I am married to a selfish pig aren't I?

[wheatfree84]

Have 3dc. Last dd only 1 and very clingy. Still breastfeeding andco sleeping etc etc. Only break I really get whilst home is when asleep. I do normally go out once a week for a couple of hours but that is just about it. Rarely get to bed before eleven as dd doesn't settle until than.
Dh works hard and has a long commute. Out 6.30 till 7pm. Once home flops. May make his own tea but leave mess for me to clear up. I am mainly a sahm but run my own business too. Probably working maybe working 20 hours per week at moment. Although this is unusual. Normally less. This includes prep generally done whilst looking after dc.
Dd3 was not planned and dh sometimes makes it clear life was better before she came along. That is huge in itself.
So this evening I went out for 10 minutes to pick dd up from brownies. Dd3 fell over just before so I gave her a cuddle and left. She cried for the whole time I was out. Dh's response was that he never gets a break. This was with me picking dd up and caring for her so she stayed quiet once home Dh spent about 10 minutes doing admin. Ate his tea he cooked and flopped.
I ended up giving dd a final feed at about 10. Dh was in bed but I am sure was still awake. An alarm went off downstairs but he either didn't hear it or chose to ignore it. So after finally feeding dd to sleep I had to go down and sort alarm out. Than had some admin to do. Shortly afterwards dh came down as he clearly wanted sex.
I said I had other stuff to do.
I need to have a chat and basically say that I need to be in the mood for sex and won't be whikst I am being run ragged whilst he does sweet fa.
I just feel my respect for him has good.
Sorry long and ranty and wine fuelled.

Gone not good.

Hope you are now in bed.

That does sound shit. Do you both need to work so hard? Is he ever physically intimate without sex (eg hugs, holding hands) or are you just a walking vagina who provides childcare? Is it possible that one (or both) of you could be depressed just now?

I am sorry you are going through a tough time. It sounds like you both have a lot on your plates. I think you both need to feel supported and loved by each other and you are both too exhausted to see that at the moment. If your youngest is clingy and you aren't getting much sleep or seeing your partner very much then it is going to be extremely tough on you. Can you get any support from elsewhere so that you aren't feeling that everything is his fault?
I know that (with hindsight) I blamed everything on my DH when in reality he was struggling too.
The fact he wants sex is probably a positive thing, it means he still finds you sexy and that he sees you as something more than a mum and nurturer. My DH stopped seeing me as being attractive and anything more than just a mum, it was the death of our relationship.
It sounds like you both need a break … could you find a way to get a little time to yourselves?

Hi wheatfree84, I don't have much wisdom in this situation but didn't want to read and run.

Personally, I think it's so important for you both to keep communications open above all else (even when your respective needs are not being met). At least that way, you can both see the other's perspective, understanding that your perspective is your reality as much as his perspective is his reality IYSWIM.

Suffice it to say, it's a ridiculoulsy difficult time for you with three DC's so young and adjusting...perhaps life would be a bit easier if you BOTH understood, this time will pass...it will get easier. Where will your relationship be when it does pass? I think that's what you have to work together to protect right now with open and frank communications about how you both feel.

Just my humble opinion...all the best

or ditto humblebumble

You are both exhausted, and need a break. You have a huge amount on your plate, and commuting on top of an intensive job is knackering. I didn't appreciate just how tiring my DH's commute is until I tried it for a couple of days. Now I realise what it actually is like, and it's tough.

My only advice would be to look to getting some outside help if you can stretch to it - a cleaner, a babysitter on a Saturday night so that you can go out as a couple, buying some good quality pre-pared food so you and your DH can eat together without having to spend time cooking first.

Also, it would help hugely if you could work towards getting dd to sleep in her cot, and I don't know how you feel about this but weaning her off the breast as well. At 1 she no longer needs bm. That is a personal decision though, but it is worth weighing up against the fact you obviously need a break, and more couple time and reducing bf would provide this.

Hey. You sound like you have alot on your plate. I am sorry your not being supported much by your dp. I think he is insensitive and ininconsiderate at the very least, of course you will not be up for sex, your knackered and he isnt doing much to take some weight off u op.

I appreciate I cant understand what its like to have 3dc, one is enough for me to manage:-) my dp also works v long hours, he leaves the house at 330Am and isnt home until half 5. He is cream puffed all the time however he always spends time helping me, playing/bathin dd. I go out twice a week for the evening to excercise and I feel it helps so much to get some quiet time.

Is there any way your dp can give you a day off? What happens on his days off op? Do you both alternate lie ins/time off etc... I appreciate this may be hard with 3dc. It also may help to try to make changes with feeding/sleeping for yourself and dd.

You must be knackered.

When you say your DD cried the whole time you were out - did try and comfort her?

Did he try and comfort her I meant.

I think so although she came to the door when I arrived home. Only gone 10 minutes. Thank you for replies. We used to alternate lie ins but in recent weeks I seem to be up and on the go as soon as dd wakes. Yet dh tries to lie in a bit. If up he will half heartedly try and get her to come down with him but of course she rarely wants to.