How to recover from my wifes internet affair

[Objectiveman]

I just found out my wife of 28 years has had an "Internet" affair.
It started as facebook with a person they knew from years ago and then proceeded to phone Txt messages. They never met but there was intense traffic between them.
I confronted her - and it all unfolded.
She has severed all links - I trust her that that is true.
She is a very honest person - and I know this was not her normal profile.
She was lead on by the other party - but she " went with the flow" against any better judgement.
I tortured by betrayal.
I feel my life has collapsed.
I'm racked with guilt, - because I know it's my emotional detachment that made this liasion attractive - it satisfied an happy feeling I was probably not providing.
The crash - also opened long locked emotional closets with me - and I an no longer in control of my emotions - they see-saw from one extreme to the other.
Our relationship over the years has been generally good - except I do not engage well in emotional discussions. Now the floodgates are open - I've told her secrets about my childhood _ I had locked away in an emotional bottle. Now the bottles broken.
Despair, betrayal, fear, loneliness,revenge, anger, suspicion, posessivenes, jealosy.
I'm seeking help/therapy.
She is my heart. I cannot live without her.
She is somewhat detached from me now. ( loves me - but in a different place - wants me as part of her life - but I want to be IN her life.
I think she is also in shock - stressed, exhausted by the whole experience.
How do we survive this ?
Have other rebuild their bridges ?
I'm reading everything I can - searching everywhere for solutions that may help me.

Don't really have experience with that kind of situation but
proper conversation perhaps would help

Me personally I've got very controversial opinion
about any sort of affair but

Ask yourself at first
do you love her
does she love you
did you treat her right

And if your answer is yes
you could work it out

I'm sorry this has happened to you but I don't think your marriage is going to survive if you say your DW only wants you as part of her life rather than in it. Does that mean she's suggesting some kind of semi-detached solution? Living together as friends type thing?

Objective it's the old cliche 'if you love someone let them go...'. Does she want to stay married to you? If she does, then yes, you can recover from this. If she doesn't, then why would you want her to stay? There is nothing more soul destroying than being with someone you know doesn't want you. You'd spend the rest of your days being repeatedly kicked in the heart with your self esteem on the floor, and she would feel trapped and probably a little contemptuous of you.

However, whatever path you chose do NOT feel guilty about this. Whatever you did or didn't do in your relationship you didn't make her have an affair. She did that all by herself. Problems in a marriage are not an excuse for cheating on a partner.

In your shoes I'd sit down and have a very full and frank discussion with her about what she wants. If she doesn't know or doesn't want to stay married I would ask for a period of separation to allow me space to clear my head. It'll crystallise everything for both of you. I personally think she'll get a horrible shock when you do this and probably want to reconcile. At the moment she can still live in the fantasy bubble as her day to day life is as it was.

Stand up for yourself, she'll respect you for it. The more broken you act, the less attractive you'll be.

OP perhaps you have 2 separate issues here that are colliding & if both occurred separately you would deal with them better but as they have both come at once its too much for you.

Firstly how was your marriage before? Honestly? If you're in a happy relationship with mutual love & respect & communication you are less likely to look for things elsewhere that you are missing in your marriage. I can't assume your wife's reasons but she seems to have emotionally detached from you somewhat & there would be reasons for that.

Secondly if you haven't dealt with emotional stuff from your past & its resurfacing now, there will be all sorts of emotion & fears coming to the surface that are nothing to do with your wife or her affair but that will distort your thinking.

except I do not engage well in emotional discussions

If you have had years of not engaging with her when she wanted to understand then suddenly wanting to discuss everything with her may well be too much for both of you, I'm glad you are seeking help/therapy, its the right thing for you. But for your wife it may be a case of too little too late.

I'm sorry that this has happened & I'm sorry you feel so distressed. But you need to know what your wife wants now before there can be any talk of rebuilding. Does your wife wish to stay with you? What exactly does she want as it sounds as though you may have different ideas about how to move forwards.

Thanks for all the replies.
WE have generally a good marriage, we talk, we work together with the children, we go out ( not often enough), Flowers and gifts are bought. lots of hugs.
I had a difficult childhood - which makes it difficult to "Open up" in conversations - thats not to say I don't - its just limited. Lots of stuff I've buried from my past.
As IamG.... has suggested there were holes in the marriage because of this.
Recently ( last yr ) our marriage was climbing to a higher and better level, we were much more engaged and the flirty bit was back.
I just can't understand what happened?
Just two days before the confrontation - she came to me in bed before work - kissed me and told me she loved me ??

I'm doing all I can to survive this.
I need a womans perspective on ideas.
I think the current emotional detachment is partly shock that she did this - she does not understand it.
Is there a "top3" things I should be considering.
The betrayal is difficult to swallow.
I'm tortured by "What if"
I really will do anything not to lose her - I realise I must also respect myself in this process.

You tell me - what drives a woman to this

BTW I do most all the cooking, Lots of cleaning, not adverse to ironing and washing. Am I missing something.

What drives anyone to cheat on their partner is as individual as the person themselves. Can be anything from thrill-seeking to selfishness, from looking for affection to malicious intent to hurt. What you must not do is blame yourself. She had choices every step of the way, made bad decisions and you could not have influenced those decisions. Your opinion wasn't sought. The 'what ifs' are going to continue for a long time, especially if she doesn't accept she's done anything wrong.

Sadly, if you start with the idea that you'll do anything not to lose her all you'll gain is her contempt and what's left of your self-respect will evaporate.

Top 3 things

1. Make counselling, full disclosure and immediate cessation of her relationship the base-line requirements for the marriage continuing
2. Get legal advice
3. Have a very sound plan for what happens if she refuses any of the elements of 1.

Objective the only person who knows why she did this is your wife, and you will never get a straight answer from her so it is best not to torture yourself about it. I was in a very similar situation, a difficult marriage with poor communication, which I thought had got better. We were even trying for a family. DH's affair blind sided me. The reality is although I was working hard to improve our marriage he had checked out completely. He went through the motions but his emotions were elsewhere. I suspect something similar was going on in your situation.

She kissed you and told you she loved you - two answers 1. guilt, 2. she probably does.

If you really want to survive this your best bet is to go against all your instincts. Pull away. Ask to separate. Go out without her. Use your free time to go to the gym, socialise, do whatever, just be yourself and be happy. It'll eat her up. At the moment you are the safe fall back guy, and she doesn't have to try because she knows you will always be there. Remove her options.

I was distraught when my DH had an affair. It destroyed me. I couldn't cope. People on here told me to grow a pair and kick him out. I didn't, what I did was talk and talk and mend things, but also leave him, file for divorce and make a new start. We're together now. Make of that what you will.

"Just two days before the confrontation - she came to me in bed before work - kissed me and told me she loved me ??"

It's the relationship equivalent of pretending to the dog that he's going for a walk when he's actually going to the vet to be put down...

None of us know you or your wife but all I can say regarding marriage in crisis is if you have a true commitment to each other you can come out the other side. What comes to mind is;
A) Don't expect things to change quickly or to find sudden answers to everything - if you can talk to each other and not put a timeframe on things improving it can take the pressure off. Take one day at a time.
B) For anyone male or female who is suddenly experiencing extreme emotion regarding memories of the past and also their most important relationship it can be very overwhelming and frightening. Be kind to each other, see a counselor on your own or together. Do things that make you feel safe and comfortable together and that strengthen your bond.
C) if you can make the commitment together to stay together and be there for each other in whatever simple ways you can, then you should feel secure enough to proceed with processing all your emotion and pain.
D) Your marriage cannot stay the same - it will have to change and that is what you both need to be open to - finding a new form that you both feel satisfied with.
E) be kind and forgiving to each other.

Honey everything you say is sound, but a little premature as OPs wife is emotionally detached. I've been there, nothing will change until reality sinks in. It's very hard to recover from infidelity and in my experience (of admittedly just me) time apart is the only way for both parties to really appreciate what they are giving up. Otherwise there is a very real risk that the relationship will just limp on, with nothing changed other than a whole load of extra stress and a loss of trust to deal with.

Well two weeks on from the detection, we are talking at least thats progress.She is willing to talk about the content of their Txts and FB. All the FB stuff I have a copy of and it's flirty but not serious. The txting I have no idea about - but she was very quick to delete their content. She has told me it was more flirty. She says she is sorry - but I know she does not regret what happened( I overheard that to a friend ) I also know she misses it. In the days that followed she was never far from her phones of FB - now I see that less so - I suppose because the contact has been broken. I know it made her feel special - thats why she engaged in it. Her friends have no sympathy for me in all this - as far as they are concerned I deserved it - jeez I don't thing I was that bad. I provided everything except lacked in the close emotional conversational element of the marriage. I also did'nt respond well when exhausted after a days work came home to a barrage of her problems - without a break for me to wind down.
I continue to monitor her phone and web history. I'm trying to rebuild things. I know part of this is my fault as I could never really open up to her with my feelings, though I would listen - often with fustration to her emotional and work issues ( Fustrated because there was nothing I could do ) She knows I am tracking her web activity - we discussed it openly, I felt betrayed and that trust will have to be rebuilt. she DOES NOT see it as being an AFFAIR. AM I WRONG - I can't help but feel it was an affair - she deliberately hid secret txting between her an this other party. 8:00 early morning wake up txts to late evening txts. Am I over analysing it ?
Last night after sex she made the comment - are you trying to get me pregnant !!! WHAT!!! I could not believe it. So today a pack of condoms is on the shopping list ( She has not had a Period in 6 months - Menopausal) ( Of course I had the question - did you do that out of pity for me ) NOW I want to put the FB etc: behind me and concentrate on rebuilding our relationship. She still will not answer the question - Are you prepared to give it 100%. I'm planning out time for us together - I'm spending more time just sitting beside her, being around her. But I can't shake the feeling of an element of detachment from her. I'm off work with stress - so my day is spent cleaning, cooking, gardening, just waiting for her to come home.
Things were great between us before this incident.
She dragged up all the emotional issues from over the years after I found this out - almost as if she is using it as a shield to justify what she done.
She continues to rub those in my face during some conversations. I can do nothing but agree - "Yes thats true - but can you not see I'm trying NOW."
She thinks - I'll keep this up for a short time then revert back to "Norm" - she could not be more wrong. This was a real slap in the face for me - a wake up call.
I'm taking a specialist marriage course ( in secret ) CD's by a famous counsellor, to help me "do the right things"
Would appreeciate your comments on " Was this an Affair"

I did what your wife did (though not on Facebook, which I regard as the invention of the devil). It was way out of character for me too. My then husband would have told anyone - and did - that our marriage was fine up to that point and that I was dredging up excuses by mentioning things in the past. Actually it was rubbish, and the "affair" (technically I suppose you can claim it isn't one if you don't even meet, but the effects are the same) just brought things to a head. I realised, let myself realise at last, that I did not want to be with XH and hadn't for some time. There was kind of a revenge element in there too, as he had consistently accused me of cheating over 23 years and at last he couldn't accuse me unfairly any more as this time it was (sort of) true! Fucked up you say? Tell me about it.

After we split I never did that online smut thing again and wonder these days wtf I was thinking. However it did its job. It got me out of there.

I have no idea whether your situation is anything like ours, but one thing is clearly the same, that you both have very different perceptions of the past and of what's going on now. Couples counselling may help, but only if you are both on the same page and at least nearly equally invested in putting things right.

My husband monitored my periods too. I found it unbearably creepy.

Annie,
Thanks for your honesty.
I think we both agree there are elements of my past that were not good for the marriage.
I am a good father and I think husband too - it's just that I dont get engaged well in emotional type discussions. I suppose thats the part that my wife has found unbearably non-supportive. I have avoided discussing "Real issues"
To be honest it's because I had a difficult childhood ( nightmare ) and my way to deal with it was to bottle those issues up because there was nothing I could do about it. That I suppose I carried on into adulthood and instead of sharing those with my wife I continued to keep shut that emotional door.
We have 28 years history - too much is good in there for me to throw it away ( Statistics say 80% of all divorces end with both parties being unhappy having divorced. )
I'm not monitoring my wifes periods. She told me only recently that she had not had one for 6 months- I went "WHAT" - I was amazed she had not told me previously. I appreciate even with a 6 month break there is still a possibility of an unplanned pregnancy. - But we both consented to the act.
Thanks for you comment that u think it's technically not an affair - I agree the "Effects" are the same non-the-less - probably due to the deliberate secretive hiding of the contact between both parties. - That gives me something to balance out my internal termoil.
Rgds

Objectiveman,
So sorry you're going through this nightmare.

One thing that occurs to me is, given your wife's age, she could well be experiencing mood swings and mid-life crisis. I don't recommend bringing this up as on-one likes to be told "it's your hormones"! However, it may be possible that she will more receptive and willing to work with you at some times than others, so might be worth picking your moments when to engage with her. And it may be that in a few years she will be less volatile.

From what you've said, it sounds like your past behaviour of emotional distance has really hurt her and it could take a very long time of you proving you have changed for her to forgive that. I know I still fume when I think of things my husband did or said 20 years ago - and if I ever bring them up, he has no recollection of them happening at all. If, as you say, you are still experiencing difficulties from things in your own past you can hardly expect her to "move on" from past hurts she feels you have inflicted. If you have spent 28 years not engaging with her, you cannot spend a few days making nice and expect her to accept that you have changed for good. Sadly, it may already be simply too late.

You seem to feel that not emotionally engaging is the only thing you have done wrong. Perhaps you don't realise that for many women, that is the most important thing. I know I can forgive a lot if my man communicates with me and shows he loves and understands me. Without that communication and feeling of being loved and understood, every little irritation becomes magnified and I begin to wonder why on earth I am sticking around. Cleaning and gardening is wonderful, but I married him because I wanted to love him and be loved by him. If I felt unloved and rejected, no amount of chores could compensate.

Just some food for thought, it is not my intention to heap blame upon you, rather to help you see how you got here. I sympathise as I would be devastated if I found my husband had any kind of intimate relationship behind my back. I hope it's not too late for you both and you are able to rebuild a stronger relationship.

Hookedon..
Thanks for those words.
Actually I thank everyone for their comments.
I have no-one close to me to discuss what has happened.
This forum gives me a platform to do so.
Your comment on emotional engagement is valid. For my wife that is important.
You helped by putting some things in perspective - yes it's not a quick fix.
I have to be patient
Your other comment about your husband not remembering is SO TRUE with me.
I cannot believe I was so blind.
I don't think it's too late - we had a short break planned which we have both agreed to extend. I had also booked ( before all this happened ) a surprise Hol early next year - there is no talk that she will not go.
I suppose we are both suspicious of each other at this time - From her - I will revert back to the "Norm" and from me - this could happen again.
Rgds

Objective you sound lovely, prepared to acknowledge you are not perfect, prepared to work on things, and able to forgive. What worries me is you seem to be working against the tide here. Your wife says she is sorry, but shows no regret, and continues to blame you and your short comings for her actions. Can you see how unbalanced the equation is?

Please be careful that you don't end up chugging out your days with someone who isn't engaged, and blames you, whilst you do everything you can to do the right thing, whilst constantly paranoid she will cheat again.

My DH and I have turned things around, but to be fair to my DH he has done everything your wife isn't doing, and if he wasn't I frankly wouldn't be able to live with him. Forgiving is easy, actually moving on and starting again is very very hard. You need to know your partner is 100% engaged to even begin to try it.

Well the tantrum I had about all this is over, but the pain continues.
I see I blew all the FB and TXTing out of proportion - but that was because I did not know the content of it ( The TXTing ) . I do believe now the content was nothing serious. This is after prolonged discussions with my wife who I know in her heart to be an honest person.
However the damage is done. I reacted badly as a jealous husband, determined to to everything I could to stop my wife entering into an affair and to win her back. Unfortunately an irrational mind does not make rational decisions. I contacted the 3rd party with threats ( non-violent).
My wife has stated this has brought out of the closet all those things I did wrong to her over the 28 years of our marriage. WE have talked about this and there is a catalogue of things that upset her ( I of course can't remember most of it ). I hurts me to know I crushed her spirit so much. Yet we have had good times.
She is now reassessing where to go with the marriage - she states she cares for me deeply - but she is at a crossroads in her life.
She cannot make a decision at this time to stay or leave the marriage.
I however, in my dispair, disappeared for a few days with the intent of self harm. However a call back home, changed that and I returned.
Living, at home is a torture, the need to rebuild my marriage is intense, however my wife will not yet commit to as for or against that.
I'm trying to be close - but not too close, touch but not engage in a sexual way, talk but try to keep it relatively light.
I'm so vunerable at this time, the fear of losing her is overwhelming. In a moment of weakness, Last weekend it became too much and after a night out as a 4some, a silly incident occurred, which I thought reflected that she did not care about me and I took an Overdose. ( well I'm still here - so that was another failure :-) ) I'm ashamed and embarrassed about that - especially to my children.
I don't know what to do.
I also know she does not know what to do.
I have counselling arranged - but the waiting list for anything more than an interview is 4-6 weeks. My wife is now also considering counselling.
I considered leaving and renting a flat for a few months to give her time to reflect , review and make a decision. I suggested this and it brought a flood of tears from her.

1. Because it would be so close to christmas and we have 3 kids, 17 to 24, it would have a major impact on them.
2. Because see see's how crushed I am living in limbo - not knowing what the outcome might be.

I don't know what to do, stay and remain tortured every day seeing her. Or Go and concentrate on keeping busy in work and in a new apartment until decisions are made.