in the loop. Not the grisly details perhaps but enough to know that it is quite serious and she's going to need extra TLC. Your Dad probably doesn't want to worry the children - that's fair enough - and maybe he doesn't want any awkward questions? Like you, at about the same age, I only found out how ill a relative was after they died and I remember feeling very hurt.

I suppose the question is who is your husband trying to protect? I would suspect himself. He already has to bear bad tidings in his ordinary job. Also I'd say that as it's your relative, it's your call. When my father was dying of cancer I told my child - then 10 - by drip feed. 'Your grandfather is very poorly.' 'The doctors aren't going to be able to make him better.' On visits she could see that her grandfather was thinner and weaker, and that there were medicines around. Also there was conversation about hospital visits and treatments.

I don't think I said at that point, 'He's dying'. Though I would have responded to direct questions. Near the very end my daughter overheard a conversation between me and my husband. I think, in retrospect that I would/could have said this to her once it became clear that he was going downhill fast. Obviously older children might have more questions. I think it is important to be honest with children, as they are more likely to trust you and talk to you. And also to deal better with it when other important people - friends, relatives etc - who will die in their turn.

Sorry to hear your news, I think your children are old enough to understand what's going on, you don't need to go into every tiny detail but IME children cope better when they know the truth, they are going to realise grandma is ill and I think them knowing the truth will help them, try to answer their questions, which may or may not arise, some children just need to know the basics and they're happy, play it by ear. Sending you my best wishes x

@FrauMoose... the DH agrees with the OP and wants to talk to the children. It's the grandfather that doesn't want them to know.

I would ask your dad why? But yes I would tell dc whats happening. Someone else can't make that decision for you, or they would at least have to have a very good reason why it should be kept secret.

I should add that I was extremely angry when I was not told that my grandmother - my only grandparent - was dying of leukaemia. I overhead my mother and father talking about this, and said that I would like to visit her in hospital. I was told I could not go, as then she might think the end was near. (It was.) The next time I saw her she was in her coffin. Actually I didn't even see her then, as my mother had told the undertakers to keep it shut.

We are all pretty clued up at talking to our children about sex. Why can't we handle death? It happens. The main thing is for it to be as 'good' a death as the people around the dying person can make it.

Oh sorry, yes it's your father not your husband - which did seem a bit odd. Tricky, but I would want to try and talk to your father about it.

I am wondering why their grandfather has taken such a stance. With your children it is not his decision to make.

They are your children and should be given age appropriate information on their nan's condition. We've had to do this myself recently with regards to his great grandmother.

If you do not tell them anything they will be left wondering why the adults around them look sad and or preoccupied.

At their ages I think it's entirely appropriate to tell them and entirely inappropriate to keep it from them.

I've never kept death from my children, it's a part of life and nothing to be scared of.

I agree that it's not your dad's decision to make.

I'm afraid I'm going to be a bit emotional here, this is a very sore subject.

I wasnt told about the cancer that killed the woman who brought me up, I was 10. Or to be exact, I was told she wasnt going to get better 2 days before she died. Her death was devastating. I loved her dearly and still wonder why it was handled with such secrecy. It was at best misguided. The sheer shock of her never coming home from hospital made it all worse.

It is a hard thing to go against your father's wishes but for the sake of your children, please prepare them. Let them at least have the chance to say goodbye. Preparation, knowing something is coming, gives people the chance to take it in and to be aware that it'll be happening and that makes a world of difference in handling it longterm. Its the same with any death; everyone says that it's worse when it happens without warning.

My youngest twins were 8 when I got breast cancer. I had radiotherapy throughout the summer hols. And they came with me each day so it was all very ordinary. Was just so low key about it they werent troubled at all it doesnt have to be a big song and dance. On the other hand was told about my mothers death from same thing when I was 10 with no lead up at all and off to school next day as usual - that was just how my father was!

My dad is doing this because he is the one that's scared.

Understandable, really, but we've never kept bad news from our dc - they visited my gran in the nursing home the day before she died, just this past weekend we went to visit my fil's DP who is dying of a heart condition, and dd1 sat and talked to her for a bit.

We try to be upfront with the dc about any health (or other) stuff - 2 years ago now I was diagnosed with a nasty neurological condition and we kept the dc up to speed with that we knew (not what was suspected as it was scarily possible I had ovarian cancer - but I don't). But we know Gran has breast cancer and this is the treatment, so they should know.

Tell them. The chemo will make her very poorly for a while and she will seem to be getting much much worse. After her final chemo she will slowly recover. I am not saying the cancer will never come back but she has a good chance following treatment. Breast cancer is not always a death sentence these days, over 80% of women will still be alive 10 years post dx. The children need to be prepared for the effects of chemo butto know it will get better.
I had bc 7 years ago and thought I was dying during chemo. I wasn't. You might like to look at the Tamoxifen thread on General Health on this site. Lots of love and good wishes to all of you.

I think you know you have to tell your children age appropriate truths. Lying will have them harbouring fears abt what's actually wrong with their gm when they see her poorly from chemo and sore from surgery etc. Just explain to your Dad why you can't request his wishes on this occasion and dh and yourself decide how best to address it.

Someone up thread mentioned death is part of life and they are right. I was shielded from it as a child and I lost my precious mum 6 months ago to cancer. To say I didn't see the emotional train coming which has floored me is an understatement. I wish they had protected me a little less as a child's I I really do think your doing the right thing by telling them.

Good luck and I wish you step mum all the best and hope she recovers.

Thank you everyone.

We have decided that dh is 'on call' tonight, but tomorrow night we will sit them down and tell them.

I have to phone my Dad to tell them they know as we're seeing them on Saturday.

I know he won't like it but our dc aren't stupid, they've already figured out things aren't right.

Good for you OP!

It's always better to prepare children so they can process it in as long as possible. They are also very good at taking off the sting: a friend's grandson asked him to look after his (GC's) goldfish when he got to Heaven.

Just to add, that from the strength of your Dad's reaction, I'd read the post as if the prognosis for your stepmum was very poor. It may be that the treatments now available will mean that your stepmother's chances are better than he thinks. I hope that is the case. But I think children want to know when a relative is having medical treatment for a serious illness.

Good luck with it all...

Thanks everyone.

My DSM has a reasonable chance, but as her cancer isn't hormone receptor positive (won't be controlled by tamoxifen etc) it's harder to treat. Clearly we're not telling the dc the prognosis right now, just that Gran is unwell with breast cancer.

I really appreciate your input, I was basing it on my own worries but you've helped me see it's bigger than that.

I would play it down with your DF - say that you've explained that DGM is having treatment, and that she won't be herself for a while.

Then tell the DC as much as you feel is right, but explain that their DGP are feeling very sensitive, and would rather not talk about it, but they can come to you with any questions.

And amongst all of this, I hope your DSM responds well to treatment.

Weegie mine was also triple negative-not hormone or herceptin positive.It is usually treated by pretty powerful chemo which research has shown is particularly effective in older women.

I imagine that this is, in part, a generational thing. I think we are much more open about illness these days, whereas previous generations tended to bottle things up a bit more. Aside from that I'm sure that your dad is very scared too.

Personally I would hate to have to lie to my children and let's face it children aren't stupid. They know full well when something's up and I imagine they will deal much better with it if they are aware of what's going on.

My husband has had cancer for over 5 years now and, although our children were a bit older than yours, we had no hesitation in informing them every step of the way. Each of them dealt with it in different ways, but I know it was the right thing to do.