How did you know your marriage was over?

[matana]

Was there one thing that tipped it or was there a creeping awareness? At times I still feel like I love dh and then others, like tonight, it's all I can do to stop myself walking out. It's like I've even stopped caring enough to make it work any more. He's not abusive, he hasn't had an affair, I just spend most of my time contemplating how miserable he is, how pessimistic, how we're totally different. We have a 3 yo ds and it saddens me to think of him growing up without a full time daddy. For his sake I wonder if I should just put up with being unhappy. Then other times I think I'd rather keep dh as a friend at least than risk our relationship deteriorate into hatred. I don't know what to do for the best, it just feels like our 12 year relationship has been a rollercoaster ride and I can't continue with the lows, though the highs have been great.

Might be a silly question matana but have you spoken to him about how you truly feel before anymore resentment sets in?

One question: do you still want to shag him?

I think that if attraction is gone, it's hard to overlook all the trials of a marriage without the lure of huge sexual cohesion.

If you still want to have lovely sex with him, I'd say you still have a strong chance and work on the problems that you can solve.

The one lesson I have learnt in relationships is that you can't make yourself fancy someone. That's why I divorced my very lovely ex-husband who is kind and wonderful but the thought of kissing him made me feel bleugh.

No because I'm trying to work out if it's a bad day or if I really can't be bothered any more. We've been getting on great for months but I know it sounds weird but since the bad weather set in and we've all been cooped up for long periods it's got worse. We always argue more in the winter as he finds it hard with ds, who is very active, in the winter. He drinks too much too which doesn't help. He's not an alcoholic but drinks more when he's unhappy and hides it. We've discussed this lots before. Things improve for a while and then back to square one. He's such a lovely man when he's happy.

Cutitup I'm just so tired all the time so that clouds everything but when I'm not tired then yes I do still want him. Not like I used to, all the time, but yes.

Well, that's a huge positive! I can tell you from experience that being a single mum is not easy. If I still fancied my husband and I thought that I could sort out my relationship problems, I'd stay. I'd focus on the highs and try to make them last longer and then try to live with the lows.

Why do you focus on your DH's lows? Just ignore them and get on with your life. Get on with your highs. They can be contagious, you know. If you're happy following your interests, perhaps you'll not be thinking about your DH's bad times. Be supportive, of course, but have fun and create a richer life for yourself outside of your marriage (sports, crafts, friends....)

I have a new partner and he is great. But he will never replace DDs dad and I genuinely believe that DD has suffered for my decision to leave the marriage. I often think I was selfish to leave the marriage because, although it has made my life better (I'm with the love of my life), it has not been brilliant for DD.

Think carefully and take your time. Above all: communicate.